2 bagels - 600
150 calories of soup - 150
Chocolate milk - 370
Red Vines - 200
Nilla Wafers - 300
... I'm such a bad person... ugh. I've been eating like shit because I've been going out with friends and just hanging out and seeing Shakespeare (which has been awesome) but eating like hell, and I feel so gross and disgusting, and even though Blake's mom asked if I'd lost weight, I feel like I haven't. I feel like I've GAINED weight. I feel awful. I look awful. And even though I KNOW it's nonsense, I feel like I'm awful because of it.
I just... I feel ugly. And gross. And disgusting. Like no one would ever want to touch me. v_v And I don't know how to make myself feel better.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Day 16
I failed yesterday. I had hella a lot of Red Vines x_x
Today:
Exercise: 28:57 min, 5.5 incline, 3.1mph, 234 calories burnt.
Seeing Othello tonight :D
Much Ado was amazing. Tim Gouran came over and said hi and hugged me before it started, the entire thing was AMAZING -- when Claudio prostrated himself on his face before Hero, my heart sang, and when HE sang at Hero's tomb, I fell in love -- and then we all went around to the actors, getting pictures and giving them Red Vines. They were so excited about the Red Vines, lol.
Today:
Exercise: 28:57 min, 5.5 incline, 3.1mph, 234 calories burnt.
Seeing Othello tonight :D
Much Ado was amazing. Tim Gouran came over and said hi and hugged me before it started, the entire thing was AMAZING -- when Claudio prostrated himself on his face before Hero, my heart sang, and when HE sang at Hero's tomb, I fell in love -- and then we all went around to the actors, getting pictures and giving them Red Vines. They were so excited about the Red Vines, lol.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Day 15
Oatmeal - 500
Exercise:
602 calories burnt, 74:29 min, 5.5 incline, 3.1 mph
Shakespeare tonight. I hope my day gets better.
Exercise:
602 calories burnt, 74:29 min, 5.5 incline, 3.1 mph
Shakespeare tonight. I hope my day gets better.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
I feel fat and disgusting right now. And what's worse is that I'm super hungry because my family went and bought fast food for dinner, and we don't keep food in the house, so I have nothing to eat. I sometimes really hate my family.
Just because none of them want to be healthy doesn't mean I should be doomed like the rest of them. I've tried really hard to lose weight these past two weeks, and it's only through MY prompting that food's been bought and kept in the house. But then I forget to ask for more food, and we never go to the store to buy food that will last us for more than a day, so... what am I supposed to do?
And talking to them won't help, and I know that for a fact. I have talked to them before, and it has not worked, and it has not stuck. So I am in this alone, and it's hard. I just want to eat and eat and eat to make myself feel better or less empty or less alone or just because I'm bored and I want to have something to eat, and there's no one to help me do it. And it makes me feel like they don't care about my health or my happiness or what I want. And it's like they're eager to forget about me because it's so close to the time when they can forget about me because I'll be away at school.
And it's just... we're a mess. Our house is a mess all of the time so I can never have friends over and I feel ashamed if someone comes to the door that can see inside. I try to clean, but it's good for a day, and then no one cares enough to do anything else. And I am NOT the only one home all day! My brother and mom never leave.
I feel like I'm not prepared to take care of myself out in the real world because no one ever really taught me how to clean my shit up. And it's like no one ever cared to teach me how or to teach me that it's really, really important.
I just feel like my parents don't care about me right now and that they're excited for me to leave. But I just want to be five years old again so I can cry to my mommy, but instead, I'm in my blazingly hot room crying alone. And I'm hungry. So that's not helping. I just want to leave, but I don't want to go.
Just because none of them want to be healthy doesn't mean I should be doomed like the rest of them. I've tried really hard to lose weight these past two weeks, and it's only through MY prompting that food's been bought and kept in the house. But then I forget to ask for more food, and we never go to the store to buy food that will last us for more than a day, so... what am I supposed to do?
And talking to them won't help, and I know that for a fact. I have talked to them before, and it has not worked, and it has not stuck. So I am in this alone, and it's hard. I just want to eat and eat and eat to make myself feel better or less empty or less alone or just because I'm bored and I want to have something to eat, and there's no one to help me do it. And it makes me feel like they don't care about my health or my happiness or what I want. And it's like they're eager to forget about me because it's so close to the time when they can forget about me because I'll be away at school.
And it's just... we're a mess. Our house is a mess all of the time so I can never have friends over and I feel ashamed if someone comes to the door that can see inside. I try to clean, but it's good for a day, and then no one cares enough to do anything else. And I am NOT the only one home all day! My brother and mom never leave.
I feel like I'm not prepared to take care of myself out in the real world because no one ever really taught me how to clean my shit up. And it's like no one ever cared to teach me how or to teach me that it's really, really important.
I just feel like my parents don't care about me right now and that they're excited for me to leave. But I just want to be five years old again so I can cry to my mommy, but instead, I'm in my blazingly hot room crying alone. And I'm hungry. So that's not helping. I just want to leave, but I don't want to go.
Bagel - 300
Red Vines - 600
So 1200 calories today, approx. We have no food in the house. I hate my family sometimes because we don't keep food in the house, and even then, it's never going to be anything healthy. It's like they don't even think about me when they buy food, which is so frustrating considering that I STILL LIVE HERE, and I'm trying to not destroy my body with food. God, it makes me want to just stop eating because there will never be anything around the house that I can eat without feeling guilty about it.
Red Vines - 600
So 1200 calories today, approx. We have no food in the house. I hate my family sometimes because we don't keep food in the house, and even then, it's never going to be anything healthy. It's like they don't even think about me when they buy food, which is so frustrating considering that I STILL LIVE HERE, and I'm trying to not destroy my body with food. God, it makes me want to just stop eating because there will never be anything around the house that I can eat without feeling guilty about it.
Day 14
Two weeks!
Breakfast:
Red Vines - 300
(we have literally nothing in the house)
Exercise:
607 calories burnt, 75 min, 5.5 incline, 3.1 mph
I'm gonna go get a bagel from Huxdotter's after my shower :)
Today's gonna be a nice day, but tomorrow, I'm gonna see Shakespeare and hang out with my friends again, yay!
Breakfast:
Red Vines - 300
(we have literally nothing in the house)
Exercise:
607 calories burnt, 75 min, 5.5 incline, 3.1 mph
I'm gonna go get a bagel from Huxdotter's after my shower :)
Today's gonna be a nice day, but tomorrow, I'm gonna see Shakespeare and hang out with my friends again, yay!
Day 13
So today was my day off from my diet, and I was pretty bad, lol. I didn't have anything else today other than a bad-for-you smoothie, too many cookies, some Mtn Dew, and Red Vines, lol. But I did run around a bit with my friends, so that was some exercise.
Tomorrow I'm going to try to make myself do at least a little bit of focused exercise. I just need to get up earlier and beat the heat.
But today... was good. Got my first kiss :D And then I kissed my two gay friends and two girls, lol. It was fun. And I'm not going to label myself or feel badly about what I did. It was fun. I liked it. ^_^
Tomorrow I'm going to try to make myself do at least a little bit of focused exercise. I just need to get up earlier and beat the heat.
But today... was good. Got my first kiss :D And then I kissed my two gay friends and two girls, lol. It was fun. And I'm not going to label myself or feel badly about what I did. It was fun. I liked it. ^_^
Monday, July 26, 2010
Day 12
I told myself I wasn't going to try and estimate all of my calories because it's bad, but... *sigh*
630 +
Lasanga - 400
Cookies - 700
So yeah, we end up at around 1730, but it's probably more but whatever.
I feel like a failure today. I woke UP feeling sad and down, and my day didn't get that much better. I feel pathetic and like a loser. I haven't done anything for the past week or so. I haven't even left the house. Except I don't have any money to spend, and anywhere I would go would require spending money or eating food, and I don't want to do either.
I wish I could just stop eating and lose weight that way. Yeah, yeah, it's not healthy and whatever, but I just feel like crap. I mean, I guess I'm starting to look different, but... I feel like a loser. Like, once I get to college, I'll suddenly change and no one will want to be my friend. Like everyone will think I'm an absolute loser for loving Jon/Stephen and AVPM/AVPS and fanfiction and crazy things that I do love.
And it's not like...
I don't know. I just feel like I'm not good enough.
630 +
Lasanga - 400
Cookies - 700
So yeah, we end up at around 1730, but it's probably more but whatever.
I feel like a failure today. I woke UP feeling sad and down, and my day didn't get that much better. I feel pathetic and like a loser. I haven't done anything for the past week or so. I haven't even left the house. Except I don't have any money to spend, and anywhere I would go would require spending money or eating food, and I don't want to do either.
I wish I could just stop eating and lose weight that way. Yeah, yeah, it's not healthy and whatever, but I just feel like crap. I mean, I guess I'm starting to look different, but... I feel like a loser. Like, once I get to college, I'll suddenly change and no one will want to be my friend. Like everyone will think I'm an absolute loser for loving Jon/Stephen and AVPM/AVPS and fanfiction and crazy things that I do love.
And it's not like...
I don't know. I just feel like I'm not good enough.
Day 12
Bread - 500
630. And then I'm probably going to have around eight hundred more calories for dinner -- it's lasagna :D
However, I can't have ANY MORE BREAD. I was just really, really hungry because we don't have any good-for-you food around the house right now, but now I'm sated and so when dinner's ready, I don't need any bread.
630. And then I'm probably going to have around eight hundred more calories for dinner -- it's lasagna :D
However, I can't have ANY MORE BREAD. I was just really, really hungry because we don't have any good-for-you food around the house right now, but now I'm sated and so when dinner's ready, I don't need any bread.
