Day 45

The rest of the Lemon Freeze
Several pieces of bread
1 1/2 three-by-three pieces of lasagna
Almost an entire bag of cheetos (not a huge "family size" bag, but bigger than the individual size)
A couple of glasses of milk

Yeah... I ate a lot. Eh.

Not feeling that much better.

But I won the library's writing contest. Hey, that's fifty bucks that I can spend at Barnes and Noble that I couldn't before. I call that a win. So I'm going to go buy a few books tomorrow. But I don't know what to get.

Day 45

1 personal Frankie's pizza
< 1 Lemon Ice Freeze thing from Schwan's

I haven't had much today, but I've exercised a lot. I did 20 min on the treadmill, reading Pride and Prejudice (still need to finish, but watching the four-and-a-half hour version right now), and then did three hours of work. So... I don't know if it balances out, but hey, exercise is good.

Still feeling crappy.

Day 44

1 Quarter Pounder w/ Cheese
1 medium fries
1 diet coke
1 personal Frankie's pizza
1 bag of popcorn

Yeah, not the healthiest of days, but we have no food in my house.

What's more, I'm depressed. I have never felt like this before, and I feel horrible. It's just this heaviness about myself (huh, ironic considering this is my weight loss blog), and this pain in my stomach when I think of everything I have to do. I feel like shit, like I'm absolutely a failure, like I could never be anything, like I'm shit. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just need a hug and a good talk with someone, but I don't feel like I can be really honest with anyone, you know? Like, completely honest. I've never shown anyone all of my emotions or told anyone everything, and I feel so isolated. I don't feel like I could rant and yell at someone (in person) and show all of my emotions and explain everything. I just don't feel like I should have to, like I should be able to deal with this on my own. I frankly don't trust anyone enough to do that, either.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm all stressed out, too, because I waited so long to do my homework (gonna do it, hopefully, tomorrow after work) and because I have so much stuff to do, like solo/ensemble. I think I'm going to tell Snavely I'm not going to do it this year because I have so much on my plate and I just don't have the energy. I just don't think I can put the time into it or the energy. It's mostly the energy. If I REALLY wanted to do it, I'd find the time, but I just... can't this year. With all of the pressure and all of this new emotional crap, I just don't think I can deal with that extra stress. Maybe it's a cop-out, I don't know, but I just can't take it this year. I've put myself through so much in the last three years that I just need to be kind to myself this year. I don't have the stamina anymore.

I just want to cry right now, but I can't. I don't want anyone to hear.

Ugh. I need a hug and a long talk with someone I trust, but it's the last thing that I just can't do.

I don't know what I'm going to do with myself.

Day 43 (even though it's technically 44 already)

1 bagel
< 1 Luna bar
< 1 tall vanilla steamer
Buffet food >.<

I had waaaay too much dessert and waaaay too much dinner, but I suppose it sort of (?) balances out because I didn't get up until noon and then didn't really eat. But I walked for fifteen minutes on the treadmill and then walked for an hour and twenty minutes with Taylor, so... yeah. I'm walking another 30 min. tomorrow, too. I'm getting up earlier, though. My messed up schedule is not going to be good for when I have to go back to school.

Speaking of which, I need to finish my homework. I'm so lazy, lol.

I'm still really depressed. Thinking of leaving the house makes everything constrict inside. I just want to hide in bed all day tomorrow, but I can't because I have work at 6. I even decided to not go to the movies with my friends because I'm just so depressed and I don't want to see anyone and I don't want to have to talk to people. It's probably good that no one reads this, otherwise my friends might get mad at me, lol.

I still really hate the way I look, though. I don't feel good in any way, though I can sometimes forget about it. During the day, I usually feel fine because I'm not thinking about it because I have a million other things I need to do. But now, at night, when there's nothing else to think about... ugh.

I just feel like an entire waste of space. I don't feel like I have anything to contribute to the world, like I could never really be anything, like I could most certainly never be what I want to be. I mean, seriously, I aim too high. I'm just not good enough for the things I want. I feel so mediocre. So average. So worth forgetting.

I don't know what's up with me. I mean, I do, I guess, but I just don't think it should affect me so much. I feel like I should be fine, and because I'm not, that's a sign of egregious weakness. It's a bit demoralizing, really.

I don't know. I just feel crappy.

Day 43 (I guess... it's past midnight)

So tomorrow I am going to walk for 30 min (while reading Pride and Prejudice because I REALLY need to get that done) and then walk for who-knows-how-long with Taylor. I'm going to not eat breakfast until after my walk, and even then, drink tons of water first.

Ugh, I hate food. I want it so much all of the time.

Speaking of which, I just read an article -- in overweight people, no matter how many calories there are in something, they don't feel as full after it as normal-weight people do. So it's not entire my fault, and it's not some great moral failing, if I still feel hungry after something that someone sixty pounds lighter would consider an entire meal.

Except I still hate food. I wish I didn't have to eat it and I could just lose weight.

Foooood

6 slices of bread (headdesk)
1 small-ish serving of mac & cheese
Big salad

Eh... okay-ish. The salad was huge, so lots of veggies and nutrition there, but the bread was way too delicious, and even though I feel pretty stuffed right now, I'm having some mac & cheese. I don't know. I just feel crappy all over, even though I did exercise this morning.

Need to do that tomorrow, btw. And I'm going walking with Taylor, too, so that will be extra goodness.

Food

Panera sandwich + chicken noodle soup + bread (490)
1 mug of tea (probably gonna have more, too)
Another 1000 mL of water

1 bagel (260)
Butter for the bagel (75)

I'm really trying to eat slow and chew many times and put the food down between each bite. I'm also not sitting in front of the TV, which is good, and I made tea and drank 1000 mL of water, too. So I'm really trying hard. I also want to, when my mom gets back from wherever she is with the car, go down to Issaquah, get some Panera for dinner, and go to Bed Bath and Beyond to get some bath-y stuff. I love baths.

Day 42

1 Lite yogurt (100)
30 min walking on the treadmill (approx. 175 calories burnt)

Just so this doesn't seem like I'm going anorexic, considering it's almost 1pm, I only got up at 11.

I don't really want to comment on how I feel right now. Not that I feel particularly bad or good, just... don't want to talk about it.

Please disregard if swearing offends you.

This is fucking hard.

Now, I know I don't swear -- ever -- but I'm feeling the need to right now. Why? Because today, I ate tons of cookies, yogurt, and bagels. I think I had four or five bagels.

WHAT THE HELL.

This is hard, and I'm not helping me at all.

I just... want to eat all of the time. Now, I know why I do this -- subconsciously, I don't want to be see as a sexual creature. This might creep you out, but I'm a very sexual person. I think about it all of the time, I read it, I write it (sometimes... sometimes it's just too awkward), I imagine it. I want to have sex sometime (not now... my uterus is not meant to be used at such a young age). But underneath that, I don't really want people to see me that way. I don't really want guys to be drooling after me.

And now that I realize all of that, it's gotten even harder. I don't think I really ever ate like this before I started trying to lose weight, or at least I don't remember it. It's so fucking hard. I had a salad today for dinner. It was delicious, and I felt satisfied. And then I promptly proceeded to eat three bagels with butter.

What the hell?! Seriously! What's wrong with me?

Honestly, it's not entirely my fault -- we have no healthy food around in this joint!

Random thought: I'm going to Issaquah tomorrow, having lunch by myself at Panera, and going shopping. Or just drive around. That'll keep me from eating. Wait, crap, lunch involves eating.

I honestly don't want to do the whole eating disorder thing. It's unhealthy and bad. But sometimes it feels like I have no other options. I have asthma, so exercise isn't fun, and it doesn't feel good. It hurts, and I hate the feeling of my lungs closing up on me. And I use food to stave away depression, &c.

I want to be beautiful! I want to be thin and beautiful. I want to be able to wear shorts without looking like I have legs that are sausages that are being squeezed. I want to be able to wear cute shirts without ruining the cuteness of them with all of my fat.

I hate and love food so much.

I like food because it tastes good and it fulfills some sort of fantasy I have that I'll feel good while eating it. That's partly due to advertising and partly due to other reasons. It's just something I do when I'm watching TV or on the computer. I do it compulsively. I eat all of the time (which explains the fact I'm a size 16 while coming in at just under 5'3'' at age 17). I don't exercise because it's not part of my life and I haven't made a significant enough effort to make it so. I obviously don't care enough.

But I hate food because it's the enemy. Food equals fat, and fat equals unattractive, and unattractive equals nothingness. I hate it because it makes me feel gross. I hate it because it doesn't do a damn thing for me when I expect so much from it. It's like a drug in the sense that it provides a short-term high and then leaves me feeling disgusting afterwards.

The fact I'm addicted to food is only one reason why I feel horrible about myself, though, but it's the only thing I can really change.

I need to take this more seriously. If I need to use my own money to buy healthy food for myself, then I need to do that because my family isn't willing to help me out. I need to stop being on the computer or in front of the TV so much and spend that time on the treadmill. Of course, I can say that, but I'll never really do it.

Fatalistic attitude, maybe, but who really gives a shit?

Oh, goody, time to write some depressing pieces of "fiction" on facebook so I can cry out for help but no one will really care or take the time to try and really help me because they don't care! How wonderful! Maybe people will ask me what's wrong but they won't really help because no one cares! I love it.

>_> I hate myself.

Day 41

Uh... it's been up and down lately, I guess. Today, I've pigged out on cookies and had two yogurts and a glass of milk. Ugh. Dislike. I haven't been very good or strict with myself. I need to get some healthy food for the house.

I think I'm going to have soup tonight for dinner. Soup and maybe a Subway sandwich. That'd be good. And healthy.

Mostly, I'm still depressed and lonely. And I'm on my period; that has been messing with my desires to eat and my inhibitions. I just don't care, and I want to make myself feel better, lol.

Day 37

3 soft tortillas
1 soft pretzel
1 cup of Spanish Rice-a-Roni
1 tiny Uncle Sam's cookie
Lots of tea
Lots of water
1 cup of chicken noodle soup
1 tall vanilla steamer w/ whip
3 bite-sized Snickers

So, today I did pretty well on the calorie side, not so much on the nutrition side. I got up at noon, and then I wanted to have more for dinner, but my mom got home late with the car, so I could only go to Safeway and get some soup. But then by the time I got to the library and could quickly bolt my dinner in the car, the soup bowl with its cover had turned over in the plastic bag and spilled over half of it. So I didn't have too much :(

And I thought my mom had, instead of going to look for a present for my dad, taken my money and gone to the casino, so I was so blazingly mad when she got home, and then I cried because I was stressed about finding a ride (Blake had agreed... after I had called, like, seven other people) and that I was going to be late to work, &c. I sort of feel bad about jumping to that conclusion, though.

