Day 76 - Solo/Ensemble

So, solo/ensemble...

First, my body decided to wake me up at 5am. Not fun. And I had a painful throat (still do, in fact), which I nursed with water and Ricola cough drops. Then I started to get so nervous that I only ate a tiny amount of Cheerios. It was better after jazz choir sang (we got a 2). I ate the bagel I had gotten from Huxdotter's.

300 calories right there.

Then Steve and I sang and we were fantabulous (we got a 2), and then I felt so much better. Then I sang my solo (at 3:10, extremely late in the day), and I felt so much better after it. Mrs. Snavely hugged me and told me she was proud of me :) And everyone was so supportive and awesome. Spencer was fantastic. I'm so glad I asked him to play for me. He's so cool. I like him a lot, but it's so weird because he's so different than everyone else that sometimes I don't even know how to act around him because I don't know how to react, but he's fantastic. And just... I can't even explain it. I'm really glad he played for me.

And I got a 1-! That's the best score I've ever gotten at solo/ensemble! At first, I was really disappointed that I didn't make state and that I wasn't an alternate, but then I realized that I had sung really well and that I didn't do it for the competition. So I wish I could have been an alternate, but hey, what can ya do? I'm pleased with how I sang.

Except now I feel like I've been run over by a bus. My head and throat are killing me. Stupid sickness. It's because I worked four days last week... which was finals week. Stress is bad.

So...

Bagel - 300 calories
Small bowl of Cheerios - 170
Big bowl of Cheeries - 400
1 mug of blueberry tea - 0
Tons of Ricola/other cough drops - 100

I should probably go eat more to keep my metabolism up.

Just... today was so amazing. I feel really good about how I did. I just feel really good. And I feel like I made a new friend, too, because I'd never spent so much time with Spencer. He's fantastic. I keep saying that, but it's true. He also fascinates me. He's so intensely mature for his age, and I would just love to get to understand him better.

OH! And I have a sort-of-semi crush. He's shy and quiet and sweet :)

Day 74

... yeah, it's been a while. Sorry about that. This last week especially has been stressful. I worked four days when I normally work three, and this week was finals week. Thankfully, I only work tomorrow and then have four days of freedom. Solo/ensemble is this week, and I'm excited.

More food journaling tomorrow. It's late, and I need sleep.

:)

Day 65

1 bagel
1 green tea
2 Grandma's chocolate-chocolate cookies
A serving and a half (maybe) of INSANELY LIGHTLY sauced spaghetti
1 piece of cheesy buttery bread (not entirely sure what it was, but it was delicious)
1 chocolate milk
1 Weight Watchers macaroni and cheese (270 calories, I think)
2 45-calorie pieces of cinnamon + butter toast

Good-ish day.

On the great front, the two local newspapers posted about me and my story (the writing contest). It makes me happy.

I had an okay-ish day. I got a great hug and backrub from Natalie, and it made me feel not-neglected. And I had a good three hours at work, and I got a James McAvoy movie to watch tomorrow (Wanted), and I got Stephen Colbert's audio book. It's gonna be awesome tomorrow because I'll listen to the audio book in the car, watch Wanted once I get home, and then go for a bit for the benefit concert and then come home and... do stuff. And my essay's done because I did it today.

Still not feeling at par, but alright.

Day 64

1 bagel
Almost all of 1 Vanilla steamer
1 chicken burger, no condiments whatsoever
1 chocolate milk
1 serving of macaroni w/ cheese
10 13o-calorie petite brownie bites
1 200-calorie Weight Watchers dinner
1 Diet Coke
1 bag of SmartPop popcorn

... yeah, not a good day. I feel like a fat pig right now. Which just brings the destruction of any self-esteem I had today.

Before I go on that rant, I need to write something down for my essay:

Object: Scarlet Letter
Purpose 1: to be a mark of Hester's shame
Purpose 2: to show how shame can become repentance
Transient nature of things, how the same object can mean two totally different things over time because of changing public sentiment.

Anyway.