Day 12
I woke up today and felt depressed. It hasn't really gone away yet. I just... part of it is I really don't want to go to college.
But anyway.
Breakfast:
1/2 of a 100-calorie bun thing - 50
A cup of milk - 80
130.
Exercise:
701 calories burnt, 5.5 incline, 3.1 mph, 86 minutes, 36 seconds.
But anyway.
Breakfast:
1/2 of a 100-calorie bun thing - 50
A cup of milk - 80
130.
Exercise:
701 calories burnt, 5.5 incline, 3.1 mph, 86 minutes, 36 seconds.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Day 11
So I had two tunafish sandwiches:
Bread - 200
Tunafish - 400?
Pudding - 60
Couple of pieces of bread - 200
860 + 510 = 1370 but it's probably more. I was a bad kid today. But at least I didn't go buy and binge on Red Vines, even though I REALLY WANT TO >_>
Bread - 200
Tunafish - 400?
Pudding - 60
Couple of pieces of bread - 200
860 + 510 = 1370 but it's probably more. I was a bad kid today. But at least I didn't go buy and binge on Red Vines, even though I REALLY WANT TO >_>
Day 11
I had another 2 pieces of toast - 220
So that brings me to 445 calories for the day.
And I just finished my exercise - 75 min, 3.1/2 mph, 5.5 incline, 610 calories burnt.
It's super hot, so I decided to just do a little bit, not my normal 100 minutes.
And I had another jell-o thing and a pudding, so that's... 65 more calories.
So 510 is my total thus far today. And we're having tunafish sandwiches tonight, so that's going to be a TON of calories. But you know what, I put on a pair of shorts and one of my WSU t-shirts, one that is fitted for women, though, not a unisex one, and I actually looked pretty good. So there's hope yet!
So that brings me to 445 calories for the day.
And I just finished my exercise - 75 min, 3.1/2 mph, 5.5 incline, 610 calories burnt.
It's super hot, so I decided to just do a little bit, not my normal 100 minutes.
And I had another jell-o thing and a pudding, so that's... 65 more calories.
So 510 is my total thus far today. And we're having tunafish sandwiches tonight, so that's going to be a TON of calories. But you know what, I put on a pair of shorts and one of my WSU t-shirts, one that is fitted for women, though, not a unisex one, and I actually looked pretty good. So there's hope yet!
Day 11
Man, I'm so tempted to just skive off exercising today (I got up late AND it's super hot) and go buy Red Vines.
Red Vines. What the hell can't they do?
But I'm not going to. And it sucks. And I'm feeling miserable and off today, but I did meet a new friend on Omegle. His name's Ben, and he's quite nice. Omegle is my new favorite thing. I start almost every conversation with: Underneath these stairs I hear the sneers and feel the glares of my cousin, my uncle, and my aunt. I can't believe how cruel they are, and it stings my lightning scar to know they'll never ever give me what I want. ^^
All in the hopes that I'll find another StarKid fan, but I haven't found one yet. Most people disconnect me, or I disconnect myself when it's obvious they don't get it. Le sigh. But it's still funny. I can't help but feel like an idiot, and it's so stupid because they don't know who I am and they'll never know who I am. Lol, I'm such a weirdo.
But anyway:
Breakfast:
2 pieces of dry toast - 220
Some sort of jell-o like thing - 5
Red Vines. What the hell can't they do?
But I'm not going to. And it sucks. And I'm feeling miserable and off today, but I did meet a new friend on Omegle. His name's Ben, and he's quite nice. Omegle is my new favorite thing. I start almost every conversation with: Underneath these stairs I hear the sneers and feel the glares of my cousin, my uncle, and my aunt. I can't believe how cruel they are, and it stings my lightning scar to know they'll never ever give me what I want. ^^
All in the hopes that I'll find another StarKid fan, but I haven't found one yet. Most people disconnect me, or I disconnect myself when it's obvious they don't get it. Le sigh. But it's still funny. I can't help but feel like an idiot, and it's so stupid because they don't know who I am and they'll never know who I am. Lol, I'm such a weirdo.
But anyway:
Breakfast:
2 pieces of dry toast - 220
Some sort of jell-o like thing - 5
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Day 10
Buns + chips = 370
Hot dog - 150
Burger - 200
350 + 370 = 720 (geez >_>)
Then add that to 705, and you get 1425. Which is actually way better than I thought it would be. I think I'm going to have another burger in an hour, just to make sure I don't get hungry tonight. And I want another one, and I have enough calories left for the day to permit it. If I have another burger, it will be 310 calories, which will take my total to:
1735!
Which is still insanely good. So if I do end up having another one, it's okay. I'm going to drink a lot of water between now and then, though.
1735 is the final count for today! :)
Actually, it's probably more like 1800 because the hot dog had more calories than I thought. And I snuck in some chips.
Hot dog - 150
Burger - 200
350 + 370 = 720 (geez >_>)
Then add that to 705, and you get 1425. Which is actually way better than I thought it would be. I think I'm going to have another burger in an hour, just to make sure I don't get hungry tonight. And I want another one, and I have enough calories left for the day to permit it. If I have another burger, it will be 310 calories, which will take my total to:
1735!
Which is still insanely good. So if I do end up having another one, it's okay. I'm going to drink a lot of water between now and then, though.
1735 is the final count for today! :)
Actually, it's probably more like 1800 because the hot dog had more calories than I thought. And I snuck in some chips.
Day 10
Exercise:
100 min, 5.5 incline, 3.1 mph, 808 calories burnt.
I hurt my blister :(
Now, to eat! Eggbeater eggs and Spam, I believe, yum!
Eggbeater eggs - 215 cal
Spam - 300 cal
515 cal + 190 =
705 calories so far.
100 min, 5.5 incline, 3.1 mph, 808 calories burnt.
I hurt my blister :(
Now, to eat! Eggbeater eggs and Spam, I believe, yum!
Eggbeater eggs - 215 cal
Spam - 300 cal
515 cal + 190 =
705 calories so far.
Day 10
Breakfast:
2 Eggo Waffles (there's not much around the house right now, lol) - 190
Water
And then I'm gonna exercise. It's gonna be boss. I'm going to watch A Very Potter Sequel again to help pass the time, and I'm starting from the beginning (since I finished it last night) because the beginning has WAY more songs. There's "It's Not Over Yet" and "Harry Freakin' Potter" right at the beginning, so yay!
2 Eggo Waffles (there's not much around the house right now, lol) - 190
Water
And then I'm gonna exercise. It's gonna be boss. I'm going to watch A Very Potter Sequel again to help pass the time, and I'm starting from the beginning (since I finished it last night) because the beginning has WAY more songs. There's "It's Not Over Yet" and "Harry Freakin' Potter" right at the beginning, so yay!
Friday, July 23, 2010
Day 9
With dinner (wheaties cereal), I have eaten 1180 calories so far.
I think I'm going to have something more, maybe more cereal (probably not, though), if I feel like I need it. Probably should. I can't decide what it would be, though. We don't have much food around the house. I could have a sandwich because that would only be about 210 calories for an entire sandwich, and I'm drinking water, and I'd eat it really slowly, too.
And if I had a sandwich, it would bring me to 1390 calories for the day. Yeah, I think I'll do that in about half an hour, after I have some more water.
Final count: 1390
Pretty good day.
I think I'm going to have something more, maybe more cereal (probably not, though), if I feel like I need it. Probably should. I can't decide what it would be, though. We don't have much food around the house. I could have a sandwich because that would only be about 210 calories for an entire sandwich, and I'm drinking water, and I'd eat it really slowly, too.
And if I had a sandwich, it would bring me to 1390 calories for the day. Yeah, I think I'll do that in about half an hour, after I have some more water.
Final count: 1390
Pretty good day.
Day 9
I've had 830 calories so far.
^ Just needed to do the math for my own peace of mind when I had dinner. I don't even know what we are, in fact, having. I'm pulling for Subway. A 12-inch would be 600 calories, and that would leave me at 1430 calories, which is insanely few, and that's good. It's not a dangerously low amount (I read that I needed to stay above 1200 calories for it to still be healthy), but it's low enough that I definitely burned a lot of calories today.
Overall, today has been a very good health day.
^ Just needed to do the math for my own peace of mind when I had dinner. I don't even know what we are, in fact, having. I'm pulling for Subway. A 12-inch would be 600 calories, and that would leave me at 1430 calories, which is insanely few, and that's good. It's not a dangerously low amount (I read that I needed to stay above 1200 calories for it to still be healthy), but it's low enough that I definitely burned a lot of calories today.
Overall, today has been a very good health day.
Day 9
Lunch:
Frozen yogurt - 100
4 pieces of dry toast - 280 (yay different bread!)
I kind of feel like crap right now. But it's not really physical. Ugh.
Frozen yogurt - 100
4 pieces of dry toast - 280 (yay different bread!)
I kind of feel like crap right now. But it's not really physical. Ugh.
Day 9
Breakfast:
Cereal + milk - 350 cal
Exercise:
630 cals burnt. Not as much as previous days, but I have a blister on my foot, and it's rather painful, so I didn't go quite as hard. I feel like a wussy because I didn't go as hard, though.
Snack:
Yogurt - 100 cal
Overall: 450 cals
Cereal + milk - 350 cal
Exercise:
630 cals burnt. Not as much as previous days, but I have a blister on my foot, and it's rather painful, so I didn't go quite as hard. I feel like a wussy because I didn't go as hard, though.
Snack:
Yogurt - 100 cal
Overall: 450 cals
Day 8
AVPS!!!!111one!
Anyway...
I probably had about 1500-1600 calories during the rest of the day. I forgot to journal exactly how much I ate of everything else, but it couldn't have been more than that. I was still careful, even though I'd had so little already.