But work was good, I moved around a lot, stretched up to the top shelves, and whatnot. Now, I really must get on with reading Pride and Prejudice but I'm just so lazy. Instead, I'm going to finish this X-Men fanfiction that I've been reading and then read another one, haha. Hrm, should go ask when we're going to the casino for the buffet tomorrow because I have plans with Steve (drive-thru Starbucks @ noon).

Still rather depressed about a lot of things.

36

3 soft pretzels
2 packets of oatmeal

So... I had a bit of a binge snack. BUT I'm not going to get down about it. I was hungry, and I needed to eat. Perhaps this wasn't the best sort of snack, but I'm just going to try to eat less for the rest of the day or maybe have a snack-sized dinner to balance it out. I don't want to ruin my good day. I had a walk and had two small meals. So... it's not the end of the world.

In other news, I've been really pensive today. I've been thinking about a lot of things, and I think I understand now why I gained all of this weight and why it's hard for me to lose it. I've been thinking about a lot of things I haven't thought about for a long time, and it's kind of weighed me down, but I need to think about it. Because of all of that, I know what I want to write about someday. I don't feel comfortable saying it on here, but I know what my first great work will be. It will hurt to write it, but it needs to be said.

36

1 subway sandwich, 6 in., white bread, turkey, cheddar cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, and cucumbers
1 Vitamin water
1 mug of hot chocolate with milk instead of water

I feel like I'm really doing well today. And Arianne and I must have walked for, like, forty minutes at least. This is good!

Hrm, must read P&P today. I'll probably do it before bed. And my mom's making spritzer cookies, and I LOVE them. Yaaaay Christmas! But ugh, I have to work tomorrow, lol. Only three hours, but STILL. But I do get Christmas Eve off w/ pay :D And I have to work on Saturday. Ugh, lol. I'm so lazy.

And next week, I am planning to do my history notes. But this week is for real relaxation. And I'm not going to feel bad about eating cookies tonight. It's a holiday. Freebie. lol

36

1 packet of oatmeal w/ 1 cup of milk

And I'm going to have a subway sandwich with Arianne (I seriously have to leave, like, right now). So today is going to be a good day.

Also, I thought I should share this:

Greg Proops on Riverdance: "I can't move my hips, I can't move my head, but below the ankles, I am a rockin' bag of Celtic sex."

Hehehehe. I love Greg Proops.

35

2 pieces of toast with butter, sugar, and cinnamon
1 mug of tea
1 mug of hot chocolate
1 mug of milk
A small cup of milk
1 bowl of chicken nuggets and mashed potatoes

So... I'm about to start my period, so I just want to eat everything in sight. GUYS HAVE IT SO MUCH EASIER! Their metabolisms are crazy fast, AND they don't have to deal with their hormones prompting them to eat, eat, eat sugary things and a lot of everything! It's really unfair. Add that to the fact girls have to have the babies inside of them and then push them out, and what the hell, biology?!

You know, though, I've been thinking a lot lately about sex. Teenagers (boys AND girls, don't fall into stupid stereotypes that have never been true!) think about sex a lot, but I've been thinking about whether or not I want to have sex before marriage. A couple months ago, if you had asked me, I would have been, like, heck, I'm waiting! But now, I'm not so sure.

I'm not religious anymore. Being a rational, thinking, logical person, I don't see how there could be an afterlife because when it comes down to it, everything we are is merely the result of electrical impulses in our brain. That's it. But at the same time, I don't really believe that, I think there is an afterlife, but it's not straight out of Christian theology anymore.

Anyway, because I don't have religious dogma dictating my actions, I'm not sure what to think about sex. Granted, it would take me a while to get to that point of being comfortable enough with a guy, considering I'm prudish and uncomfortable and insecure and rather scared of sex (yeah, I know, weird), but what if there was someone I trusted and loved in a way I felt comfortable with? Would it be wrong for me to have sex with them?

And I'm not talking now, because I'm not stupid. I don't want any nasty diseases or a baby to carry around because nothing, not even vaguely pleasurable, rather disappointing teenage sex would tempt me from my life plans. I have a lot more important things to do with myself now and in the future than some teenage boy. But in college, what if I wanted to experiment? What if I met a guy I fell head over heels for? Would it be wrong?

And why do I think sex before marriage is wrong, anyway? I think most of that belief comes from the idea that sex is supposed to be between a husband and a wife. Well, no, not really. Sex is between two adults so they can make babies. It's a plus that sex can feel good. I think sex CAN be very special and can be reserved between a married/committed couple, but sex can also be just fun and for feeling good.

And will I feel like a ho if I do? Will I have enough respect for myself to be able to make this decision because -I- want to make the decision and not because I'm being told what to do by some set of morals that were handed to me?

But not even just all-the-way penetrative sex, what about before that? Is losing articles of clothing okay? I don't know.

Anyway, sorry about that, I've just been thinking about it for a while, trying to figure out what I think.

Day 35

1 medium-sized bowl of Total
4 pieces of bacon
Eggbeater Eggs <3
2 glasses of orange juice
Handful of Hershey's Kisses

So... today has been okay so far, and it's already 3pm, so... I don't know. Today was a bad day. I was very depressed about everything. I'm not really better. So I'm just going to go read and try to forget about everything

>_>

I don't know if I can do this. I just don't want it enough. I would rather have a brownie or a second bowl of cereal than be a smaller size. But at the same time, I feel like I'll be missing out on life if I'm not skinny, that my life won't be complete, that I won't be able to be happy, if I'm not thin. But I've never been thin, so I have no idea what I'd look like. But then again, I don't think any decent-looking guy will ever look at me if I'm not skinny.

Call me shallow (I know I am) but I want to be with someone who's an amazing person, inside and out. Being with someone handsome is important to me. Is that wrong? Because honestly, if I'm going to get it on with someone, I want them to be good-looking. See, I told you: shallow.

And the only way to get someone good-looking is to be good-looking myself. I'll be honest with you right here, I'm nothing that special. I don't have pretty, sharp features or a defined jaw and chin or a thin face or anything like that. My face is really fat, and my forehead dominates my face. I'm nothing to write home about, but if I had a nice body, maybe that would help?

And I know these aren't the right thoughts to have, but this is how it feels, and these feel like the real rules of life. I feel like crap right now.

More food

3/4 of a REALLY rich brownie
2 pieces of lightly buttered toast

I feel like such a pig... I keep eating today, and I KNOW I want to be skinny and hot and all, but I just keep eating! We need healthier choices in my house... This is depressing. I hate writing everything I eat because I eat so much.

More Day 34 Foo

2 1/2 piece of bacon
Egg Beater eggs
2 pieces of buttered bread

Well, I'm pretty full now. Maybe that'll keep me from eating more. I'm kind of frustrated right now because I haven't been doing too well >.<

Day 34

Food:

2 packets of oatmeal
1/2 cup of milk in the oatmeal
Four Hershey's kisses

I really want to do well today. Even though it's a weekend and I'm on break from school, I want to do well. I want to be healthy, I want to be thin, I want to be really hot for college. This is just really hard work, breaking habits, but I really do want it. I just don't have a scale, so I have no way of knowing if I'm even losing weight at all, so I see no results. Must talk to 'rents about that.

Day 32 Food

1 bagel
3 mini cheeseburgers
Three or four chips
1 chocolate milk
1 turkey + lettuce sandwich on whole grain bread (Starbucks)
1 almost-liter of water (+ two cups of water in Lucking's class)
Several mints
1 1/2 servings of Rice-a-Roni
Five teriyaki chicken nuggets
120 calories of Sprite

Ehhh... not too good, but not too bad. I've been trying. I need to grab my water bottle from my car, though. I need to drink more water... I need to find my red Wildcat water bottle because that really does help me.

Day 32

Ehhh... I haven't been doing too well, I don't think. I've been moving around more because of work and stuff, pushing carts and stretching to reach the top shelves and whatnot, but I don't feel like I've cut down enough on my food intake or exercised enough. Well, I KNOW I haven't exercised enough. But my jeans are looser, even when I take them right out of the dryer, and I admit, I looked damn good in my dress for jazz choir (someone took a video and I saw and I didn't think I looked fat at all... thicker than, say, Melissa, but she's uber thin). I just had a little freak out when I saw Cornell requires a swim test and two PE classes, but I'm like, forget that! I can do that swimming, and I want to take a survey ballroom dance class. I'll just need to find someone who will take it with me who's a guy because you can only sign up as a couple. And I'm thinking about taking a general health class, like, how to be healthy and whatnot.

BUT I did ask Arianne if she would walk around North Bend with me. That'll be exercise and hanging out AND Arianne, who I love! :D

I just need to exercise more and find ways that work for me. I'm thinking about getting an exercise DVD or something. Maybe when I'm down in Issaquah tomorrow getting Pride and Prejudice and Chase's gift I'll pick one up. I DO have money, after all :D

I just want to be hot when I go off to college and be a completely new person. I want to be thinner and healthy and confident in the way I look and be able to be a bit less conservative and still be comfortable. I don't want to change when I go off to college, I'm always going to be me, exuberant, enthusiastic, cheerful me, but I want to feel like a sexy version of me. I'm so excited for college -- nervous and a bit worried, too, and I know I'm going to be so horribly homesick -- and I just want everything to be awesome.

I was really stressed out this past week, and I had a horrible time of it. My parents wanted me to apply to more schools, but I couldn't because of the deadlines and how much time stuff took, and I don't know anything about the schools they wanted me to apply to, and it took a ton of tears (not in front of my mom and dad, though, just my mom earlier in the day) and a bit of a shouting match to get them to back off, but I'm glad they did. I had a horrendous day the day after they told me they wanted me to apply to more schools. My hair was frizzy, and I wore jeans and a sweatshirt, and I was tired and lethargic all day. I totally failed a CI test I took, on a different note (D+ *cringe* but it only brought my quarter grade down to a B+ and my semester grade is still an A).