Yeah, I feel really gross because most days, I don't know if I lost weight because I haven't been keeping track of calories as much lately, but I know that I gained weight today because of those damn brownie things. And I just feel crappy and obese and disgusting. I need a hug and a really hot guy (preferably James McAvoy) to tell me I'm pretty :(

Day 61

< 2 packets of oatmeal with milk in it
Lots of SmartPop popcorn with some added butter on it, but not much
Three or four of those tiny oranges
1 mug of cinnamon hot chocolate (delish)
1 plain cheeseburger
Lots of fries with some ketchup
1 big scoop of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream on a waffle cone

Overall, I think I did good today. Most of my day was spent on a couch watching Firefly, though, haha. It was fun, though, and I hung out with MacKenzie. She's really nice. Except I may have nearly crashed into other cars because I got distracted. That's bad. And it wasn't any sort of high speed things. It was just that the person in front of me slowed down and I wasn't paying attention, but I didn't have to slam on my brakes, I just had to apply them. So I feel a bit disconcerted. I should pay more attention when I'm driving. It's hard with passengers that aren't Chase, though.

And then there was an accident or something near my house and I slowed down, but I didn't know that this guy with a flare who was directing traffic was telling me to stop; I thought he was gesturing me forward, but whatever. No one got hurt, and I got home. Except I think my parents might be a bit miffed at me because I left at around 9am and didn't get home until 5:30, but I told them I didn't know when I'd be home, and they didn't call me, either. Which is good, though, because my phone wasn't on for a LONG while, lol.

But it was nice to hang out with Curley.

And it's even nicer to have this time in my room under the covers to myself. I'm going shopping tomorrow, btw. I'm excited. I'm picking up The Scarlet Letter and some clothes, except I need to get directions to the nearest Old Navy because I don't know where it is, lol.

Day 60

1 bagel
1 vanilla steamer
2 pieces of battered fish (quite good)
A few pieces of sliced apple
< 1 chocolate milk
Three pieces of bite-sized candy
1 personal pepperoni pizza
The rest of the Diet Coke I started yesterday

I feel like I did pretty good.

Today was another good day. I was learning stuff for work, how to lift things and why it's bad not to make bad sex jokes in the workplace... yeah, nothing I needed to learn, but that took up about half of my shift because the harassment video took FOREVER to load, and even then, I didn't watch all of it because it malfunctioned because the Internet is plotting against me.

... should probably be quiet. I think it can hear me...

I love Jon Stewart's audio version of his book. It makes me happy. I want to check out Stephen Colbert's audio CD version... I should place a hold on it through the library. Speaking of which, I need to turn in all of my stuff tomorrow -- four books and a DVD. Which had James McAvoy in it.

This may seem crude... but given half a chance and no chance of any consequences (pregnancy, STDs, awkwardness, humiliation, debilitating fear/terror), I'd so do him. He is one of the very few honestly sexy men. Not just sex appeal, because he's not as classically or OBVIOUSHOT as some men out there, but it's everything, how he acts, how he phrases sentences, his tone, the smallest facial movement... it drips sex appeal.

... just sayin'.

I also need to get some popcorn for my Firefly marathon tomorrow, for which I need to be there at Curley's house at 9am. I'm so excited. She's pretty cool, and I love the show. I especially love Simon <333 I love me a sexy doctor.

And everyone keeps telling me that I gave a great speech yesterday. Yay! :)

Day 59 - The Long Version

1 bite-sized Payday candy bar
A few swallows of Diet Coke (I love that stuff)

So today has been good food-wise. I'm pretty proud of myself, but it's not entirely due to me... I just haven't been feeling as hungry, which is good, and I've been trying to move around even just a little bit more. It's not concentrated exercise, but it's as much as I feel like I can do right now. School is crazy, I feel a bit overwhelmed (what else is new? lol), and I just want to collapse whenever I'm at home.

And today we had our Martin Luther King, Jr., assembly today at school, and I gave a speech. I was sooooo nervous beforehand, even when choir was singing (but not as much then, I was wrapped up in the song), that I felt a bit ill, but I did waaay better than I expected. I didn't sound like I was reading it at ALL, instead I was giving a speech, and I was especially passionate on my favorite line: "But history is not supposed to be left in the past; it doesn't belong there." Mr. Rodne said that I was wonderful, and Mr. Kinnune said I did awesome (I love him... 'cause when he speaks to me, I believe him). Esme even said that I should run for public office. And Mrs. Snavely said that it was the best student speech she'd heard in all of her years of teaching and that it was compelling and had ideas :) I like this. And drama class applauded for me, and Mrs. also said that it was beautiful.

Yay for boasting sessions! :D

Yeah, overall, today was a pretty good day. Everyone kept hugging me and telling me I did awesomely.

But as for things I'm stressed out about: my object essay for Lucking's class. It's our semester final, and I haven't even really started. Well, I'm torn between two objects: the scarlet letter in The Scarlet Letter and the conch shell in The Lord of the Flies. The first would be easiest because I can think of two purposes it serves right off the bat and the book is much more fresh in my mind because we read it last year (I'll need to read it again, but I'll be really familiar with it).