Anyway...
I probably had about 1500-1600 calories during the rest of the day. I forgot to journal exactly how much I ate of everything else, but it couldn't have been more than that. I was still careful, even though I'd had so little already.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Day 8
240 +
Lunch/Snack:
2 pieces of dry toast - 160
2 Eggo Waffles - 190
Some whole grain cereal bits - 150
240 + 500 = 740
I feel like I forgot something... dunno. I also need to go grab my water.
Lunch/Snack:
2 pieces of dry toast - 160
2 Eggo Waffles - 190
Some whole grain cereal bits - 150
240 + 500 = 740
I feel like I forgot something... dunno. I also need to go grab my water.
Day 8
Breakfast:
2 pieces of dry toast - 160
1 cup of milk - 80
Exercise:
100 min., 3.1/2 mph, 5.5 incline - 810 calories (might be off, but it's what my treadmill tells me)
I'm... I don't know. It's not really my eating or exercise that has me all... messed up, I guess? I don't know. I'm confused about a lot of things, and then it's those things that pretty much define my life and how I look at a lot of things. I just don't know what to think. It's... confusing, to say the least.
On a positive note, A Very Potter Sequel is being uploaded tonight. I'm probably going to watch it around 1am, after everyone has downloaded them and whatnot. But it'll be fun.
So, calories so far: 240
And my mom's making dinner -- curry chicken salad, I hear -- so hopefully, I won't go overboard. Granted, I haven't eaten very much at all today, mostly because I haven't been awake long enough to eat, but still. I should eat something to keep my metabolism up...
2 pieces of dry toast - 160
1 cup of milk - 80
Exercise:
100 min., 3.1/2 mph, 5.5 incline - 810 calories (might be off, but it's what my treadmill tells me)
I'm... I don't know. It's not really my eating or exercise that has me all... messed up, I guess? I don't know. I'm confused about a lot of things, and then it's those things that pretty much define my life and how I look at a lot of things. I just don't know what to think. It's... confusing, to say the least.
On a positive note, A Very Potter Sequel is being uploaded tonight. I'm probably going to watch it around 1am, after everyone has downloaded them and whatnot. But it'll be fun.
So, calories so far: 240
And my mom's making dinner -- curry chicken salad, I hear -- so hopefully, I won't go overboard. Granted, I haven't eaten very much at all today, mostly because I haven't been awake long enough to eat, but still. I should eat something to keep my metabolism up...
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Day 7
Dinner:
2 SmartOnes - 490
That'll bring me up to 1480 calories. I may or may not have some toast or something.
Oh! I also had a cookie:
1580. I'm probably going to have another one, lol.
I had another one, so 1680. A hundred calories probably isn't a perfect estimate -- it's probably higher, but I figure I've had so little calories today that a little bit of fudging is okay because it's not so much as to make a HUGE difference.
And my mom told me I couldn't have a third one, and she's right, but it makes me want to throw a fit. >_>
2 SmartOnes - 490
That'll bring me up to 1480 calories. I may or may not have some toast or something.
Oh! I also had a cookie:
1580. I'm probably going to have another one, lol.
I had another one, so 1680. A hundred calories probably isn't a perfect estimate -- it's probably higher, but I figure I've had so little calories today that a little bit of fudging is okay because it's not so much as to make a HUGE difference.
And my mom told me I couldn't have a third one, and she's right, but it makes me want to throw a fit. >_>
Day 7
350 + my lunch:
1 SmartOnes - 290
2 pieces of dry toast - 160
450 + 350
800 calories. Wow, that's so few. I think I'm going to have two more pieces of toast because I need something to munch on, and I need to put some energy into my body. Yay for not feeling guilt for eating! :D
It's been a good day so far.
Had two more pieces of toast
960 calories have been consumed thus far. I now want a Subway sandwich for dinner because an entire one of those would be 600 calories, and that's only about 1600 calories. Om nom nom. I'll see if I can't convince my parents.
1 SmartOnes - 290
2 pieces of dry toast - 160
450 + 350
800 calories. Wow, that's so few. I think I'm going to have two more pieces of toast because I need something to munch on, and I need to put some energy into my body. Yay for not feeling guilt for eating! :D
It's been a good day so far.
Had two more pieces of toast
960 calories have been consumed thus far. I now want a Subway sandwich for dinner because an entire one of those would be 600 calories, and that's only about 1600 calories. Om nom nom. I'll see if I can't convince my parents.
Day 7
One whole week of this! WHOOT! :D
So, breakfast:
2 pieces of dry toast - 160
2 Eggo waffles - 190
350.
100 minutes of exercise - ??? calories burnt. I'm still thirty minutes from being done, at least, unless I continue on past my normal 100 minutes. I just took a break after walking 70 minutes straight, and now, it's taking a lot of self-control and motivation to actually get back to it. But today, I've been listening to music and reading a really great Draco/Ginny fic. Engrossing stuff.
After 100 minutes, I've burnt 705 calories. I walk at 3.0 mph at an incline of 5.0, but I've been bumping it up to 3.1 and 5.5, so that's really been making me burn more calories. Now, gotta take a shower and get some more water :)
So, breakfast:
2 pieces of dry toast - 160
2 Eggo waffles - 190
350.
100 minutes of exercise - ??? calories burnt. I'm still thirty minutes from being done, at least, unless I continue on past my normal 100 minutes. I just took a break after walking 70 minutes straight, and now, it's taking a lot of self-control and motivation to actually get back to it. But today, I've been listening to music and reading a really great Draco/Ginny fic. Engrossing stuff.
After 100 minutes, I've burnt 705 calories. I walk at 3.0 mph at an incline of 5.0, but I've been bumping it up to 3.1 and 5.5, so that's really been making me burn more calories. Now, gotta take a shower and get some more water :)
Day 6
For dinner, I ate a sandwich, which was probably... 480 calories.
So 1190 + 480 = 1670
HEY. That's good :)
I also just had two pieces of buttered bread.
1670 + 210 = 1880
Still good!
So 1190 + 480 = 1670
HEY. That's good :)
I also just had two pieces of buttered bread.
1670 + 210 = 1880
Still good!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Day 6
So I walked around town today with my friends for a couple hours, don't know how many calories I burnt, though.
However:
2 Mtn Dews - 340
Chips - 300
Chocolate - 200
840, which brings me to... + 350
1190. Not bad! And I still need to eat dinner, and I've burned a ton of calories today. Go me!
If there's anyone reading this, will you pray/think good thoughts/send positive energy to my friend Annie Nelson? Her cancer's back, in her lungs this time. Not that I'm particularly worried, considering she's ANNIE NELSON (and therefore, awesome and boss), but still. It'll make the cancer go away faster.
My idea is that she just needs to imagine that there are little Chuck Norrises in her bloodstream that are going to go kick the cancer's ass. It'll work, I think.
But yeah. I'm worried about her. I want her to be well.
However:
2 Mtn Dews - 340
Chips - 300
Chocolate - 200
840, which brings me to... + 350
1190. Not bad! And I still need to eat dinner, and I've burned a ton of calories today. Go me!
If there's anyone reading this, will you pray/think good thoughts/send positive energy to my friend Annie Nelson? Her cancer's back, in her lungs this time. Not that I'm particularly worried, considering she's ANNIE NELSON (and therefore, awesome and boss), but still. It'll make the cancer go away faster.
My idea is that she just needs to imagine that there are little Chuck Norrises in her bloodstream that are going to go kick the cancer's ass. It'll work, I think.
But yeah. I'm worried about her. I want her to be well.
Day 6
Breakfast:
2 pieces of dry toast - 160
2 Eggo Waffles - 190
350 cal.
Then 100 minutes of exercise - 610 cals burnt.
Good day so far. Technically, though, I'm only 76 minutes into my work out (gonna hit a hundred today as well), but I thought I should write this down before I forget to do it. Ew, I'm so sweaty... but it does feel good.
Gonna hang out with friends at the river today. I'm only going to have one can of Mtn Dew and a handful of chips, if anyone brings them. I don't have money, so I can't, unfortunately. But it's going to be fun. Just gotta get done with this workout first.
24 minutes to go! :D
2 pieces of dry toast - 160
2 Eggo Waffles - 190
350 cal.
Then 100 minutes of exercise - 610 cals burnt.
Good day so far. Technically, though, I'm only 76 minutes into my work out (gonna hit a hundred today as well), but I thought I should write this down before I forget to do it. Ew, I'm so sweaty... but it does feel good.
Gonna hang out with friends at the river today. I'm only going to have one can of Mtn Dew and a handful of chips, if anyone brings them. I don't have money, so I can't, unfortunately. But it's going to be fun. Just gotta get done with this workout first.
24 minutes to go! :D
An open letter to every woman in the world:
This is Truth 101. See that fancy college numbering? OH YEAH THIS SHIT IS ON. [/vulgarity]
Now to be serious.
Admittedly, there are a lot of things in this world that piss me off. There are things that make my passion boil and that make me unable to be silent and make words flow out of me with astonishing ease. There are things that make me cry at night because the world is so damn unfair.
One of those things -- actually, chief among them -- is "beauty."
I am not unaware of the fact that the beauty standards of our society also affect men and that they do so with devastating effects. I know this. But right now, women and how our standards of beauty affect them is on my mind. I will leave men for, perhaps, another day. There are others who could speak on the topic with more authority than I.
But I can claim some expertise on this matter, as I am a woman and a feminist who studies this topic to some degree.
My name is Christina Marie Finley. I am eighteen years old and of Filipino descent. I am a size sixteen. I weighed 190 pounds at my last weigh-in at my doctor's. I am five foot, three inches. I have curly, frizzy brown hair and green eyes. I wear a 42D bra.