It was just a bad day, but then my parents backed off, and I got my stuff for Vassar and Cornell sent off today, and so I don't have to do anything other than send in my financial aid stuff. Today was a better day.

But yeah... I need to try harder to exercise and eat better. But I've stuck with this idea for a long time, so I think there's something to be said for that.

Day 28

1 bowl of oatmeal
1 glass of milk
1 chicken burger
1 chocolate milk
1 side of mac 'n' cheese
1 applesauce
1 smaller bowl of oatmeal
1 glass of milk
Yet another glass of milk
Some altoids

Man, I feel pretty good right now. Even though I've had my ups and downs, I've stayed with this for quite a while! I feel like I can do this (give it time, though, lol). Also, I just washed a pair of jeans and usually, they're tight and I don't need a belt, but even right out of the wash, they were loose-ish. I call this a victory. AND a couple of days ago, a girl in choir with me asked me if I've been losing weight and that I looked really good :D Yay.

My week seems to be going well so far. I worked tonight because of my choir concert on Wednesday (crap, need to learn the tenor part on Lonesome Road... will do that at lunch tomorrow with Blake). The tenor part is pretty easy, but I'll need to memorize it enough to give Blake some back-up because Logan is having an epic fail of a time and isn't showing up to jazz choir. And while he's cool, he needs to be there otherwise the tenor section is comprised of one tenor. lol

And Steve and I sound sooo good together for our duet. YAY! Can you say "STATE"?! wooo. We're totally going to get to state. We're so fricken boss.

But yeah, things are going pretty good. Must've been because of my boss weekend :D

Day 26

(this post is for yesterday.)

1 big bowl of oatmeal
1 vanilla steamer
1 bagel
1 glass of milk
1 Luna bar
1 croissant sandwich with chicken salad
A couple of Altoids
1 plain hamburger
1 chocolate milkshake
Some fries

Ahh, Dramafest was so much fun. The judges voted me as best actress, and they thought my writing was really good. One of them (can't remember his name, but his Gryffindor scarf was boss) talked to me about my plays. He said he had no criticisms for Cheap Scotch and that the writing was funny at times and poignant at others and it was everything it needed to be, but he had suggestions for the Puppetmaster, and it was just... it blows my mind. He was talking to me about my work like I was an equal, and he's a professional actor! And he said my writing was good. And Mrs. Snavely said that all of the judges were really impressed with my work. I mean, oh my God.

And now I'm so overwhelmed because I'm thinking that I should become a professional playwright/writer, and I just don't know what to do with myself. I could actually do this. I could actually become a professional writer. That is so crazy. I never thought I could actually do it for real and for money, but everyone's telling me I can, and I think my writing's very good... I could actually do it. I never honestly thought people would like my work enough or take me seriously, but they do. This is insane.

Day 27 Food:

1 large glass of milk

Day Twenty-five

Ughhhhh, lol, I've been so bad with keeping up with this! I've just been so busy, but next week, everything will calm down. Dramafest will be over, and I'll probably have all of my Cornell financial aid stuff done. It wouldn't let me open one of the files, but that was because I didn't have Adobe Reader, but I figured that out today, so I finished the form and sent it online to Cornell. Yay! Now all I have to do is send in my parents' 2008 tax forms. But first, I need to get new ink for our printer. But all that can come later. Tomorrow is work for four hours and then Dramafest and then on Sunday, I'm doing homework (essay, vocab, reading a chappie for CI). I can't wait until next week.

I also need to get a dreidel for the White Elephant we're doing in Tomlisson's class. IT'S FUNNY. It's a Christmas thing... so the gift will be a Hanukkah gift... LAUGH, PEOPLE.

And I saw Cheap Scotch performed tonight :DDD It feels so weird, though. I don't feel like I'm feeling like I should be. It feels almost like this is what's supposed to happen, not like it's anything out of the ordinary. And Arianne and I almost finished our Bale-a-thon today with the Newsies and most of the Dark Knight. CHRISTIAN BALE WITHOUT HIS SHIRT IS HOT. It makes me want to write naughty smutty scenes. Hehe. Not that -I- would ever do that. Except I would.

I wrote out a bit of a scene here and then realized people related to me might read this. Heh. That would be awwwwwkward! XD But seriously. My computer is going to feel slightly violated. Christian Bale does interesting things to me. I mean even his NAME is sexy. Everything about him is sexy. I adore him. So I think I'm going to have to marry a Christian Bale lookalike otherwise my life will be empty and meaningless, lol.

Except not.

Ugh. Future. College. x_x I depress myself sometimes.

Anyway, my food for today:

1 green tea
1 bagel
2 Luna bars
A ton of candy
2 small slices of frozen pizza (it wasn't frozen when I ate it, but it WAS frozen)
A couple haddock sticks
1 large glass of milk

So... I didn't do so well. But I'm just happy that I've stuck with this for so long and I've been cognizant of what I've been eating and watching it. I still need to exercise sometime. Helen taught me an exercise that I want to try, but it would be awkward to do it in my house. I need to find the time, too. Le sigh.

Anyway, time to go read smutty fanfics. They're my favorite kind, after all. But only the well-written ones. Bad ones are just porn on paper, and it's sooo not good literature. It just fails in all ways.

Anyway.

:D

OH, and I need to stalk Olivia's blog. Because I like stalking people.

Day twenty-two!

1 grande vanilla steamer - 340
1 bagel - 250
1 chicken burger - 350
1 chocolate milk - 140
1 applesauce - 105
1 tall glass of milk - 180
1 piece of bread with Nutella - 300-ish

Eh, I've done okay today. And it's cold so I'm burning more calories just because it's cold. I need some serious dinner, though, I'm dying of hunger, lol.

THREE WEEKS :D

So, today was a crazy day. I didn't get home until 8:30, lol. School, rehearsal, AP Euro study party (which was BOSS), and now home. It was good, though, for eating because I was too busy to think about eating food, and I wasn't around it most of the day.

1 Starbucks classic sausage sandwich - 470 (but I want to say less because there was no cheese)
1 green tea - 0
1 chocolate milk - 140
1 chicken burger - 350?
< 1 applesauce - 30
1 Chewy bar - 90
1 1/2 serving of pasta dish - 400 (if that)
1 glass of water
1 handful of popcorn - 40
1 bottle of Root Beer - 260

I've got a rough estimate of about 1800... let's see, about 1760 because I rounded up on a couple numbers. That's REALLY good! My RMR or whatever is 1720-something, and I must have burned a ton because I was at rehearsal and running around and being crazy at the study party. Man, we need to have more of those, that was awesome. I love Jew jokes. :D And I love that we can make Jew jokes with Alisha. She's a Jew. hehe. Except it's true, because she is Jewish.

But yeah, that's really, really good :D I am pleased. And I've been keeping on this for a while, three weeks is a long time. I like this blog. It helps me stay accountable for what I eat. Except for yesterday because I just ate a ton of cookies and no dinner and then a bagel late at night because I was starving. So... I don't know how I did yesterday, but the nutrition wasn't so great, but I dunno about the calories.

:D

Day Twenty

2 bagels with lotsa nutella (addiction!!)
2 fist-sized amounts of rice-a-roni
1 large glass of milk

And I'll probably have a lot of cookies soon, once they're done baking. I'm making cookies for my teachers who wrote me letters of recommendation for college, but the box makes about three dozen, and I only need one dozen for my teachers, lol. But I'm going to try to not go too crazy. I'm going to put a ton of them away and only eat a couple. Two or three isn't too bad.

More food

1 slice of white-but-whole-grain bread with lotsa nutella (it's soooo good)
1 cheese roundy thing
1 Lite yogurt
1 mug of green tea (to get my voice ready for tonight)

Yay, I actually practiced my music for tonight AND did my two outlines for Tomilsson. Definitely going to do my outline for my Lucking essay tomorrow. It will be exciting.

Tomorrow's sched:

Wake up early to lounge about and watch TV
Quidditch at two-four
Outline (must be done by eight)
Eight PM - LEGEND OF THE SEEKER! It will be boss. Zedd becomes a young man *GASP* I bet he won't get as many ladies as he does now. Seriously, in both the book and TV show, Zedd has a chica for EVERY place they go. It's hilarious. All of the older guys get the chicks -- Nathan in one of the later books has an amazingly sweet and romantic relationship with a woman he saves, and the love scene between them was so beautiful. It made my stomach swirl, and after as many sex scenes as I've read (hey, fanfiction is FULL of them, lol), that doesn't happen often, only for the well-written ones.

I love well-written sex scenes. I know that sounds weird, but I've read a few really good ones, and they're amazing. I hope to someday have that skill in my artillery (is that even the right word?). I've written a couple, but they've either been not very descriptive or between two first-timers or between a virginal girl and an experienced guy. I need to write the other way around because I was watching Ugly Betty last night and just the way the guy who plays Matt had his face at the time, he was so sweet and sensitive and caring that he didn't have that "edge" that more "experienced" guys tend to have on their face (not that I'd know, for real). It was really sweet.

But yeah... should find some dinner to eat before I have to leave at 6:40... but something light because I just had a snack.

Wow a second post in one day! Amazing!

This rarely happens now... haha.

So, I'm feeling pretty accomplished. I finished the CSS for Cornell and Vassar, and now I just need to school-specific stuff, and I think they'll tell me when I need to turn in stuff. I know I need to make copies of my parents' 2008 tax returns and stuff, but we need more ink for me to do that. Note to self: tell 'rents to get ink for the printer.

I'm also doing some laundry and feeling accomplished in that area, too. I need to not let it get so bad. Maybe I should do a weekly laundry load and get into a routine for when I go off to college and need to do all of my own laundry. Routines are good, yes? Yes.

And I got my paycheck but the bank is only open until one. Fail. So I need to wait until Monday to do it. Oh, and I need to do my homework. I think I'm just going to do my Tomilsson outlines today because those are due on Monday, but if I have time tomorrow, I'm going to do my outline for Lucking for my essay on A Tale of Two Cities WHICH I FINISHED ON TIME. Who owns? I OWN. Yes.

It was actually really good. REALLY SAD. Carton <33333333 How awesome is he? Come on.

But yeah, so I'm going to do my outlines once I finish this post and then get ready for the LDS nativity tonight. I need to be at the church at 6:50 because it starts at 7pm but we're the last ones performing. I'm a little nervous. Chamber choir isn't ready because everyone seems to be just so lazy. Our vowels aren't great, and we're not as musical as we should be. Oh well. It will still be boss.