Yeah, I think I'll do the Scarlet Letter. I need to make a list of things I need to get or do this weekend because I'm going shopping.

LIST:

- Clothes (new boot-cut jeans from Old Navy, a few shirts [if they're cute and I REALLY want them], a new pair of flats, some bras, some undies)
- The Scarlet Letter
- Return library books
- Do laundry
- Clean room

I'll be adding to the list every so often. I also get my check on Saturday, and my dad gets paid tomorrow, so I get paid back. So all tolled, that'll be about 450 dollars. Crap. I'll have almost 1000 dollars to my name. YAY MONEY! :D lol. And yet, I don't really want to spend any of it. But I suppose that's a REALLY good thing because being thrifty is good. That is what I have learned from this financial crisis. Caution and simplicity and thrift are all very good things. I mean, sure, there are times when you can spend a bit more, but for "everyday" kind of days, it's better to go cheaper while still making sure you get quality.

Quality's really more important to me than paying more money to get the pleasure of it.

But yeah. Overall, good day, need to go shopping, also need to get popcorn for Firefly marathon with Curley (be there at 9, btw), and money is good.

Also I have to work tomorrow, 1-5. Kind of lame, but alright. I need to get my JDEdwards login and password from the IT department, so that and actually putting in my time will take around thirty minutes, and I get a ten minute break... so that's forty minutes that I won't be putting books back. And it's not that I don't like my job, it's just that there are other things I'd rather be doing. However, those other things don't happen to pay me very well. So... yeah. I just don't want to have to go; when I'm there, I'm fine.

Day 59

1 bagel
< 1/2 of a vanilla steamer
2 mini cheeseburgers
< 1/2 of an apple
3 packets of oatmeal
1 strawberry banana yogurt

Good so far. We'll see how this day ends. But I've got to go to work right about now, lol, so I'll (hopefully) post later.

Day 57

2 packets of instant oatmeal w/ some milk
3 tiny little cheeseburgers
1 chocolate milk
1 applesauce
1 fun-sized Milky Way bar
1 140-calorie bag of Sun Chips
Four or five mugs of alternating between green and lemon&ginger tea

So today was pretty good, food-wise. I also got up and was cleaning the kitchen a bit and used the vacuum to sweep (I couldn't find the broom, lol).

And one of my evaluators for eFolio commented on my sheet that I was a "little pretentious" and "overconfident". Jerkface owes me an apology. Not only is that an insult, it is unprofessional conduct and inappropriate to say that to a student. And it hurt my feelings. What, should I be underconfident and timid? Like hell I will. I'm Christina. I'm awesome. So my mom or my dad is going to call Lucking and talk to her about it. I think the guy should give me an apology to my face so I can accept it with grace and poise. So he'll realize what a little person he is in comparison to a not-yet-eighteen-year-old young woman.

And my friends support me :)

And now I'm taking a bath to relax after that. And read some fanfiction. :D

Day 56

Less than a serving of Frosted Flakes
Less than a cup of milk
Three little cheeseburgers (tiny things, they are)
1 chocolate milk
2 McDonald's double cheeseburgers
1 small fries
1 glass of orange juice

... yeah. Not good. I just haven't been paying much attention lately. The reason I didn't eat much before dinner (McDonald's) was because I was too nervous about my eFolio presentation. Then I didn't get home until 5pm because of a voice lesson and then I didn't eat until 5:45. Yeah...

I just feel like crap lately. Just all around. I'm not eating right, I'm not exercising... just because I haven't made it a priority. I just don't know what to focus on or what to do with myself. I stay up way too late, get up too early (because I want to eat breakfast), but I end up not eating a good breakfast... I just feel so alone in this so I forget about it for a while and don't do anything particularly healthy. It's just hard that my immediate family isn't in this with me.

And then there's college. So I hung out with Ben Olson on Sunday and we chatted about Cornell because he goes there and I want to go there, and I'm soooo second-guessing myself. It's so... you know? It's such an elite school, and I don't feel like an elite person, and it's not ENTIRELY the fact I'm not a prep school kid from a rich family. I mean, honestly, that doesn't really matter to me, that I'm not from a "rich" family, but I feel like I wouldn't fit in. Or that it's not really the school for me. Or I'm not ambitious enough to go there. I don't even know.

I think I'm just anxious about it.

To be honest, I feel a little neglected. I feel like I haven't taken time to really do something special for myself. I should go shopping this weekend... except not... I want to save my money... UGH. I should maybe go to lunch at Panera by myself? Or with someone? Go to a movie? Ugh, again, saving money...