If you're reading this, your numbers may be different. Some of them may be similar or the same. You may be small in comparison to me, or you may be larger.
But numbers do not decide what is beautiful.
(Oh, and before you completely write me off, this isn't some inspirational note. This is reality.)
We are not the mere sum of our parts. We are not merely arms and legs and stomachs and livers and intestines and lungs, and to name something Beautiful for it being a lovely collection of parts is almost a shame of true beauty. There's nothing wrong with seeing someone you find attractive and thinking them attractive. That's natural. That's good. Hell, that's just good fun.
We are not the mere sum of our parts.
I'm not so naive as to think that one's physical form has no part in beauty. But it's not everything. And I've come to discover something, you know, over the last couple years of hating my body and hating myself and trying to change my body.
What I've discovered is that I would rather be me any day of the week than some airheaded little bint who barely knows how to even read (but doesn't know how to read... while having a great body that everyone wants to do).
That's a powerful statement, and it's a true one. As much as I wish I could change my body and am in the process of becoming healthier to do so, as my current weight puts me in danger of health problems, I would not change if that meant giving up who I am. Now, my body is part of who I am. It can be a sign of how much I care about myself, as if one loves oneself, one will care for oneself. It can be a sign of my passions -- if I am into sports, I will be muscular and slim. It is a wonderous machine with infinite capabilities.
But it would be nothing, merely an empty husk, without me.
Physical beauty has a part in beauty, but it's not everything. Not even close. I'd wager it's about 10% of the whole thing. A lousy ten percent.
But it seems like everything! Believe me, I know. That's what you're supposed to think. You're supposed to be duped into believing that the way you look is everything, that it doesn't really matter if you're a stupid, passionless little thing as long as you're hot. All of your sexuality and your beauty... it's all for the reaction from others. The reaction from men, if you're straight. But assuming your beauty and your sexuality is all for men, all for someone else's apprecation rather than your own pleasure, is doing yourself a disservice. You deserve better than being for someone else's entertainment.
Physical beauty isn't everything. It's only a small part.
Have you ever noticed how attractive people can become beyond ugly and unappealing once they open their mouths and you realize that they're as stupid as a cow? It's jarring, and you feel a bit sick for ever finding that person attractive.
That's evidence of how beauty is much more than what is on the outside. How we perceive the outside is often heavily influenced by the inside. That's evidence about how outer beauty isn't everything. If it can be morphed due to what is inside, I believe the case is made that what is on the inside matters more.
A trite statement, that. “What's on the inside matters.”
What truly matters, in life, in love, in friendships, is that which transcends the slow degeneration of time. What has infinite value and worth is that which has the power to affect, to change. The greatest minds, those who have ruled the world, either literally or metaphorically, those who have the power to etch out a new road for history – they did and will not become so by paltry good looks. It would be an asset, no doubt, but there are greater things in the world than that which incites lust.
Intelligence. Grace. Charm. Kindness. Respect. Empathy. Compassion. Altruism.
That is what matters. Those qualities, properly harnessed, could heal the world. Those qualities could bring about the healing of the poorest amongst us and those that suffer the greatest. Those qualities can and have and will change the world.
The women that were tortured in jail cells in the early twentieth-century may not have been “beautiful” then and may not be “beautiful” now, but they're the reason I can vote and own property in my name. They're the reason I have my own bank account and why I kept all of the money I earned. Had they been beautiful, their story would have still been the same because looks really had nothing to do with it. It was their insistence on the rightness of their cause, their passion, and their drive – those things won women the vote.
It wasn't beauty that made Elizabeth I of England one of the greatest monarchs of European history. It wasn't beauty that made Catherine the Great one of the greatest enlightened despots. It wasn't beauty that made Catherine de Medici the most powerful woman in France in the sixteenth-century. It was intelligence, love for their people, political guile, and the sheer force of will to dominate that made them so.
Physical beauty isn't the key. It isn't even a consideration when it comes to holding and wielding great power.
But what about everyday life? What about when it comes to love and relationships?
The only answer I have – indeed, the only one that rings true and holds no false emotion and no false comfort – is that you are beautiful.
You don't have to torture yourself to change. You don't have to fight against your base desires to eat and nourish your body. You don't have to want to die. You don't have to spend thousands of useless dollars on plastic surgery. You don't have to feed the beast of commercialism by buying diet programs and diet pills, the latter of which can be dangerous. You don't have to think you're less than someone else just because you see beauty in them easier than you see it in yourself. You don't have to think you're out of someone's league because you gauge your beauty as less than theirs. You don't have to agonize in front of the mirror for hours because, no matter from what angle you look, that “problem” area just won't seem smaller. You don't have to wish that your waist was smaller. You don't have to wish that your breasts were bigger. You don't have to wish that your butt was smaller or bigger or shapelier. You don't have to wish your hair was curlier or straighter. You don't have to spend hundreds of dollars on make-up to cake over what you deem is unsightly skin. You don't have to wear shorter skirts or buy taller heels because your legs will never look good or your butt will never look smaller. You don't have to wish your genetics were different so you'd have smaller feet or cuter feet. You don't have to buy into the lie that, somehow, your legs are ugly with hair, even though it's just as natural as the hair on your head. You don't have to bleach or wax or shave because somehow, what is natural is not right. You don't have to wish you were made of plastic. You don't have to wish you were somehow different.
There's nothing wrong with you.
Anything or anyone who tells you that there is, is a fucking liar. Don't for one minute believe that shit.
And don't let that little voice, that incarnation of societal expectations, taunt you and tell you all of those lies either. It may take time, but it's possible to come to a place where you don't attach all of your worth and value to what you -think- you should be or look like and judge yourself accordingly to how you fit that expectation.
Because there's nothing wrong with you.
You're beautiful. You're it. You've made it, and you didn't even have to do anything.
And if that's true – which it is, since I'm always right and all – then what of the media? What of the magazines? What of the diet pills and diet programs? What of the make-up industry or the clothing industry? What about the models?
While this was not the original intent, it is, undoubtedly, what it has become: a sticky web that shames women and makes them feel bad and tells them that they're enough so they'll be on a constant chase for that thing that will make them enough. It's all a ploy to make money.
And money has never been motivation enough to tell someone the truth.
They're lies.
So wear make-up if you want. If it's a fun thing to do. Get manicures and pedicures if they're fun. Change your diet and exercise more if you want to be healthy and do right by your body.
But don't do it because you think you need to change. Don't do it to try and become enough.
It's useless in that sense. Because you already are enough. You're more than enough.
You're beautiful.
And that's the truth.
With love, your sister,
Christina Finley
Now to be serious.
Admittedly, there are a lot of things in this world that piss me off. There are things that make my passion boil and that make me unable to be silent and make words flow out of me with astonishing ease. There are things that make me cry at night because the world is so damn unfair.
One of those things -- actually, chief among them -- is "beauty."
I am not unaware of the fact that the beauty standards of our society also affect men and that they do so with devastating effects. I know this. But right now, women and how our standards of beauty affect them is on my mind. I will leave men for, perhaps, another day. There are others who could speak on the topic with more authority than I.
But I can claim some expertise on this matter, as I am a woman and a feminist who studies this topic to some degree.
My name is Christina Marie Finley. I am eighteen years old and of Filipino descent. I am a size sixteen. I weighed 190 pounds at my last weigh-in at my doctor's. I am five foot, three inches. I have curly, frizzy brown hair and green eyes. I wear a 42D bra.
If you're reading this, your numbers may be different. Some of them may be similar or the same. You may be small in comparison to me, or you may be larger.
But numbers do not decide what is beautiful.
(Oh, and before you completely write me off, this isn't some inspirational note. This is reality.)
We are not the mere sum of our parts. We are not merely arms and legs and stomachs and livers and intestines and lungs, and to name something Beautiful for it being a lovely collection of parts is almost a shame of true beauty. There's nothing wrong with seeing someone you find attractive and thinking them attractive. That's natural. That's good. Hell, that's just good fun.
We are not the mere sum of our parts.
I'm not so naive as to think that one's physical form has no part in beauty. But it's not everything. And I've come to discover something, you know, over the last couple years of hating my body and hating myself and trying to change my body.
What I've discovered is that I would rather be me any day of the week than some airheaded little bint who barely knows how to even read (but doesn't know how to read... while having a great body that everyone wants to do).
That's a powerful statement, and it's a true one. As much as I wish I could change my body and am in the process of becoming healthier to do so, as my current weight puts me in danger of health problems, I would not change if that meant giving up who I am. Now, my body is part of who I am. It can be a sign of how much I care about myself, as if one loves oneself, one will care for oneself. It can be a sign of my passions -- if I am into sports, I will be muscular and slim. It is a wonderous machine with infinite capabilities.
But it would be nothing, merely an empty husk, without me.
Physical beauty has a part in beauty, but it's not everything. Not even close. I'd wager it's about 10% of the whole thing. A lousy ten percent.
But it seems like everything! Believe me, I know. That's what you're supposed to think. You're supposed to be duped into believing that the way you look is everything, that it doesn't really matter if you're a stupid, passionless little thing as long as you're hot. All of your sexuality and your beauty... it's all for the reaction from others. The reaction from men, if you're straight. But assuming your beauty and your sexuality is all for men, all for someone else's apprecation rather than your own pleasure, is doing yourself a disservice. You deserve better than being for someone else's entertainment.
Physical beauty isn't everything. It's only a small part.
Have you ever noticed how attractive people can become beyond ugly and unappealing once they open their mouths and you realize that they're as stupid as a cow? It's jarring, and you feel a bit sick for ever finding that person attractive.