But yeah, I'm feeling pretty good. I haven't eaten anything more, and I'm going to have some water while I do my homework AND I'm not going to eat a ton of cookies once I make them. I'm putting 12 away immediately once they're doing because I have four teachers to give to and three for each should be sufficient, I think, along with my nice thank-you cards.

Oh, and my AP Euro history class is going to get together to have a totally boss study session on Monday. I am excited. I'm debating whether or not I'm going to go to Quidditch on Sunday because I want to stay home, but I guess I could just get up earlier and lounge around for a longer time. That could work. I do like playing Quidditch. Oh, speaking of which, must take asthma medicine right now *goes to do that*

*is back*

Oh, and I've discovered that braiding my hair into two braids on the side is really cute. I'm going to do it more often because it's doing my hair without having to wash it everyday or put a ton of product in it. Except I have to wash my hair tonight for thing, even if I don't do it before because I have to put gel in my hair. But I'm going to do it before, too, because I want to curl it. I should go do that right now so it has time to dry... but homework... hrm. I shall do one outline now, go do my hair, and then do another after! Ha, plans rock.

Day nineteen

1 tall non-fat vanilla steamer
1 plain bagel
1 bagel with Nutella

Hrm, I haven't been doing too well lately. It's a bit annoying. But alas.

So, I'm doing my financial aid stuff, as well as doing laundry and playing Super Mario, lol. It will be boss. LDS nativity is tonight, too, so I need to practice a little for that.

I haven't been posting much lately, and it sucks, but my life is craaaazy. Dislike.

Day eighteen

1 grande Vanilla Creme - 340
1 bagel - 250
1 chicken burger
Eight apple slices
1 chocolate milk
2 tall Vanilla cremes - 500?

And dinner is yet to come, but I'm not feeling too hungry from all of those vanilla cremes. Those are SO my new addiction. But I need to remember to order them with low-cal/low-fat vanilla and skim milk next time to cut down on the calories. But they're so delicious! And I stopped by Starbucks to see Steve after work and he gave me one for free :D I like free stuff. And Steve rocks.

So it's been a good day, and work didn't even seem that long. It was good. Now, I am off to do outlines for AP Euro and plan my essay for Lucking. *dreamy sigh* I love Lucking :D

Day Seventeen

1 bagel
1 chicken burger
1 chocolate milk
6 apple slices
2 packets of Instant Oatmeal with brown sugar and maple
1 Chicken Top Ramen
1 big glass of milk
1 cheese
1/2 of a triangle cheese
Some crackers
Five tiny Christmas tree sugar cookies

Also, I need to write thank-you notes and bake some cookies for the teachers that wrote my letters of recommendation for college. They probably got me accepted with their awesomeness.

Still quite stressed out, but I have gotten some of the things on my lists done. There's a lot more still to do, though. Sigh.

More of the list of CrapIgottado

1. Get new contacts/make eye appointment
2. Dentist appointment
3. Get online banking stuff set up
4. Debit card thingy

Also, my food for today

1 bagel
1 green tea
1 chicken burger
1 chocolate milk
1 applesauce
3 90-calorie Chewy bars
1 Smart One mac 'n' cheese
1 Smart One dessert

So I don't know how I did, I estimated (while I was putting books away) that it was around 1500/1600 but I'm probably off, but that's not counting exercise today. Ughy, I have such a headache, and I'm just feeling like blah. And overwhelmed.

Quick List of CrapIgottado

1. Make copy of "The Black Swan" for Spencer.
4. Do laundry.
5. Clean room
7. Study for history
8. Clean out car
9. Rehearse for choir
10. Rehearse for solo/ensemble
11. Exercise
12. Take asthma medicine
13. Sit somewhere and be silent
14. Find iPod
15. Financial aid
16. Scholarships
17. Buy stuff for choir baskets
18. Think of presents
19. Get the mail
20. Find shoes for jazz dress that make my legs look longer (though that's not really possible because they're just so darn short)
21. Punch something. (Stress relief.)
22. Do homework
23. Cry a bit (stress relief)

Rantrant, &c.

So, Chase and Morgan and I have planned a LOTR fest at Morgan's house during Christmas break, and I'm DYING for it. Why? Because I actually like those two guys. They're funny, and they respect me, and let's face it, one of them is SUPER HOT (I think you know which one it is, lol). They're fun to be around, and they're silly and dramatic, but they're easy to be with. And we're going to watch LORD OF THE RINGS. Come on. Just sitting around with them will be soooo good for me because there's no drama, there's nothing except awesome.

It sounds stupid, I know, but I can imagine that kind of day being so relaxing for me. Chase and I have been friends since forever, and Morgan is so awesome and he and I are friends and he and Chase are friends. We are all rather similar, too. Well, I am kind of worried that I'll be a bit of a third wheel because I'll be the only girl and Chase and Morgan are something of a couple (for those of you not paying attention, I'm kidding).

... wow, random thought: I need to write a letter to the editor explaining that I was kidding when I wrote my SATIRICAL letter to the editor that drama club was silly... and I need to email Megan Travis with my speech for the MLK assembly. UGH. Note to self: do those tomorrow!

Ugh, I don't even remember what I was trying to say now. I need a hug.

Rantrantrantrantrant

So...

College: I'm freaking out because I want to send off all of my forms and such RIGHT NOW. I want it to be done, but apparently Tilton (my counselor) didn't fill out the Secondary School Report thing that I needed him to for Cornell and Vassar. So I have to wait to have that done. And then there's financial aid stuff. I need to do that for Cornell and Vassar. Cornell's due date is January 5th, and time is flying. And then I'm worrying that I won't get in. Cornell is my #1, but Cornell's Ivy League. Not until recently did I even honestly consider Ivy League a possibility for me, and I still think it's a bit out of my reach. And Vassar's... COME ON. Hardly anyone's good enough to get into Vassar, much less me! I mean, sure, I'm good, but I highly doubt I'm Vassar-good. I wish I could go there. I mean, come on, that's like my Mecca. But... and Cornell's so far above me, if it had shoes, I'd need a Hubble telescope to see its shoes!

And I'm worried that all of my forms won't get done on time, like my teacher recommendations for Vassar. Petroske has finished hers, I believe, but I don't think G-Ham has. And I don't know if I should remind him or what... you know, sometimes, I think he doesn't like me or something. I don't know what it is, but it makes me sad because I <3 him so much. He's so cool. Le sigh.

The Rest of My Life:

Work stresses me out. It shouldn't, but I wish I could get paid for not having to work at all. It's just one more thing I need to do when I could be at home lounging around. I don't know how I'm going to survive having to work everyday. I wish I could find something that I want to do that would be intellectually stimulating, difficult, but exciting. Nothing tame and lame.

I want to be a primary player in the world. I don't want to just sit back and watch everyone else play the game, I want to be the one directing where everything is going. I want to have power and influence and the ability to make things go my way so I could do some good. I think I could do a lot and be very important and do a lot of important things, given half the chance.

Then there's just... ugh, everything else! There's so much I need to do for choir and so much rehearsing I need to do for solo/ensemble that I feel like I'm never going to get everything done and there aren't enough hours in the day to do everything that I need to do and still relax. I mostly just put things off because I don't want to face it. Which explains why I'm blogging like an emo, angsty teenage girl instead of buckling down and finishing A Tale of Two Cities, which is actually starting to get good. x_x

And I have pimples on my chin. I think they're being caused by stress, but I don't know, but HEY! Random fact of the day.

And I'm trying to do this whole weight-loss-taking-better-care-of-myself but I just can't do it! I have so much to think about and so much to freak out about and so much to worry about that what I eat and what I wear and how well I brush my teeth are all the absolute last things on my mind! I just want to get enough sleep, but that's a fairy tale right there to rival the Grimm Brothers' work. I just feel like my life and all of the crap I have to do is starting to envelope me and there's no way out. I just want to have some fun without worrying or anything. I just want to have one good conversation with someone I like and trust where I can just talk. I don't feel like I've connected with any of my friends this year, I've been so wrapped up in myself. Which I don't really know if I don't like because I'm wrapped up in myself because I'm trying to get things done, which is good.

And I don't even know if I care enough to listen! Yeah, how's that for altruism? It's like, yeah, I'd like for someone to just sit there and listen and make me feel better, but I'd have to listen back, and I don't want to do that. I don't like showing any kind of emotion other than excitement and upbeatness. Those emotions are safe. They keep me safe, and I don't have to risk anything, emotionally. But they're also what I do feel. I just... I don't even know.

I want to just lie around someday with some friends where there's no drama, only fun and laughter and chill-factor, talking deeply about a movie or a book or something, where I don't have to worry about my future and whether or not I'll be everything I want to be and when I won't have to think about losing my friends or going away from my parents on my own for the first time, where I won't have to freak out about how I'm going to absolutely ruin my life in college because everything of mine will get stolen and I'll get mugged and I'll fail all of my classes.

I feel really overwhelmed right now, and I don't know how to ease it. And there's just so much I need to do and so much MORE that I should do on top of that. I just remembered that I need to go get some stuff for our choir gift baskets x_x When am I going to do that?! I work tomorrow, Thursday, and Friday, and then Saturday, we're doing the LDS nativity thing. I guess I could do it that morning, but excuse me for wanting to stay home in my PJs, and I could do it Sunday, but I'm pretty sure there's going to be something I need to do then, and then NEXT WEEK is Dramafest, so I'm booked Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday (M, W, S - work, T, F, S - dramafest). And then there's homework on top of that. And I'm trying to not fall behind and not procrastinate, and I'm really trying to prepare myself for the AP tests at the end of the year. Which I feel like I'm not going to do as well on the AP Euro test. I just can't remember everything, and I feel like I haven't really learned anything when I have, but I just fail, I think.

Right now, I'm really living on a day-to-day basis. I just can't take anymore. But even then, I'm not really just living like that because I'm freaking out about everything in the future, but I can't seem to remember anything that's more than a day ahead of me. This year is flying by, and I'm not sure I'm going to get everything done. I've kind of convinced myself I'm going to go to the UW because Cornell and Vassar are both too good for me, which really sucks because I don't REALLY want to go to the UW.