I do feel neglected, though, but I don't know by whom. I don't know, maybe it's weird, but I just feel like it'd be really nice if someone did something really special for me just randomly. Sometimes (and I feel guilty saying it) I feel like I'm such a nice person and I always do nice things and say nice things that it isn't really reciprocated. Weird, right? I know.

AW, CRAP. I need to get on that object essay sometime. I don't even need a draft until next week, but I need to get started. I should go to Barnes and Noble and pick up a copy of The Scarlet Letter. I was going to do the conch shell from Lord of the Flies, but I like The Scarlet Letter better. Honestly, though, I don't really want to do it at all because I'm just so stressed and angry and frustrated and depressed. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! headdesk.

Again, I feel like crap all over, which, if taken literally, would not be pleasant either, so the analogy seems to make sense.

I kinda feel like crying. I haven't cried in a while, so maybe it's built up. I wish I could just let loose and do the whole crazy sobbing thing, but I kind of can't. My dad would wake up, and I just don't like being asked questions when I'm crying. Or talked to by anyone except my mom, really.

I just feel really alone right now. Just in every way. Not just my weight loss thing (which I feel like is impossible, btw), but everything. I don't feel like there's anyone I can relate to. I think I'm just a failure at relationships. I may just be destined to be an old spinster who never became anything at all >_>

Day 55

2 big bowls of Honey Nut Cheerios
1 Honey Wheat bagel with butter
2 slices of bread with butter
1 grande hot chocolate
Rice and teriyaki chicken nugget-like things
1 Lemon Ice

MY WORRY LIST:

- going to work
- eFolio presentation
- not getting into college
- looking like a fool
- gaining weight
- the new week
- not ever falling in love
- not ever being able to write love
- being anxious
- not getting enough sleep
- eating too much
- eating too little
- not losing weight
- looking horrible at prom
- being a loser in college
- doing stupid things
- getting pulled over
- always being alone
- losing my friends
- not being cool
- failing college
- failing at life
- not being the kind of person I want to be

Ugh, I'm just so anxious and nervous about everything. I hate it so much.

But today, hung out with Ben Olson. That was a lot of fun. He's cool.

Yesterday, drove my first non-family passenger; it was Chase. And we went to Morgan's house to study. The three of us, we ended up talking about 9/11, Bush, and moving away and leaving everyone for college. It was interesting. It was good, though. We did get studying done, though.

But on a whole, I think I'm... okay. Better than I was during break. But I'm still nervous and anxious. And I still can't write. Everything I try to write is bad. v_v Dislike.

My Worry List

So I've been making lists of things that worry me. It's helping with my stress, so:

- Failing my eFolio presentation
- Messing up on my speech for our MLK assembly
- Not getting my object essay done on time for Lucking
- Getting everyone pissy at me
- Forgetting my dress/black clothes for tomorrow
- Ending up alone
- Not getting into Cornell, Vassar, or UW
- Getting really sick
- Failing miserably at s/e
- Spencer not being ready for s/e
- Steve not being ready for s/e
- Not being able to get work off on the 21st
- Getting fired
- Doing horribly at work
- Grades going down the hole

You know, despite all of the things, I feel really anxious, and I can't even point out a real reason for it. I don't get it. I just feel really suddenly stress-y and anxious, like I need to be nervous for something, but there's not anything. I mean, thinking about work makes the feeling worse, but work is fine and relaxing and a little boring. I don't know why I feel this way. It's weird.

Day 50

Yaaay, 50 days. I wonder if I've lost any weight.

1 Vanilla steamer
1 bagel
1 piece of pepperoni pizza
1 applesauce
1 chocolate milk
1 mug of blueberry tea
A few handfuls of Tostitos chips
1 HUUUUUGE salad

Today has been a good day, I think. Not too much food, but more food than yesterday (I hadn't felt hungry, so I hadn't eaten much), so that's good because it's healthy. Also, I have a healthy dinner planned. Aside from that salad, I have chicken noodle soup, which I love, so yay.

Oh, and I got this award from my school's "Diversity and Respect Team" (we had some controversies and everyone was hating on everyone else and it was bad news, so we have this team), which is really nice. And my choir teacher nominated me for it, and the reason why (they attached it to the award) made me really happy. It's really nice to get recognized for being positive and nice and respectful.

And we had Tea Tuesday today :D I love my AP European History class. We're so awesome.