That's evidence of how beauty is much more than what is on the outside. How we perceive the outside is often heavily influenced by the inside. That's evidence about how outer beauty isn't everything. If it can be morphed due to what is inside, I believe the case is made that what is on the inside matters more.
A trite statement, that. “What's on the inside matters.”
What truly matters, in life, in love, in friendships, is that which transcends the slow degeneration of time. What has infinite value and worth is that which has the power to affect, to change. The greatest minds, those who have ruled the world, either literally or metaphorically, those who have the power to etch out a new road for history – they did and will not become so by paltry good looks. It would be an asset, no doubt, but there are greater things in the world than that which incites lust.
Intelligence. Grace. Charm. Kindness. Respect. Empathy. Compassion. Altruism.
That is what matters. Those qualities, properly harnessed, could heal the world. Those qualities could bring about the healing of the poorest amongst us and those that suffer the greatest. Those qualities can and have and will change the world.
The women that were tortured in jail cells in the early twentieth-century may not have been “beautiful” then and may not be “beautiful” now, but they're the reason I can vote and own property in my name. They're the reason I have my own bank account and why I kept all of the money I earned. Had they been beautiful, their story would have still been the same because looks really had nothing to do with it. It was their insistence on the rightness of their cause, their passion, and their drive – those things won women the vote.
It wasn't beauty that made Elizabeth I of England one of the greatest monarchs of European history. It wasn't beauty that made Catherine the Great one of the greatest enlightened despots. It wasn't beauty that made Catherine de Medici the most powerful woman in France in the sixteenth-century. It was intelligence, love for their people, political guile, and the sheer force of will to dominate that made them so.
Physical beauty isn't the key. It isn't even a consideration when it comes to holding and wielding great power.
But what about everyday life? What about when it comes to love and relationships?
The only answer I have – indeed, the only one that rings true and holds no false emotion and no false comfort – is that you are beautiful.
You don't have to torture yourself to change. You don't have to fight against your base desires to eat and nourish your body. You don't have to want to die. You don't have to spend thousands of useless dollars on plastic surgery. You don't have to feed the beast of commercialism by buying diet programs and diet pills, the latter of which can be dangerous. You don't have to think you're less than someone else just because you see beauty in them easier than you see it in yourself. You don't have to think you're out of someone's league because you gauge your beauty as less than theirs. You don't have to agonize in front of the mirror for hours because, no matter from what angle you look, that “problem” area just won't seem smaller. You don't have to wish that your waist was smaller. You don't have to wish that your breasts were bigger. You don't have to wish that your butt was smaller or bigger or shapelier. You don't have to wish your hair was curlier or straighter. You don't have to spend hundreds of dollars on make-up to cake over what you deem is unsightly skin. You don't have to wear shorter skirts or buy taller heels because your legs will never look good or your butt will never look smaller. You don't have to wish your genetics were different so you'd have smaller feet or cuter feet. You don't have to buy into the lie that, somehow, your legs are ugly with hair, even though it's just as natural as the hair on your head. You don't have to bleach or wax or shave because somehow, what is natural is not right. You don't have to wish you were made of plastic. You don't have to wish you were somehow different.
There's nothing wrong with you.
Anything or anyone who tells you that there is, is a fucking liar. Don't for one minute believe that shit.
And don't let that little voice, that incarnation of societal expectations, taunt you and tell you all of those lies either. It may take time, but it's possible to come to a place where you don't attach all of your worth and value to what you -think- you should be or look like and judge yourself accordingly to how you fit that expectation.
Because there's nothing wrong with you.
You're beautiful. You're it. You've made it, and you didn't even have to do anything.
And if that's true – which it is, since I'm always right and all – then what of the media? What of the magazines? What of the diet pills and diet programs? What of the make-up industry or the clothing industry? What about the models?
While this was not the original intent, it is, undoubtedly, what it has become: a sticky web that shames women and makes them feel bad and tells them that they're enough so they'll be on a constant chase for that thing that will make them enough. It's all a ploy to make money.
And money has never been motivation enough to tell someone the truth.
They're lies.
So wear make-up if you want. If it's a fun thing to do. Get manicures and pedicures if they're fun. Change your diet and exercise more if you want to be healthy and do right by your body.
But don't do it because you think you need to change. Don't do it to try and become enough.
It's useless in that sense. Because you already are enough. You're more than enough.
You're beautiful.
And that's the truth.
With love, your sister,
Christina Finley
Monday, July 19, 2010
End of Day 5
Dinner:
Smartones - 270
Final calorie count:
1670!
Victory is mine!
Apparently, my BMR (whatever my body would burn just by existing) is just under 1700. And now, you burn calories by doing stuff, so to keep my current weight, I would need to eat 1700 calories plus however many I burned. If we just take my concentrated exercise, that would be 2300 calories to keep my current weight. However, I only ate 1670, which is about a deficit of 700 calories. So there's weight loss going on. In ten days, I will have lost two pounds :) Granted... that is only a loss of six pounds over 30 days, which I have less than now... but that's still weight loss.
... I wish this were faster >_> Now I'm mad at myself.
Smartones - 270
Final calorie count:
1670!
Victory is mine!
Apparently, my BMR (whatever my body would burn just by existing) is just under 1700. And now, you burn calories by doing stuff, so to keep my current weight, I would need to eat 1700 calories plus however many I burned. If we just take my concentrated exercise, that would be 2300 calories to keep my current weight. However, I only ate 1670, which is about a deficit of 700 calories. So there's weight loss going on. In ten days, I will have lost two pounds :) Granted... that is only a loss of six pounds over 30 days, which I have less than now... but that's still weight loss.
... I wish this were faster >_> Now I'm mad at myself.
Day 5
Snack:
SmartOnes - 200
Calories: 1400.
I may have another Smartones later to keep myself from feeling hungry later tonight, but I'm going to try an apple right now.
SmartOnes - 200
Calories: 1400.
I may have another Smartones later to keep myself from feeling hungry later tonight, but I'm going to try an apple right now.
Day 5
1040 cal.
Snack:
2 apples
2 pieces of dry toast - 160
1200 cal.
Dinner is most likely going to be SmartOnes, except I keep saying that, and it hasn't happened. I want some mac and cheese, though. And maybe the other turkey and gravy one. Mmm. Except now my formerly pretty-empty stomach is protesting my snack and the entire bottle of water I just drank. Silly stomach.
I think my calorie goal is to keep it under 1800. I think I burn around 1600 calories just by living, and then there's all of the stuff I do, and then there's my 600-calorie exercise (hopefully to remain daily), so yeah. You know, if I keep up my exercise for two more days, I will have burned 4200 calories! That's already a pound lost just by exercise. And then if I keep my calories under 1800, I'll be losing weight pretty quickly and yet safely.
And doing this whole thing right is important to me. I don't want to just drop pounds and then gain them all back. These are life changes I'm making. Heck, I've already changed my life. This is my life now. It's healthy and active and somewhat balanced (can't be perfect, lol). Except I need new walking shoes. The ones I have aren't cushioned enough on the bottom, so the pads of my foot right behind my toes really hurt after 100 minutes of walking.
Snack:
2 apples
2 pieces of dry toast - 160
1200 cal.
Dinner is most likely going to be SmartOnes, except I keep saying that, and it hasn't happened. I want some mac and cheese, though. And maybe the other turkey and gravy one. Mmm. Except now my formerly pretty-empty stomach is protesting my snack and the entire bottle of water I just drank. Silly stomach.
I think my calorie goal is to keep it under 1800. I think I burn around 1600 calories just by living, and then there's all of the stuff I do, and then there's my 600-calorie exercise (hopefully to remain daily), so yeah. You know, if I keep up my exercise for two more days, I will have burned 4200 calories! That's already a pound lost just by exercise. And then if I keep my calories under 1800, I'll be losing weight pretty quickly and yet safely.
And doing this whole thing right is important to me. I don't want to just drop pounds and then gain them all back. These are life changes I'm making. Heck, I've already changed my life. This is my life now. It's healthy and active and somewhat balanced (can't be perfect, lol). Except I need new walking shoes. The ones I have aren't cushioned enough on the bottom, so the pads of my foot right behind my toes really hurt after 100 minutes of walking.
Day 5
Exercise done - 100 minutes, 620 calories burnt. A good work out. And it's really hot right now, so I'm sweating like mad. I need a shower and then some water and a snack, lol. Even though it's getting close to dinner time.
Good day so far.
Good day so far.
Day 5
Breakfast:
Chex cereal with milk - 280
2 pieces of dry toast - 160
440 cal.
Lunch:
Chicken
Three bites of fetticine alfredo
600, I'm going to estimate. Because I don't know exactly how many calories were in each dish, and I didn't even finish all of my chicken or alfredo because I wasn't super hungry at the time. But now I'm a bit peckish again. Perhaps I'll have an apple or something before I go to walk.
Today, I think I will watch clips of The Word from the Colbert Report. And watch every clip with the word "gay" in it. "Stephen" is ever so repressed and gay. I love it :)
OH AND AT MAGGIANO'S (OR HOWEVER YOU SPELL IT) THE WAITER (HIS NAME WAS STEVE) WAS SO CUTE AND I MADE HIM LAUGH AND I WANTED TO TAKE HIM HOME BUT THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN WEIRD BUT HE WAS SO CUTE HIS EYES WERE SOULFUL AND SMOLDERING WITH THE EPIC THAT WAS HIS HOT. YES. HE WAS EPIC HOT.
^_^
Oh, and the mani/pedi was really nice. My fingernails are teal and my toenails are hot pink :)
Chex cereal with milk - 280
2 pieces of dry toast - 160
440 cal.