I have no idea what I'm going to do, and nothing really helps me chill. Honestly. I don't know how to relax. Writing doesn't really help because I really detach myself. Singing doesn't because that just hurts my voice when I do it too much. Reading doesn't because reading kind of loses its pleasure when I have to read for school, though I do still like it. I could exercise, but I'm way too lazy... I just...

I don't know how I'm going to deal with this year. I think I'm going to have a mental breakdown. Oh, if only I could have the good kind of mental breakdown where I just lose my appetite so I could lose weight AND cope with my stress! [/morbid humor... laugh, people]

Of Food and Grand Duchesses

2 small bowls of Potpourri (I want to say 400 calories, maybe 500)
2 cups of strawberries (1oo)
2 cups of grapes [fruit salad] (124)
2 cups of whipped cream (308)

So that's 932 more calories, making a total of 1970 (if my memory of my last post is right because I'm too lazy to check back, lol)

So... I went a bit crazy with the whipped cream, but it was soooooo good! XD And I tried to moderate what I was eating, but I'm sitting in front of the TV. That's so bad. I need to stop doing that, but hey, 1970 calories is less than I used to be eating, I'm sure. I just feel bad because Olivia's doing better than me, LOL.

This whole weight loss thing is really hard for me, and I'm honestly not used to things being hard for me. That sounds really conceited, but school's just easy for me. It doesn't require a lot of effort because school is all of the things that just make sense to my brain. I'm lucky like that. So I'm not quite sure what to think when something's actually really hard for me. Of course, I'm going to keep fighting and try to be the best at this too (yay competitiveness!), but it's a bit of a blow to the ego.

And it's just, at night, it's hard for me to not eat so much. I'm really good during the day and at school. But then I get home and just... ugh. I'm trying to do better, though.

Hrm, should go do my homework. I need to read two letters - one from Galileo to Grand Duchess Christina (I'm thinking about styling myself as a Grand Duchess... what do you think? :P) - and answer some questions about it. And I already listened to these clips for jazz choir and decided which ones were good and which ones were bad (the bad ones were awfully obvious, lol). I also need to practice for my voice lessons and for choir. The last 20% of one song, I just don't know and I need to learn it. And there was another song I need to learn... OH! It's the duet Natalie and I are doing for solo/ensemble. Yeah... I'm doing two solos and two duets and a piece with jazz choir (but it's not jazz, but we're just an ensemble). I'm singing Se Florinda e Fedele, The Black Swan, La Ci Darem La Mano, and... crap, can't remember the last one. It's in my backpack, though, lol. I'm going to do that right after I post this. Yay singing!

TWO WEEKS! :D

1 bagel (250?)
1 green tea
1 bottle of water
1 chicken burger (350)
1 applesauce (105)
1 chocolate milk (140)
Grapes (124)
Cheese (50)

So that's... *does math* 1039! That's pretty good! I have anywhere around 600-900 more calories I can eat before I've reached my... BMR/RMR... thing. Whatever. So that's good! I'm feeling pretty good.

I sang the national anthem today in front of my entire school at an assembly >.< scary as heck, lol. But yeah... that was pretty much my day. Oh, and I have to read these two letters for history and answer some questions about them. That won't take too long. I'll do it before my mom and I watch this Christmas Carol thing (I think) with Jennifer Love Hewitt.

O Garlic Bread, I love thee; let me count thy ways

Soooo... I just totally snacked on some delicious garlic bread and ate way too much. Ugh. Fail. I just don't understand why I feel the need to eat when I'm not hungry. Granted, I did pretty good today, but I still gained some weight by my calculation.

Well, it depends on who I believe. I've tried four different calculators for my BMR or RMR or whatever and one I got 16-something, another I got 1726, another I got 18-something, and another I got 1930. What do I believe? Do I go for the lowest or the highest? UGH. I don't know what to do! I don't know how much I should eat... granted, I'm probably always going to eat too much, but BLAH. Weight loss is hard. Doesn't mean I'm going to stop, but it's just hard.

Day Thirteen

1 hot chocolate (250... I didn't finish it all, so it's about 250, I reckon)
1 piece of banana bread (200)
1 bagel (270)
1 chocolate milk (140)
1 apple (50)
1 chicken burger (350)
1 piece of garlic bread (gonna say 150)
2 Weight Watchers things (280)
1 WW dessert (250)

So, that's 1940 calories. 200 more than I really needed, but then I was moving around and burning calories... so... I don't know. But it's better than it's been this past weekend, lol. See? Optimism.

Oh, and so I wrote this letter to the editor a couple weeks ago because there had been a staff editorial making fun of Quidditch, so I was satirical and made fun of drama club. Apparently a lot of people thought I was serious, so I need to write another letter to the editor explaining satire. Er... telling them I was joking. Silly people.

And I'm singing at the Foodball (I'm assuming) assembly tomorrow. Nervous about that. Don't want to screw up. Must practice.

Edit: I lied! There's only 200 calories in the WW dessert! So that's only 1890 calories. WIN.

Fooood

Lotsa cough drops
1 butter croissant (250?)
1 Petit Vanilla Scone (100?)

Siiiiiiick.

Also have been writing a story on facebook called "Her Royal Highness". Has been taking up much time. Ariana likes that, haha. :D Still. Siiiiick.

Day Twelve

UGH. I'm sick. It's all up in my head and my chest and my throat, and I have to go to work today. 1-5. It's going to be difficult, dealing with this and and doing all of the moving and lifting and existing that I have to do at work. Ugh. I don't really want to go, but I don't have any sick leave, and I'm already going to be missing a day (unpaid leave) because of Dramafest, so... I just feel like crap.

But I've eaten...

1 bowl of Top Ramen (with less than 1/4 of the seasoning)
Lots and lots of cough drops
1 bagel with 100 calories of butter (350 cal.)

Leftovers!

Oooookay, lol, I so overdid it, and I'm starting to regret it a bit. I'm trying to not feel too bad because it IS the holidays and hardly anyone (except teh creepeh people) eats healthily, but I'm only one small person and I don't need that much, but gaaaawd do I want it.

... sexual innuendo, much? *headdesk*

I'm going to try and be better, though! You know, incorporate the leftovers, but try and keep my meals healthy. At least I have work tomorrow, so that's about four hours I won't be spending snacking on my mom's delicious stuffing (which is the best thing I've ever eaten in my whole life).

Eh... I don't really want to go to work tomorrow... lol.

So, day eleven... bad, lol.

Day Eleven

Okay, today is going to be difficult, too. We have a second Thanksgiving today with my grandma and my uncles, aunts, and cousins. Must prepare self.

However, here is my breakfast:

Turkey and egg omelette - 300
Lite yogurt - 80
Apple - 80
Crystal Lite - 10

470 calories so far. That leaves me 1300 for dinner. I can do this. I hope. Lol

THANKSGIVING -- Day ten

So, I'm not even going to try to gauge my calories today... it's going to be bad, lol. I'm just going to try and make sure it's not disastrous. I don't feel that bad, though, lol. IT'S THANKSGIVING!

So, I want to list some things/people I'm thankful for:

- Chase Adams: we've been best friends for over a decade, and there's no one else I like spending time with more. I don't feel like I have to be anything except myself around him. And he's smart, so I don't feel like I'm deigning to be around him. We just like the same things, and we're creepily similar without being the same person. I just love the guy so much, and I can't imagine what my life would look like without him. When we're together, we feed off of each other's energy, and we become totally awesome people. WE DRESSED UP LIKE HOGWARTS STUDENTS, for heaven's sake! Who does that except us? And at school, too! Agh, we're so cool. I just love being around him. I never feel like I'm hogging the attention or being shoved into the shadows. It's a great friendship.

- Brienna Emmerich: we've been friends since I was in sixth grade, and she was there for me through the darkest times in my life. She makes me laugh, she totally understands me, and she's as zany and totally weird as I am. And she's this amazingly amazing photographer, and when I see her photos, I'm blown away by how awesome they are. Personally, her Fairy Tale series is my favorite.

- Annie Nelson: come on, it's Annie Nelson. She's so fricken awesome. And she sent me a message of weight loss tips and made the effort to reach out to me and help me when she's the one with cancer. How many people are so awesome? Yeah. I didn't think so. And she's so crazy smart. I love it when there are other smart girls around.

- All of my friends: there are way too many people in this category to talk about individually. But I hope it suffices that I love you all, that I'm thankful that I know you all, that you are all incredibly awesome people, and that we are all going to be such a force in history once we hit adulthood and we have influence and money and power.

- My family. Need more be said?

- My teachers. Honest to God, I love to learn. And my teachers are so intense. They are passionate about what they do, and they want us to learn. And from my teachers, I've learned so much, especially from Jackson, Clifford, Tomlisson, and Lucking, but also Goldhammer, Petroske, Breitbach... gosh, I've had so many wonderful teachers. They've all challenged me to be the best that I can be. I wouldn't be the person that I am today without these amazing individuals.

- My laptop. I love this thing more than I love most people. :)

- OLIVIA. We're losing weight together. We're awesome. WHAT MORE NEED I SAY?! :D

Happy thanksgiving, and eat delicious food without guilt! We have much to eat, therefore we must eat it! :D

The rest of the food//ending thoughts

1 amazingly delicious sandwich -- probably 600/700 calories
1 Luna bar - 180 calories
Crystal Lite - 10 calories
2 Chewy bars - 180 calories

So, all in all, it all evens out, I think. I think I lost weight today because with all of that, I think I just exceeded my BMR by 100-200 calories, so with all of the calories I burnt today with school and walking and driving and doing my job, I think I might have lost around 300-400 (maybe even 500) calories. Sweet.

So, day nine: good.

AHH Must document this!

So, I just had the most boss idea. So, there are a lot of Mary Sue fanfictions out in the LOTR fandom, right? And most of them always "find solace in the woods" which is cheesy. BUT Henry David Thoreau found solace in the woods because of his Walden Pond thing. SO Thoreau gets plopped into Middle Earth, lol. I think he'd like being with the elves. He and Legolas would get along well because they're both all about the peace of the woods and simply being.

Ha, I should write that someday.