Day 48

Buffet food (some eggs, a bit of steak, some watermelon, two small croissants, a chocolate-chocolate cookie, two pieces of french toast, no syrup, two rolls, orange juice, milk)
1 tiny piece of pizza
1 green tea

I haven't eaten much today because my day has sucked except for the part where I hung out with Sarah. But yeah, I thought I had lost a pair of pants that I NEED for drama class, and then I flipped out, and then I started thinking about how I fail in all other ways, too. I was crying and screaming in my car when I was driving back from the mall because I wanted to go buy another pair, but the mall closes at 6pm and I went at 7:30.

Yeah.

More Day 47

1 green tea
1 Honey Wheat bagel w/ butter
1 serving of vanilla ice cream
2 pieces of my cousin's cake (DELICIOUS)
1 huge salad

Yeah, we had dinner at my Grandma's house because it's her birthday, but I was reading in the car and that makes me nauseous, so I only felt better at dessert. So I have this salad to give me some much-needed nutrients. It's pretty delicious. Strawberries <3

OH! Brian Holden of StarKidPotter emailed me back :DDDD I adore him so much, but even more so because he emailed me back! And he told me to have a happy new year, so I think I shall, haha.

And the cute guy at Safeway tapped me on my opposite shoulder as he was walking by. He's totally cute. I think we're in love, haha.

Day 47

1 Honey Wheat bagel with butter
1 Lite yogurt
1 glass of milk

And I'm hanging out with Ben really soon, so I'm probably going to have either a green tea or a vanilla steamer, but I'll probably go with the tea because it's better for me, and I haven't had any tea in the last couple of days. That makes me sad.

And I FINALLY updated my Continuum story on fanfiction.net haha. It took me, like, two months, but I'm almost done with chapter 39, and I'll do chapter 40 soon, too. Yay! I want this story over, haha. So I can start my new one.

But I need to think of what should happen in chapter 40... maybe wedding preparations, Zuko getting advice from Hakoda and Sokka about Water Tribe traditions, Zuko and Katara with their baby, the first hectic, sleepless nights, congratulations from various nobles, and more of Ursa and Katara talking about being the Fire Lady... :D And lotsa Zutara.

We like Zutara.

But I'm really excited for my new story because it's Zutara but with no Aang to complicate matters. Hehe.

More Day 46

1 toasted ham and mozzerella cheese sandwich
1 1/4 diet coke
1 large salad

... Good-ish? I don't really know. But at least I'm not eating large amounts of food. It's not that healthy, what I ate, but it's not in a huge quantity. Time to go brush my teeth to tell myself that it's not food time any more.

I finished Pride and Prejudice! :D Now I'm free to read other things. "In the Garden of Sin"... I love books about sex. Hehe.

Still not feeling good about myself and life. I'm wondering when this will pass. I don't like this. Maybe I miss school or something and I'm just agonizing over nothing? I don't know.

Day 46

Egg Beater eggs
Four pieces of turkey bacon (which was actually quite nice... different, but good)
Two Honey Wheat bagels w/ butter

So far, today has been good. I also spent a couple of hours in Issaquah at Barnes and Noble. I won the library's writing contest so I was spending my prize ($50 at B&N). I ended up only getting one book, a sequel to Pride and Prejudice. Right before the double wedding, Bingley has, um... a problem. And Darcy's solution is to give him a copy of "The Kama Sutra." How could I say no to such a book?

And I'm reading another book called "In the Garden of Sin" that I checked out from the library. Hey, it's a book about courtesans and learning the "erotic arts." What could possibly attract me more? Hahah, attract. Erotic arts. Sex. Hahaha.

But I'm feeling okay today. I need to talk to Snave when school starts back up. I don't think I can do my solos. There's too much work and stress to be put into it, and I just don't think I can do it. And I feel bad because I was really excited about it, but... eh. I think taking care of myself and my health and my sanity needs to come first before anything else, and then school, and then work, and then everything else. Unfortunately, s/e is kind of at the bottom of the list, all things considered. I think I'm perfectly within my rights to say that.

Speaking of which, I only have history notes and my CI packet to do before school starts, and the history notes are only on two sections. Easy. And the CI packet... I just have to do. lol. I can be pretty lazy.

You know what I just realized? That's really negative, calling myself lazy. I'm anything but lazy. I work harder than most people in my grade, than most people in general. I work really hard. I'm not procrastinating. I'm choosing to spend my time in a different manner, other than doing my homework. It will get done. I'm consciously choosing to not do it now because I know I will have ample time later. I am a hard worker. I am not lazy.