Lunch:
Chicken
Three bites of fetticine alfredo
600, I'm going to estimate. Because I don't know exactly how many calories were in each dish, and I didn't even finish all of my chicken or alfredo because I wasn't super hungry at the time. But now I'm a bit peckish again. Perhaps I'll have an apple or something before I go to walk.
Today, I think I will watch clips of The Word from the Colbert Report. And watch every clip with the word "gay" in it. "Stephen" is ever so repressed and gay. I love it :)
OH AND AT MAGGIANO'S (OR HOWEVER YOU SPELL IT) THE WAITER (HIS NAME WAS STEVE) WAS SO CUTE AND I MADE HIM LAUGH AND I WANTED TO TAKE HIM HOME BUT THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN WEIRD BUT HE WAS SO CUTE HIS EYES WERE SOULFUL AND SMOLDERING WITH THE EPIC THAT WAS HIS HOT. YES. HE WAS EPIC HOT.
^_^
Oh, and the mani/pedi was really nice. My fingernails are teal and my toenails are hot pink :)
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Day 4
So, dinner:
12-inch sandwich with turkey, cheddar, lettuce, and tomatoes on white bread - 600
Some chips - 100
700. Not bad.
So 1230 + 700 = 1930
That's still not bad. Certainly not as good as I have been doing, but I have been exercising a lot, and this is still less than I would be eating, were I not watching what I'm eating.
So overall, a good day.
Tomorrow: mani/pedi with Arlene :) Gonna be fun. I just have to not get lost and not be late.
12-inch sandwich with turkey, cheddar, lettuce, and tomatoes on white bread - 600
Some chips - 100
700. Not bad.
So 1230 + 700 = 1930
That's still not bad. Certainly not as good as I have been doing, but I have been exercising a lot, and this is still less than I would be eating, were I not watching what I'm eating.
So overall, a good day.
Tomorrow: mani/pedi with Arlene :) Gonna be fun. I just have to not get lost and not be late.
Day 4
More chips - 200
Apple
Celery
I'm actually not beating myself up for having some chips... which is crazy. But it's a good thing. I was craving them, and since I'm on my period, getting what I'm craving is better than ANYTHING. It was amazing, lol. Sounds like I'm talking about sex or something, haha.
And the thing is, I didn't have too many or enough to make me feel gross. It was just a little snack, and it was nice. Tonight, I think I'm going to have a couple of SmartOnes.
Calorie Count: 1230
But I don't figure I'll need to eat for at least another hour and a half because of my snack. I'm also going to have another bottleful of water to help keep this satisfied feeling.
I feel like today has been a good day, thus far.
Apple
Celery
I'm actually not beating myself up for having some chips... which is crazy. But it's a good thing. I was craving them, and since I'm on my period, getting what I'm craving is better than ANYTHING. It was amazing, lol. Sounds like I'm talking about sex or something, haha.
And the thing is, I didn't have too many or enough to make me feel gross. It was just a little snack, and it was nice. Tonight, I think I'm going to have a couple of SmartOnes.
Calorie Count: 1230
But I don't figure I'll need to eat for at least another hour and a half because of my snack. I'm also going to have another bottleful of water to help keep this satisfied feeling.
I feel like today has been a good day, thus far.
Day 4
Lunch:
Sandwich - 500 (the label says 580, but I took the cheese off, so I estimated)
Chips - 250 (I couldn't really tell because a ton of the chips I was eating were tiny)
Celery
750 + 280 =
1030 calories today thus far.
Sandwich - 500 (the label says 580, but I took the cheese off, so I estimated)
Chips - 250 (I couldn't really tell because a ton of the chips I was eating were tiny)
Celery
750 + 280 =
1030 calories today thus far.
Day 4
100 minutes of exercise. Burned 610 calories :)
Watching Keith Olbermann's Special Comments. I love him. He's intelligent. He has facts. I appreciate both.
And his glasses.
And his sexy, silver hair.
And his voice.
And his sexiness that is derived from his brain, his passion, and his facts.
Mostly the last. But the other things help, too.
Watching Keith Olbermann's Special Comments. I love him. He's intelligent. He has facts. I appreciate both.
And his glasses.
And his sexy, silver hair.
And his voice.
And his sexiness that is derived from his brain, his passion, and his facts.
Mostly the last. But the other things help, too.
Day 4
Woke up feeling a bit crappy. I stayed up too long, and I didn't get enough sleep. I need to stop being on my computer for hours upon hours at a time. It's not healthy, I don't think. But I had an interesting dream. I can't really remember what it was about, but there were good-looking guys who were carrying me places, and there was one I had feelings for... and then all of a sudden, I had leather pants, and I was trying to solve something.
I have weird dreams. This is so.
Anyway, food:
Chex cereal - 200
Milk with it - 80
280 calories
Now I'm off to exercise. I don't know what I'm going to watch, though. I've kind of exhausted my addiction for The Daily Show and The Colbert Report lately. Well, I could watch all of the classic clips on that DVD of TCR I have. Maybe. I'll find something.
And then for lunch, I'm going to have two SmartOnes with some fruits and vegetables. And then after lunch, my mom and I are going to launder all of my dorm linens. It's gonna be so exciting that I can't hardly articulate it to you.
I have weird dreams. This is so.
Anyway, food:
Chex cereal - 200
Milk with it - 80
280 calories
Now I'm off to exercise. I don't know what I'm going to watch, though. I've kind of exhausted my addiction for The Daily Show and The Colbert Report lately. Well, I could watch all of the classic clips on that DVD of TCR I have. Maybe. I'll find something.
And then for lunch, I'm going to have two SmartOnes with some fruits and vegetables. And then after lunch, my mom and I are going to launder all of my dorm linens. It's gonna be so exciting that I can't hardly articulate it to you.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Day 3
Probably had too many bananas. Now my tummy hurts :( But it's alright.
I need to limit my intake even of fruits and vegetables because this is uncomfortable.
That's enough thoughts for now. I don't anticipate needing more food tonight.
Good night, and good luck.
I need to limit my intake even of fruits and vegetables because this is uncomfortable.
That's enough thoughts for now. I don't anticipate needing more food tonight.
Good night, and good luck.
Day 3
Another SmartOnes - 270
Another banana
290 + 270 = 560
880 + 560 = 1440 calories
It's probably actually a lot more, with all of the bananas I've eaten, but I figure if I eat more veggies and fruits, that's still going to be less calories and better for me, were I to eat something else. I don't know... I guess it just makes me feel better to not count the calories of my fruits and veggies so I feel like I can eat a lot. Dunno.
But overall, I feel like today has been yet another healthy one. I just need to keep up with the walking and eat more fruits and veggies and watch how much I eat of other things, too. I think I'm going to watch the hypnosis video again.
Tomorrow: my mom and I are going to launder all of my linens for my dorm room. Partaaaay!
Another banana
290 + 270 = 560
880 + 560 = 1440 calories
It's probably actually a lot more, with all of the bananas I've eaten, but I figure if I eat more veggies and fruits, that's still going to be less calories and better for me, were I to eat something else. I don't know... I guess it just makes me feel better to not count the calories of my fruits and veggies so I feel like I can eat a lot. Dunno.
But overall, I feel like today has been yet another healthy one. I just need to keep up with the walking and eat more fruits and veggies and watch how much I eat of other things, too. I think I'm going to watch the hypnosis video again.
Tomorrow: my mom and I are going to launder all of my linens for my dorm room. Partaaaay!
Day 3
SmartOnes - 290
Another banana
Another celery stalk
I think I'm going to have another SmartOnes later because it's just stemming the hunger. But I've been doing good today, I think.
I've stopped drinking water, lol. My body isn't used to being so hydrated.
Another banana
Another celery stalk
I think I'm going to have another SmartOnes later because it's just stemming the hunger. But I've been doing good today, I think.
I've stopped drinking water, lol. My body isn't used to being so hydrated.
Day 3
I've had another stalk of celery and an apple as a snack. I think I'm just going to wait to have a proper meal at around seven, but I'm going to have two SmartOnes, and so that'll probably be around 600 calories, so that's about 1300 calories for the day. I call that a win.
Except there's a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge that is TAUNTING me >_>
I really want to write. I have this idea for a story, but I doubt I'll ever finish it. But basically, the idea is that, unlike most representations of magic, there are no rules. Magic doesn't have rules. It defies physics and chemistry. Like, if something's being levitated, there's no change in gravity or the air molecules around the object when it's being levitated. It's just being levitated. And there's no real way to train someone to use magic because it's different for everyone. Everyone has the ability to do magic in some capacity, but for most people, it's just the ability to sooth a frightened child or animal a bit with a touch or to make a homemade dish just that more delicious with a concentration of will.
But yeah. And then there are people who have incredible power, enough to create earthquakes and windstorms and thunderstorms with a wayward thought. Those people are "The Called". And they either learn to control their power themselves or become crazed monsters who are controlled by their power rather than the other way around. The main character will be a woman, of course, a young woman. Probably around seventeen who's one of The Called. And then there's a female advisor to the king (I love me some medieval era :) ) who's fighting the forced recruitment of The Called into the king's personal guard.
And there, of course, will be a love interest. I don't know how that will play out, though, or what I want it to look like.
But yeah, that's just been the idea on my mind for a while.
Except there's a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge that is TAUNTING me >_>
I really want to write. I have this idea for a story, but I doubt I'll ever finish it. But basically, the idea is that, unlike most representations of magic, there are no rules. Magic doesn't have rules. It defies physics and chemistry. Like, if something's being levitated, there's no change in gravity or the air molecules around the object when it's being levitated. It's just being levitated. And there's no real way to train someone to use magic because it's different for everyone. Everyone has the ability to do magic in some capacity, but for most people, it's just the ability to sooth a frightened child or animal a bit with a touch or to make a homemade dish just that more delicious with a concentration of will.