Ways I Am Awesome

Here's my daily dose of giving-myself-positive-thoughts:

- I'm starring in a play for Dramafest that I wrote
- I was asked to speak at the MLK assembly
- I have a job, and I make hecka lot of money. And it's MY money.
- I got amazingly high scores on the SAT and Subject tests.
- I actually love writing essays and analyzing literature.
- I have an obsession with the beauty of the human body.
- I know all of the words to all of the songs in A Very Potter Musical
- I'm always on facebook
- I take literature very seriously
- I LIKE to read deep, insightful novels (e.g. AP literature)
- History is both cool and fun to me.
- I love singing classical music more than I love pop music.
- I drink a lot of tea. And Crystal Lite, now.
- I have integrity.
- I have morals.
- I have high standards for myself.
- I love laughing.
- I love being up in front of people, and it's no sweat to me.
- I wrote an amazing speech for the MLK assembly.
- I'm very mature.
- I'm me. Isn't that enough? :P

So yeah. Just some positivity to get me through the rest of the day.

Hrm, must go find something to eat soon. I have about 900 more calories I can eat today, so I'm thinking: Luna bar and then get pizza delivered (we just cleaned almost all of our dishes, lol) which I estimate to be about... 800 calories? Because I want a personal pizza, not a whole thing) and drink lots and lots of Crystal Lite, which translates to about 15 calories. And then I have work where I'm on my feet the entire time, walking and stretching up and bending down and pushing a heavy cart, so that's calories burnt, so I should be able to eat a snack once I'm home at 9pm and call it a good day.

This whole losing weight thing is really hard, and just because I'm pretty positive right now doesn't mean that won't change in, oh, ten minutes? Lol. But yeah.

OH! And Blake Parker and I are going to go see The Blind Side together on Sunday and grab dinner and be sexy and awesome together! I LOVE being sexy and awesome with Blake Parker! :D

Day Nine - Food

1 apple - 80
1 Luna bar - 180
1 Crystal Lite - 10
1 Bacon & Eggs thing - 300
1 apple - 80
1 Chewy bar - 90
1 cheese - 50

(edit: I also ate a 74-calorie roll, so that would be 864, not 790)

790 calories so far. I feel like I've forgotten some. Oh well. This is a rough estimate of what I've eaten so far. Therefore, I can have just under 1000 calories for the rest of the day because of my BMR, but I can probably have more because I've burnt calories going to school, driving, etc. So I'm shooting for about 1000 more calories today because I think we're going to have Subway, and I'm going to have a totally delicious turkey sandwich with lots of veggies.

I also have about forty-and-some dollars to spend because of the money I didn't put into my checking account at the bank. I need to decide what to spend it on. I need to buy Chase a gift (I only ever buy him a gift; I like him the best, LOL), but other than that, it's myyyy money, hehe. And I'm also going to get paid again soon.

Speaking of which, lol, ugh, I have to work tonight. BUT that is burning calories, and we like that. And it's only three hours. I'm trying to look on the bright side of life (do-doo-do-doo-do-do-do-doo!) hehe. And people mostly leave me alone, and I've figured out that I like my job a whole lot better when I don't just do entire sections. I like it better if I grab some adult fiction, some biographies, some teen fiction, and some non-fiction instead of just doing ALL of the non-fiction I can fit onto the cart. If you're reading this and free tonight, you should come visit me -- I work at the Snoqualmie Library, up on the ridge. Woo! Money! <3

Thinspirations

Food

Dinner - mashed potatoes with cream of chicken soup and sliced chicken on top (400?)
One roll (74)
5 calories of Crystal Lite

AGGGGGGH. I want another roll! I LOVE ROLLS so much. You have no idea. And these seem to be especially delicious! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I want to be skinny but I don't want to be hungry... these stupid decisions I have to make. I need to find time to exercise. *headdesk* I'm discouraged.

More food

2 rolls - 148
1 Lite yogurt - 80
Crystal Lite - 5

232 more calories. I've eaten 1100 already (I think), so that's 1332 calories. I burn 1726 for my base metabolic rate, so I can eat dinner without going much over. BUT today I've burnt a lot of calories because we were dancing in drama (cha-cha slide anyone?) and I walked around the mall for a while and I've done other stuff.

496 - six hours of sleeping today
496 - school
63 - showering
260 - mall walking
157 - driving
70 - shopping

That's 1542 calories burnt. So, if I eat 468 calories for dinner (I'll probably go over, let's be honest), I will have burnt 358 today. Hrm, that doesn't seem like a lot, though. Oh well! It's still weight loss. Ugh, hard facts are difficult to deal with because I want to believe I'm doing more than I am. *sigh* Now I'm sad! :( When I think, bad things happen, see?! lol.

Food So Far -- Day Eight

1 yogurt
1 cheese
1 apple
1 Luna bar
1 90-calorie Chewy bar
Beef jerky (probably 250 calories)
1 Subway sandwich with turkey, lettuce, tomatoes, and cucumbers (300)
1 apple
10 calories of Crystal Lite

So, I FINALLY GOT MY PAYCHECK TODAY! WOO! First paycheck! So, I have some money to spend and some money in the bank. And now I opened a checking account so I'll have a debit card which I will not use frequently. Because I need to be responsible with my money. I'm saving a lot of money for college; I'll need it, lol.

Oh, and (not to brag, except very much to brag) I GOT MY SAT SUBJECT TEST SCORES BACK! I took Literature and US History, and I got a 790 on literature and 760 on history. WHOOT! Christina, ftw.

I feel so awesome right now. And I'm doing pretty well, food wise. And I walked at the mall, taking no short-cuts, so I walked for about forty minutes. Also, I'm going to be cleaning the house and doing laundry and stuff, so that's calories I'm going to be burning there. Right now, CAUTIOUSLY optimistic, but I don't expect it to last. <-- Would that be considered optimism, even? Or pessimism? Lol, I can't tell.

Day Seven -Failure!

Ugh, I don't think I'm meant to be skinny sometimes. This is just really, really hard, harder than (I guess) I thought it would be. And sometimes, it's like, what's the point? I don't have the commitment to do this, I'm not committed enough to work out a lot and severely cut down what I'm eating. And I know I'm not going to lose a lot of weight, and I'm not going to lose quickly, so what's the point of trying? It's not like I have anyone to impress. It's not like I'm going to be anything anyway, so I don't need to look good for it.

It's just hard, you know? I see all of these girls around me who are just naturally skinny or have been skinny all of their lives, and it's hard because I'm not like that. I got myself into this situation, and it doesn't even matter what propelled my eating when I was a kid because now I'm screwed and I have to find a way to get myself out of this hole, but I don't even know if I want to or if I REALLY want to enough to try.

And part of me's pissed that I'm not good at this, that THIS doesn't come easy to me naturally. A lot of other things seem to, and I just don't think I'm used to working hard for anything. I feel like a failure, to be honest, just because I ate more than I should have. How pathetic is that? And Lauren, my friend (Annie, too), is giving me all of these tips and suggestions, and it's like, I don't want to do that. I'm too lazy. I'd rather just be on the couch all afternoon and evening.

But with an attitude like that, of course this weight is never going to go away. But come on! I have at least fifty pounds to lose. I don't think I've ever consciously lost a pound in my life. And it's really hard because my family has really bad eating habits, too, and no one in my family (except me, and I'm QUITE sporadic in my very gentle exercise) exercises, so I have no example, and I have no one to work out with anyway. And none of my family is really on board with this, so I'm really going it alone, even though Olivia's losing weight with me. She doesn't live with me (because I'm pretty sure it's Steve who lives under my bed).

I just don't know how to live healthily and eat right. I have just really bad habits, and those seventeen years of bad habits is against little ol' me and my will. I don't think my will is strong enough to beat those seventeen years. But it's like, this is not what I want to look like for the rest of my life. I don't want to be a size 16 for the rest of my life. That's not healthy for my height.

But I just don't know what to do. I'm completely self-motivated here, and if I don't want to work out or be active, then I'm not going to do it, if I can't convince myself. I'm just really kinda weak and pathetic.

I just don't know if I want to lose this weight enough. I felt like I was starting my life over even just a few hours ago, and now I've lost that feeling. I just hate how I look. I don't look good. And I don't love myself or the way I look. And I DO want to lose weight. I want to look better. But... I just don't know how to.

And I know, I know, excuses, excuses, but they're all I got. At least I HAVE a brain, and I'm not just getting through life with a smokin' hot body. Granted, though, I'd really like one of those.

AND UGH. Thanksgiving is going to kill me.

Why am I even bothering? *headdesk*

Dinner

2 bowls of mashed potatoes
(the second bowl had eight pieces of boneless, skinless chicken in it)

UGH. I feel like crap. I did horribly today. I just keep eating.

Pessimism

UGH. So... I was all excited. But then I realized I was eating way more calories than I thought I was with these little snacks throughout the day. Granted, I don't have any real idea how many calories I'm burning, I think I burn 1800 just because of my body digesting and breathing and stuff, so I haven't lost any weight unless I do exercise. UGH. Now I'm all frustrated and angry. Why can't I just eat less? I mean, I know that if I go all the way down to 1200 calories, my body will go into starvation mode and won't lose weight because it'll think I'm starving, but UGH.

I just thought I was doing better than I am. And I just got myself with all of these raised hopes, and I should be more realistic, and it's GOING to be a lot of hard work, but still... Maybe I'm being ridiculous, but it's a little saddening. Never mind, I burn 1726 calories without doing anything on top of it. THAT'S EVEN WORSE. I hate being short...

WAIT. WAIT. I'm computing my calories burnt. This might make me feel better.

284 - watching 3 hrs of TV (that's not counting my irregular exercise during)
181 - walking forty minutes (I'm counting the hour of standing in choir as part of that walking)
284 - 3 hrs of watching teachers (that's like TV)

749 calories burnt approx. If I've eaten 1800 today but burnt 749, that means I'm keeping 1151 calories. But I burn 1726 calories just living, so that means I have 500 and some change that I've burnt in total. That's really good. So if I eat dinner and watch some more TV and exercise and run up and down the stairs a couple times, I'll probably have burnt 400 calories. UGH. Not good enough! I want to lose more weight!! Nowwwww [/whine]

I can't believe I'm getting so discouraged, but I am. :( I don't even need encouragement right now, I just need to be better at this weight loss stuff. I just fail badly sometimes.

Not to mention that I forgot a Luna bar that I ate, I think. UGH. *headdesk*

MOTIVATIOOOOOOON

1. When I've lost weight, I can wear shorter skirts without being so ashamed.
2. When I've lost weight, I can wear whatever shirt I want
3. When I've lost weight, I can wear a smaller size.
4. I will be able to feel more able to dance around and be in theater productions without feeling so self-conscious.
5. I'll be able to shop and be happy with the way I look.
6. I'll be happy with the way I look on the outside.
7. I'll be able to wear skinny jeans.
8. My legs will be leaner.
9. My face will be thinner.
10. My bust will be more obvious with a thinner stomach.
11. My body will better fit my petite frame.
12. Those little suit-ish jackets will fit my new slender frame.
13. Boys will be able to give me piggy back rides, and I won't be worried about whether I'll break them.
14. My future boyfriend will be able to carry me in his arms, bridal-style, and swing me around.
15. Shorts will fit my legs and won't make my thighs look like sausages.
16. I won't have a severe case of muffin-top.
17. When I jump up and down, not as much will jiggle.
18. I'LL BE ABLE TO WEAR A BIKINI.
19. I won't be ashamed to go to the beach/go swimming.
20. I'll get admiring looks from guys.
21. I'll feel more like the leading lady in my own life, as opposed to the best-friend.
22. Dancing will be more fun for me, less of a chance to embarrass myself.
23. Tight clothes will look better on me.
24. I'll have more of a defined hourglass shape.
25. My prom dress will look GORGEOUS on me.
26. I'll look like a million bucks!

And all I have to do for ALL of that is to cut down on what I eat and eat healthier things! I CAN DO THIS. I AM POWERFUL. WOOOOO!

Dessert... or all of that?

Fourteen rolls... or all of that?

Yessssss.

More Tyra Health Stuff

DON'T go hungry during the day before a party/big dinner. A snack or low-fat cheese beforehand.
Wear something fitted, be aware of your body to make sure you don't eat too much
Drink water before you start eating
Before going shopping all day, eat a protein-packed meal (scrambled eggs, etc)
Leftovers: veggies for eggs in morning (anything in eggs, turkey even!)

Other stuff at tyrashow.com! :D

Tyra's Healthier Choices

Watching Tyra, jotting down things she says:

It's hard to be healthy because it's colder, so many parties, gotta eat.
Hard to make good choices during holidays.

MAIN DISHES:

Turkey with skin
Roast beef
Honey baked ham

Best out of these: Roast beef

Normal ham and roast beef are okay
Turkey WITHOUT skin is the best

SIDES:

Skip creamy mashed potatoes (headdesk)

Carrot souffle
Green bean casserole
Candied sweet potatoes

Best: Green bean casserole

My suggestion: maybe don't eat the onions, scrap them off
1 cup for g.b.c. - 250
Others 1 cup - 400

HOT DRINKS:

Apple cider
Hot chocolate
Egg nog

Best: Apple cider

Small HC w/ fat free milk = apple cider

DESSERT:

Pecan pie
Lemon meringue pie
Pumpkin pie

Best: pumpkin pie

Lowest in calories. Pecan pie 90% calories from fat

CANDY:

Candy cane
Gingerbread man
Fruitcake

Best: candy cane

---

I feel really happy that I was watching Tyra right at the moment this came on! I'm so glad I saved this, too, instead of just watching it -- Olivia, you may thank me with Galactic credits or baked goods. Wait... those aren't too healthy. Just bow obsequiously whenever you see me. That'll work :P

As I'm eating...

1 apple

I found a song that is TOTALLY inspirational! It's called Find Your Grail from Spamalot! And here's a video of it being performed at the Tony Awards:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3yRlnSgu-bY

It's so awesome! :D

Yet another snack

(My formatting for this post got all messed up because of the pictures... oh well. It's all there, lol)

Man, I'm just starving today for whatever reason. Maybe because I've been having rather tiny "meals". Well, whatever, as long as it's healthy, it's better than digging the junk food. I wonder what we're having for dinner... we should have steak again. That was amazing last night, I'm not even kidding, it was probably the greatest steak I've ever consumed, and I love steak. <3 1 raspberry yogurt Some grapes 9 crackers (that's about 120 calories, yess) 1 triangle of Laughing Cow Garlic and Herb spreadable cheese <3 I'm feeling pretty optimistic. The amazingly amazing Annie Nelson sent me some weight loss tips, and just getting that PM on facebook totally made my day. She's so awesome... to live up to her level of awesomeness is unattainable, but to hope to be just 1% like her is... well, SOMEWHAT within my range of capability. :D OH!!! I almost forgot. I'm gonna post some pictures on my "thinspirations". 1. Bridget Regan (Kahlan, Legend of the Seeker) 2. Kelly Clarkson 3. Michelle Obama 4. The girl from Cascada

What I like about all of these women is that they're not uber skinny little models. I will NEVER look like a supermodel, and I'm okay with that! I don't want to look like that. I have an hourglass figure... or at least I will, once all of this stuff comes off. And so do these women. Bridget Regan is sooooooososooo beautiful! If I could look like anyone, I'd want to look like her. AND this picture has her by the incomparably sexy CRAIG HORNER. He is a fabulous actor, and he's really handsome. I <3 him. And then there's Kelly Clarkson. I've always loved her, and I love how she's not uber skinny either! I love her figure. And then there's Michelle Obama. Come on, the EPITOME of an hourglass. And the girl from Cascada is the same way. I hope to someday have a figure that will rival these amazingly beautiful women's! Looking at them, now, doesn't really depress me and make me feel that this is impossible. Looking at them, I realize that I CAN look like them. It'll just take work. Work is hard sometimes, but it's worth it.

Lol, I just looked at the clock and it says 2:45. We have half-days for school, and it kills me because I'm usually at home, sitting on the computer, snacking, like I am right now at around 4:00-4:30. This is quite nice! CHRISTINA LIKES THIS. *thumbs up*

DAAAAY SEVEN! (one week.)

Yeeeeah, it's been one week, and my dedication to this cause is totally tight. I'm feeling pretty good, but I also just had a totally boss voice lesson, and my voice doesn't fail! THIS IS GOOD! But I also took an AP Euro History test... and I kinda sucked, lol. But it all balances out in my favor, as I'm doing quite well with the food thing! YESSS. Epic win.

What I've eaten so far:

1 cherry yogurt
1 raspberry yogurt
2 Babybel cheese rounds
2 "Caramel Nut Brownie" Luna bars
1 Rice Krispy treat (Arianne made them for Munchie Monday in Tomilsson's class)
1 8 oz. glass of orange juice

(This is breakfast plus the lunch/snack I'm eating right now. I think it's more of a snack, really. So I'll probably have another one of the same size a bit later. My tummy's rumblin', though; must go eat!)

Snackz

So, my dad and I watched The Legend of the Seeker (our FAVORITE TV show; it's brill) and I had a bit of a snack:

1 cherry yogurt
1 Babybel cheese round
1 roll

Overall, however, I think I did very well today! I am pleased, and Day Six is a success. And tomorrow, I'll be at school for a while, so I can't snack/eat there. :D

Dinner!!

I had:

1 pretty large steak
1 scoop of Chicken and Herb Rice-a-Roni
1 salad-plateful of mixed vegetables
1 roll
1 large glass of fat-free milk

WIN!

And my dad bought a ton more yogurt so I can have one for a dessert a bit later, maybe right before bed so I quiet all of my late-night cravings. But I am full, but I don't think I ate too much. The steak was delicioussssss. I love food! I'm cautiously optimistic for today. Hrm, this episode of Without a Trace is inspiring me to write cute family fics :) Perhaps I shall!

... should really work on my Avatar Zutara fic. Except I've never HAD a baby so this whole Katara-having-a-baby deal is sooo not working out. I have no idea how to write it. Should ask Carmela. She'll know what to do. Yaaaaay betas!

Almost Dinner Time

So, tonight we're having steak and rice and veggies. I'm going to keep my portions of rice down, but steak is protein and that's very good for one's body, and the veggies are going to be a big part of my meal. I just love steak, and it's good for you, so I'm not going to limit that as much as I limited by lasagna last night. Oh, and I'm only going to have one or two rolls, without butter. I'm also going to have a tall glass of milk (fat-free, of course, I only like the taste of it).

I think I'm going to do really well today. Hopefully it will be a success?

Also, note to self: call Snoqualmie Library tomorrow, ask Sadie what happened to my paycheck, lol.

I'm Weak :(

I caved and had...

1 Luna "Caramel Nut Brownie" bar
3 Safeway chocolate chip cookies

Because I'm weak and they're delicious and I'm on my period. It's understandable. Hormone imbalances and all cause cravings.

Unfair Double Standards

You know what really bothers me about commercials? All of the ones having to do with grocery shopping or cleaning or health have women in them. Do men not clean or do grocery shopping? It just bothers me because it's like women's work to do those things, and that women NEED to do the whole health thing and get skinnier and stuff.

And also, I hate how the soccer player from New Mexico, the girl who played really rough, is getting all of this targeting. I think it's an unfair double standard. Men play rough all of the time. It's not right if you're a man or a woman, but men play rough all of the time. It's an expected part of the game. And if anyone is especially rough, they're just red-carded or suspended and no one hears about it. But a girl does it, and she gets targeted, and all of this criticism gets heaped onto her. What's with that?

But yeah, I needed to get that out. Thanks for listening :D

Exercise, pt. 2

So... this whole exercising thing is depressing me a bit. I did one minute of pretending to be jumping rope and then one minute of jumping jacks, and I was out of breath. I'm so out of shape that it's borderline pathetic. I'm loath to admit it, but I'm a bit out into the abyss of being pathetic. [/emo]

(You see how much of an emotional rollercoaster this is going to be for me. One second, I'm on cloud nine because I feel like I can do this, the next I'm disheartened. Ugh.)

I'm trying to do some easier ones (ones that don't trigger my asthma), and it's sort of helping my mood, I guess. I think I have a complex where I have to do everything really well all of the time. It just bugs me when I don't do well at everything. It's not a really obsessive thing, where I lose sleep over the fact I didn't get the best score on a test, but it does bother me that exercising is hard for me. I'm just taking BABY STEPS, and even those baby steps are hard for me. It's depressing.

So far, I've done jumping jacks, pretending like I'm jumping rope, some stretches, clenching my tummy and butt. I really hope all of this emotional crap pays off, though I have my suspicions that it's hormonal because I'm on my period. That, however, doesn't mean I don't feel those emotions any less because they're caused by hormonal imbalances due to my period, but just... ugh.