But yeah. And then there are people who have incredible power, enough to create earthquakes and windstorms and thunderstorms with a wayward thought. Those people are "The Called". And they either learn to control their power themselves or become crazed monsters who are controlled by their power rather than the other way around. The main character will be a woman, of course, a young woman. Probably around seventeen who's one of The Called. And then there's a female advisor to the king (I love me some medieval era :) ) who's fighting the forced recruitment of The Called into the king's personal guard.
And there, of course, will be a love interest. I don't know how that will play out, though, or what I want it to look like.
But yeah, that's just been the idea on my mind for a while.
Day 3
So I've had some carrots as a snack, and I actually feel pretty good right now, even with that dense chocolate cake (when I was about 3/4 of the way done, I put it in the microwave to heat it up, all of the frosting melted, so I just had the rest of the cake itself and then a little bit of the melted chocolate, which is definitely saved calories, haha). And I haven't had a proper "lunch" yet because I haven't been hungry. I think I might eat at four and then have my dinner (which will be light, probably cereal or something) at around eight or nine. I like eating later because I go to sleep really late/early, haha. But I've been doing better on the staying up front. Sleep is really important, after all.
I think I might try that hypnosis again. I feel like it actually has really helped to solidify my commitment to this. And it's been getting easier to say no to unhealthy foods, even just a bite of it. But then again, it is only day three.
I'm really going to have to watch myself on Monday because I'm getting a mani/pedi and then lunch with my aunt-to-be, Arlene. We're gonna be at Bellevue Square, so... haha. Even at a restuarant, it's gonna be difficult. But I think I'm going to try and go for some chicken or turkey or some soup. Mmm, soup would be nice. But it -is- only one meal, and I will have exercised already (gonna have to get up earlier because I'm meeting her at ten, I'll have to leave at 9:20 because there's going to be a bit of a walk to get from the parking garage I'll be in to where we're meeting). And there's no reason to make myself miserable.
Still hesitantly optimistic.
Time for more water :)
I think I might try that hypnosis again. I feel like it actually has really helped to solidify my commitment to this. And it's been getting easier to say no to unhealthy foods, even just a bite of it. But then again, it is only day three.
I'm really going to have to watch myself on Monday because I'm getting a mani/pedi and then lunch with my aunt-to-be, Arlene. We're gonna be at Bellevue Square, so... haha. Even at a restuarant, it's gonna be difficult. But I think I'm going to try and go for some chicken or turkey or some soup. Mmm, soup would be nice. But it -is- only one meal, and I will have exercised already (gonna have to get up earlier because I'm meeting her at ten, I'll have to leave at 9:20 because there's going to be a bit of a walk to get from the parking garage I'll be in to where we're meeting). And there's no reason to make myself miserable.
Still hesitantly optimistic.
Time for more water :)
Day 3
1 HUGE piece of chocolate cake - 600
Celery
2 bananas
So just as future reference, I'm not going to count fruits or veggies as any calories. They have them, I know, but as they say, whoever got fat off of too many fruits or vegetables? So I feel like I can binge on something without it being bad. And this cake is HEAVENLY. It's pure chocolate... on chocolate... with chocolate frosting.
My menstruating self loves this.
Drinking lots of water, probably gonna have some carrots later, and then have a SmartOnes for my proper lunch.
So for the day, we're at 880 calories. Probably more, though, with the cake, but I feel 600 is a good estimate... maybe? Dunno.
Celery
2 bananas
So just as future reference, I'm not going to count fruits or veggies as any calories. They have them, I know, but as they say, whoever got fat off of too many fruits or vegetables? So I feel like I can binge on something without it being bad. And this cake is HEAVENLY. It's pure chocolate... on chocolate... with chocolate frosting.
My menstruating self loves this.
Drinking lots of water, probably gonna have some carrots later, and then have a SmartOnes for my proper lunch.
So for the day, we're at 880 calories. Probably more, though, with the cake, but I feel 600 is a good estimate... maybe? Dunno.
Day 3
100 minutes of walking - 610 cals
Good exercise. Except now I'm going to ruin it by eating a slice of chocolate cake, haha. But the rest of the day will be good :) I feel good right now.
Gotta run now, giving some movies back that a friend of mine lent me.
Good exercise. Except now I'm going to ruin it by eating a slice of chocolate cake, haha. But the rest of the day will be good :) I feel good right now.
Gotta run now, giving some movies back that a friend of mine lent me.
Day 3
Cheerios - 220
Milk w/ it - 60
280 is a good start to the day. Now I'm off to do my walking, hopefully for as long as I did yesterday :)
Milk w/ it - 60
280 is a good start to the day. Now I'm off to do my walking, hopefully for as long as I did yesterday :)
Friday, July 16, 2010
Day 2 - Reflections
Overall, health and food wise, today was a good day. I had a reasonable amount of food, much less than I normally have, and I didn't snack. I did a lot of exercise and felt REALLY good afterwards. Seriously, I felt energized, and it really helped my cramps because I was all shot up with endorphins. It was nice.
1720 calories and 100 minutes of walking? I'd say that was a good day.
And my dad's at the store with a list of stuff I asked him to get -- carrots, celery, apples, bananas, and Weight Watchers Smart Ones. Hopefully, having that stuff around and having more choices for meals will help. And I did 15 minutes of hypnosis online (just a video I found on youtube), and it really helped. It was a nice motivation technique, and it actually got me relaxed for bed, lol. I didn't go asleep right after, but it was a nice way to tell myself that the day was winding down. And the man's accent is delicious. His Scottish brogue just twirls a bit at his words. It's very soothing :)
You know what I also realized today? Well, I'd kind of known it before, but it became even more apparent to me: I have a deep-seated distrust of men, especially those who are young enough to be in my appropriate age range yet older than me. It's... weird. And it's not healthy, I don't think. And I'm just paranoid. I'm not sure that's a good quality to have. Sigh. Oh well.
Anyway, today was a good day. I just don't -feel- like it was. I hate my emotions.
1720 calories and 100 minutes of walking? I'd say that was a good day.
And my dad's at the store with a list of stuff I asked him to get -- carrots, celery, apples, bananas, and Weight Watchers Smart Ones. Hopefully, having that stuff around and having more choices for meals will help. And I did 15 minutes of hypnosis online (just a video I found on youtube), and it really helped. It was a nice motivation technique, and it actually got me relaxed for bed, lol. I didn't go asleep right after, but it was a nice way to tell myself that the day was winding down. And the man's accent is delicious. His Scottish brogue just twirls a bit at his words. It's very soothing :)
You know what I also realized today? Well, I'd kind of known it before, but it became even more apparent to me: I have a deep-seated distrust of men, especially those who are young enough to be in my appropriate age range yet older than me. It's... weird. And it's not healthy, I don't think. And I'm just paranoid. I'm not sure that's a good quality to have. Sigh. Oh well.
Anyway, today was a good day. I just don't -feel- like it was. I hate my emotions.
Day 2
Oatmeal w/ milk - 400
Okay, so this is 1720 calories today. That's alright. And with my exercise, it balances out a bit. I need to try harder.
Tomorrow, I'm going to walk again and try my BEST to eat right. But my parents went out to dinner and brought me back a slice of chocolate cake, and I had a bite (just a bite, honest), and it's delicious x_x But I'm going to have it tomorrow and then exercise a lot. Then it'll be out of the house, so to speak, and I won't have it on a bad day when I already ate like crap.
I'm feeling... okay. All of the food today has left me satisfied/full but not feeling crappy. But I'm a little down. I feel... stupid.
Okay, so this is 1720 calories today. That's alright. And with my exercise, it balances out a bit. I need to try harder.
Tomorrow, I'm going to walk again and try my BEST to eat right. But my parents went out to dinner and brought me back a slice of chocolate cake, and I had a bite (just a bite, honest), and it's delicious x_x But I'm going to have it tomorrow and then exercise a lot. Then it'll be out of the house, so to speak, and I won't have it on a bad day when I already ate like crap.
I'm feeling... okay. All of the food today has left me satisfied/full but not feeling crappy. But I'm a little down. I feel... stupid.
Day 2
... and my dad ruined my guy-high. I didn't say anything about what the guy had said, but my dad implied that it was probably a scam... so now I feel like the guy only seemed charming to try and get money from me. Ugh. Now I don't feel so pretty.
But anyway. Half of dinner:
Eight chicken nuggets - 320
1 piece of dry toast - 80
400 more. That's 1320 for the entire day thus far. I'm probably going to have 200-400 more calories a bit later, maybe some oatmeal or some more Eggbeater eggs. Unfortunately, my dad just bought a ton of stuff from Schwan's, nothing I really like or nothing that's super healthy, either x_x Now I'm all pissed off and I just want to eat a ton. I'm an emotional eater, I know, and it doesn't help matters.
But anyway. Half of dinner:
Eight chicken nuggets - 320
1 piece of dry toast - 80
400 more. That's 1320 for the entire day thus far. I'm probably going to have 200-400 more calories a bit later, maybe some oatmeal or some more Eggbeater eggs. Unfortunately, my dad just bought a ton of stuff from Schwan's, nothing I really like or nothing that's super healthy, either x_x Now I'm all pissed off and I just want to eat a ton. I'm an emotional eater, I know, and it doesn't help matters.
Day 2 - EXCITING STUFF
Okay, gotta fangirl real quick.