Also, I'm hoping I can keep up this exercise and do it at least semi-regularly. Maybe every day? Every other day? Any time I remember about it? One can only hope.

Exercise

Here is a list of the exercise I'm going to try to do. It's nothing much, but it's something I can do during commercials when I'm watching TV, and it's not a lot at once so my asthma won't kick in painfully. Baby steps! <3 Doing this exercise makes me feel good because I know I'm making progress, more progress than I have in a while. I feel like I can do this. It's going to take a long time, but I didn't get myself to be this way in a short amount of time, so it's going to take a while. I know this, and while I wish the weight would go away right now, it won't. So it's going to take work. But nothing of worth ever came without work, otherwise it would be cheapened. I know I'm going to appreciate my body more when I realize I've worked for it and I've taken care of it, and not just because it's skinny and looking more like I want it to look.

Also, I'm still feeling full/satisfied. Every time I walk out into the kitchen, I make sure to much on some grapes because fruit is good and tasty and doesn't have many calories and it's healthy. YAY HEALTH!

What is Beauty?

I've wondered what the answer to this question is. Because obviously there's outer beauty, the stuff that's on the outside, but then there's inner beauty, one's personality and character. But are they really separate things? Can't someone who's physically beautiful suddenly appear ugly in one's eyes if they turn out to be a complete jerk? And can't someone who seemed really hot turn ugly if they turn out to be a smoker?

I know I'm a good person with a good personality, but I don't consider myself to be that physically appealing. I don't think I'm plain, per se, I just don't think that all of my features together = hot/pretty/cute/sexhaaay. But does that negate the beauty of my inner self?

*headdesk* Woaaaaah, clichés abound! Dislike.

It's an interesting question, though. What is beauty? What is physical attractiveness? What exactly makes a person attractive? Aren't there things about one person that make them appealing, but then if someone else were the same, it would not be so attractive? Isn't beauty just a subjective thing that varies from person to person? There are different kinds of beauty. I think that some men are definitely beautiful, where there are men who are attractive in a raw, stereotypically manly sense. That doesn't mean either are more attractive to me; they're just different. Then there are men who are hot as heck in suits, and then there are men who are doable in just jeans and a t-shirt. Is it just confidence that makes someone appealing? I don't think so, but there's something to be said about confidence. A man who strides into the room as though he owns it but is too modest to say that he does is incredibly sexy. A woman who does the same is a formidable person, one who should not be taken lightly.

I want to be beautiful. I also want to feel that I'm beautiful. I want to be noticed by guys and by guys who aren't afraid to show their regard. I would like that, even now. I don't want to just be someone who blends into the background in guys' minds, who's just the friend. That kind of attention, the kind that comes when someone is attracted to you, is flattering, even if I don't return the feelings. It'd be nice to have that because I've never really known what it's like. As far as I know, no one's ever really liked me that way.

I just want to get some proof that I'm not just a meaningless blob of lard who no one will ever find attractive. It seems like something that's intrinsic to high school life, guys and girls liking each other, dating, and all that. And I feel like I'm missing out on something really fun and really important. Besides, how weird would it be to have a first date in college? One just doesn't really have a first date in college, does one? Hrmph, like I'd know.

I'm really excited for college, but I'm really that a) I won't get in, and b) that I won't fit in when I get there. I really want to go to Cornell, but I don't really feel like an Ivy Leaguer or someone who'd go to Vassar. I feel really ordinary, even if I sometimes have moments where I think I could be a lot and that I AM a lot more than I give myself credit for. Again, I don't know.

Hrm, I should probably study. I have a history test tomorrow, and I want to do really well. I got the highest score in both classes last time, so I want to continue doing well. I REALLY want a good score on the AP test at the end of the year. I feel pretty confident for the lit one, but not so much the history one. This course is being taught differently, and while I'm certainly knowing quite a bit, I don't feel as confident. Oh well. I'm sure I'll be fine.

Hopefully.

*gulp*

Anyway. As for food, I'm feeling pretty full right now. I don't think I'll need anything until dinner time, but we'll see how I hold up. Right now, I want tea so I can start my studying, and I'm armed with my best friend (not Chase, my history textbook) and my notes from this section. YAAAAAY STUDYING! :DDD

Fooooooood

What I've eaten:

A ham bagel sandwich (plain, white bagel) with less than an entire triangle of garlic and herb Laughing Cow cheese spread on the bagel
Lots of carrots
A sprig of grapes

My thoughts:

I probably don't need this, but I tried to make it healthier, and I'm eating the carrots and grapes first so (hopefully) I won't eat the entire sandwich, even though I probably will. But it's not junk food, and it's not cookies, so I'm considering this a minor victory for "healthy lifestyle habits."

Ughhhh...

I'm on my period, so I feel like crap. Well, not entirely, but I just feel gross. It's not good. But so far, I'm not craving anything. It's just driving me mad that we have cookies in our pantry and they're chocolate chip and they're delicious and I want them. So maybe I am craving something. But it's not too bad. I ate a really good breakfast and I got a lot of good sleep last night, so the day's feeling pretty good so far.

All in all, I'm feeling pretty positive, too. I'm noticing mental differences, due to the healthy foods I've been eating, and it hasn't even been a week. I feel lighter and more able to get up and do things, even if I just want to stay on the couch and relax because my stupid uterus is bleeding and cramping. *sigh* It's just annoying. But yeah, I am actually feeling positive, despite the tone of this post.

I'm also watching Mythbusters. Christina likes this.

Getting a normal amount of sleep is also helping me relax. I've been really stressed out (I'm still a bit stressed out -- I have to do financial aid stuff for college) but it's getting a bit easier to bear.

I just don't like, however, that I'm always thinking about food now, but I think that'll go away as eating better and less becomes more of a habit. Now, I have to think about it consciously and make sure to eat small amounts, but it'll go away in time, hopefully. I don't want to stress about every little bite I eat, but right now, I think I do need to stress (even if I don't like it) because this stress will make sure I don't screw up.

It's just a bit... disheartening, how long this road is going to be. But then again, I didn't gain this much weight overnight, so I'm not going to lose it overnight. But it's going to be worth it. Being at a healthy weight and having healthy habits will be so worth it, and I'm young, so losing this weight is going to be comparatively easy, when compared to losing it when I'm thirty or forty. I want to reinvent myself, and losing this weight, however, is only one part of that.

I need to work on being less stressed and being just a better person. That idea, however, isn't really good for my ego because I think I'm a pretty good person right now. I just need to work on saying more nice things and not thinking so many mean things about people in general. It's just not nice, and I wouldn't want someone thinking those thoughts about me, either. I also need to work on NOT PROCRASTINATING. I promised myself I wouldn't procrastinate EVER and now I find myself doing it! >.< It's bad.

Speaking of which, I shall now go finish my CI homework. It's only doing some basic math and making a pie chart and then finding the definition and importance of around ten terms. It shall be most easy.

Day Six - Breakfast

What I'm eating:

1 cheese Babybel round
1 raspberry yogurt
1 strawberry yogurt
1 "Nutz Over Chocolate" Luna bar
1 apple

Very healthy, very good. I'm optimistic today but worried that I'll mess up. We'll see, though. :D

Food Journaling

What I've eaten:

One large glass of milk
One buttermilk roll
One small portion of lasagna
One good-sized amount of asparagus
More grapes
A cherry yogurt (dessert)

My thoughts:

I'm so proud of myself right now. I ate so much less than I normally do at dinner, and I had lots of good stuff. I sat at the table (not in front of the TV) and ate my dinner and enjoyed it. And because of the asparagus and grapes, I feel much fuller without feeling sick. Now, I just have to make sure that, if I want to snack after dinner, I eat a Luna bar or grapes or some cheese.

But I'm going to declare Day Five a SUCCESS.

I'm rather happy right now. I ate to enjoy food and to give myself energy and ward off hunger, but I didn't really overindulge. I kept my portions of not-entirely healthy stuff down while still having enough to enjoy and to feed myself and I made sure I ate a lot of good stuff in abundance. I can do this!

Dinner Time

Dinner. We're having lasagna and rolls. I am going to eat fruit and veggies beforehand to try and fill myself up a bit. I'm also not going to be watching TV as I eat. I'm not going to have more than two rolls, both without butter. I'm going to enjoy my food but not overindulge because I don't need all of that energy.

We'll see.

Food Update

I've eaten:

1 300-calorie eggs and bacon and hashbrown thing
Some grapes
Yet another mug of raspberry and white tea

Cravings

Okay, so... we have these bacon-and-scrambled eggs things in our freezer... and I really want one. Badly. But I don't need it, and I know that. Well, I'm a little hungry, but I could fix that by eating grapes or an apple or even a Luna bar. AGH. Decisions. Because I really, really want those eggs and that bacon. And the entire thing is only 300 calories, which isn't that much (even though I'm not really focusing on calories, more on the health of the thing), and eating one wouldn't kill me or break my day. So, on this craving, I am going to give myself permission to eat it, and I am going to enjoy it fully. However, I'm not going to have a second one. If I still want to munch on something, I'm going to grab grapes or something like that. Yay decisions!

More Food Journaling

What I've eaten:

Another cup of raspberry and white tea
1 "Caramel Nut Brownie" Luna bar
Another Babel cheese round
Some grapes

My thoughts:

I'm cautiously optimistic. I've done pretty well thus far, but the day's hardly half over, and I have dinner ahead of me. I'm going to try really hard to be good. I'm thinking about capping it at one medium-sized slice of lasagna and two rolls without butter. My dad's also going to make asparagus, so I'm going to eat a crapload of that, too. I'm also going to eat a bit later, because while I don't need all of those calories right before I go to sleep, night-time is my weakness time. If I'm even the slightest bit not-full, I'll eat, and I shouldn't do that.

But I'm optimistic. Actually keeping track of what I'm eating is helping, and I'm loving this blog. I'm going to try really hard to post at least once every day, hopefully more. And everyone's support and tips and comments so far have really helped; it's nice to know that people are listening and caring about what's going on in my life. I'm just really glad that I'm not hiding this this time. I've tried to lose weight several times, but I always hid it, ashamed of my weight and my need to change. I think this might be the time I drop some weight. Even twenty pounds before the end of the school year would be a dream come true, though I think I'll probably lose more if I keep on this and don't falter.