So these two guys came to my front door because they're fundraising for their study abroad trip (even though they go to UW, I'm willing to overlook that), and they're selling books to be given to autistic children. And I unfortunately had to turn them down because money's tight around here as it is -- not everyone has 80,000 dollars for a college education just lying around -- but one guy, Christopher, asked if he could come back and show me pictures of their trip, maybe take me out to dinner.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH :D
I, of course, said maybe, and they left. Then I did my customary freak-out and went paranoid for a little bit, wondering if they were going to try to break in or if they were going to stalk me or something crazy like that (I should stop watching crime shows). But after that bit of paranoia passed, I just felt good :) He was cute and seemed nice. And he and his friend are doing a study abroad in London with BBC. AH <3 Very exciting.
So, this was the first time I've ever been hit on by someone I didn't even know. And he wasn't creepy, by the way, like I sometimes imagine it to be. It was nice and flattering.
Yay :)
So these two guys came to my front door because they're fundraising for their study abroad trip (even though they go to UW, I'm willing to overlook that), and they're selling books to be given to autistic children. And I unfortunately had to turn them down because money's tight around here as it is -- not everyone has 80,000 dollars for a college education just lying around -- but one guy, Christopher, asked if he could come back and show me pictures of their trip, maybe take me out to dinner.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH :D
I, of course, said maybe, and they left. Then I did my customary freak-out and went paranoid for a little bit, wondering if they were going to try to break in or if they were going to stalk me or something crazy like that (I should stop watching crime shows). But after that bit of paranoia passed, I just felt good :) He was cute and seemed nice. And he and his friend are doing a study abroad in London with BBC. AH <3 Very exciting.
So, this was the first time I've ever been hit on by someone I didn't even know. And he wasn't creepy, by the way, like I sometimes imagine it to be. It was nice and flattering.
Yay :)
Day 2
Okay, lunch!
2 packets of oatmeal with some milk - 400
2 pieces of dry toast - 160
A few carrots
More water
560 + 360 = 920 calories for the day thus far :)
I don't know what we're having for dinner tonight, but I'm going to pull for frozen dinners, so I can get Weight Watchers dinners. I don't know how they do it, but their dinners are delicious, and I could have two and still be in the green. I just have to watch out for mindless snacking and make sure I drink a ton of water.
So far, so good, but we'll see.
2 packets of oatmeal with some milk - 400
2 pieces of dry toast - 160
A few carrots
More water
560 + 360 = 920 calories for the day thus far :)
I don't know what we're having for dinner tonight, but I'm going to pull for frozen dinners, so I can get Weight Watchers dinners. I don't know how they do it, but their dinners are delicious, and I could have two and still be in the green. I just have to watch out for mindless snacking and make sure I drink a ton of water.
So far, so good, but we'll see.
Day 2
I love Kelly Clarkson's body. She looks so perfect in this picture. And what I love about her is that she looks healthy, just slim. She still has curves, but she's a healthy size. And I want to look like that. So badly.
Today's been good. I'm going to have lunch sometime -- oatmeal with toast, probably. Maybe some more eggs. I need to drink some more water; I've only drained one of my water bottles today, and that was with exercise.
Day 2
Exercise done! 100 minutes of walking, approximately (according to my treadmill, could be wrong) 511 calories burnt. Mission accomplished there.
Now, onto the rest of my day.
Now, onto the rest of my day.
Day 2
Eggbeater Eggs- 200
Two pieces of dry toast - 160
360, that's a goodly amount of breakfast. And I actually made the eggs. I'm boss. Yeah, I know :P
Right now, I just started the treadmill (typing and walking is a little difficult, I will admit), and I think I'm going to go for an hour. It's doable.
I'm gonna take a break around twenty minutes to get some water. I forgot my water bottle, and I don't really want to stop.
Huh, for some reason, my legs are a little sore. OH AND BY THE WAY, I hate periods x_x
Two pieces of dry toast - 160
360, that's a goodly amount of breakfast. And I actually made the eggs. I'm boss. Yeah, I know :P
Right now, I just started the treadmill (typing and walking is a little difficult, I will admit), and I think I'm going to go for an hour. It's doable.
I'm gonna take a break around twenty minutes to get some water. I forgot my water bottle, and I don't really want to stop.
Huh, for some reason, my legs are a little sore. OH AND BY THE WAY, I hate periods x_x
Day 2
I feel I've made a victory already just by waking up when my alarm told me to instead of just turning it off and burrowing back into my comfy mattress.
VICTORY IS MINE.
Let's see how the rest of the day goes.
I'm hesitantly optimistic.
VICTORY IS MINE.
Let's see how the rest of the day goes.
I'm hesitantly optimistic.
I'm still counting this as day 1
Five pieces of buttered bread - 600 x_x <-- I was hungry. Even though I only ate dinner... well, five hours ago. Granted. But still.
A bit of milk - 40 cals
So tomorrow:
This is my solemn pledge to myself and to you, fearless reader. Tomorrow I shall get up at 9am. Then, I will find some clothes appropriate to walk in (I believe I shall find them in the dryer). I will take my water bottle from the fridge and my laptop and go walk on the treadmill for at least 40 minutes. Preferably an entire hour. While I watch episodes of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report (I have one all ready and waiting). Then I will eat a healthy breakfast of oatmeal <3 Because I love the mealed oats. lol.
Then I will... do something. I'll read a few more essays from Jon Stewart's "Naked Pictures of Famous People" or a few chapters of "The Handmaid's Tale." I will take a shower and actually get dressed, too, instead of staying in my pajamas.
*sigh* We'll see how this goes.
Goodnight, blogpost-world.
A bit of milk - 40 cals
So tomorrow:
This is my solemn pledge to myself and to you, fearless reader. Tomorrow I shall get up at 9am. Then, I will find some clothes appropriate to walk in (I believe I shall find them in the dryer). I will take my water bottle from the fridge and my laptop and go walk on the treadmill for at least 40 minutes. Preferably an entire hour. While I watch episodes of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report (I have one all ready and waiting). Then I will eat a healthy breakfast of oatmeal <3 Because I love the mealed oats. lol.
Then I will... do something. I'll read a few more essays from Jon Stewart's "Naked Pictures of Famous People" or a few chapters of "The Handmaid's Tale." I will take a shower and actually get dressed, too, instead of staying in my pajamas.
*sigh* We'll see how this goes.
Goodnight, blogpost-world.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Women I want to look like
That's Cote de Pablo, best known for her role as Ziva David on NCIS.
The lead singer of Cascada.
Out of these three, I want to look like the one in the middle. I mean, with how disproportionate my body is (my legs aren't significantly longer than my torso), I'm never going to look like any of them, but still.
I would KILL for this woman's body. She's the singularly most gorgeous woman I've ever seen. She's incredibly beautiful. And she's thin without being too thin, and she still has curves.
You know what I keep thinking as I'm looking for pictures? I really wonder what my body would look like without all of this fat. I've never seen my natural, mature body without all of this extra weight. I think the last time I was actually at a normal weight was in sixth or seventh grade. Probably sixth. So I don't know what my normal body will look like. And it's going to suck, having to buy new clothes, because I'm going to be in college, and I won't have money, and my parents won't have money, so... yeah. Yay Ross...? I wonder if I have any older clothes that I could wear again. I mean, I'll have a belt, so it won't be too bad if I have to wait for a while, but... ugh. I hate having to think about money.
And I really, really, really hope I don't -GAIN- weight. I don't want the freshman fifteen. Maybe a negative fifteen? Negative twenty? There are a LOT of hills in Pullman, lots of walking involved (and with my luck, my classes will be on opposite sides of campus...), so hopefully?
But no guy will come near me unless I lose at least some of this weight. So... should get on it. And it's probably too late too start exercising, and my dad's in the garage where our treadmill is, and I don't like it when people are around when I exercise. I get all sweaty and gross and disgusting.
Frustration
Fuuuuuuuuuuck x_x My mom keeps saying she wants a brownie, and it feels like I'm craving a hit of a narcotic or something x___________x I'm not hungry right now because I just ate oatmeal, and I'm going to have some more water later to preserve the feeling of fullness, but GAAAAAH.
My family knows I'm trying to lose weight and be healthier, and yet, they don't make a concentrated, solid, consistent effort to help me out. I'm not asking all of them to lose weight, I just want there to be better food around. Granted, the last couple of days, I've been craving everything, and we've had frozen yogurt and there are microwaveable brownies in the freezer (had one earlier), but seriously. I want to lose weight. I don't want to weigh this much all of my life. And I'm young right now, so it'll be easier, and I have an entire month of free time ahead of me. So, feasibly, I could lose ten pounds. Even more, if I really put some effort into it. Well, even ten pounds won't be easy. But still.
It's just frustrating because all of this from my family isn't helping. And nothing I say will stick. It'll work for a few days, maybe a week, but then they'll just forget again and go back to their bad habits. And I've learned my bad habits from them, but that's no excuse because I'm eighteen now, I'm a fully-functioning, reasonable, rational, logical adult, so I can change my own habits and live my own life. But it's hard. They're toxic surroundings, I'll tell ya.
Tomorrow, I am going to walk for at least forty minutes. I'll just rewatch old episodes of The Colbert Report and The Daily Show. Maybe the TDS episode with Denis Leary and some clips of Jason Jones and Sam Bee <3 The one about the census!
But I need to get up early, around eight or nine, before the heat sets in. Heh. That'll be the day. I don't know. I NEED to do this, but I don't even really want to. And it's hard. And it sucks. And my family sucks right now. x_x
My family knows I'm trying to lose weight and be healthier, and yet, they don't make a concentrated, solid, consistent effort to help me out. I'm not asking all of them to lose weight, I just want there to be better food around. Granted, the last couple of days, I've been craving everything, and we've had frozen yogurt and there are microwaveable brownies in the freezer (had one earlier), but seriously. I want to lose weight. I don't want to weigh this much all of my life. And I'm young right now, so it'll be easier, and I have an entire month of free time ahead of me. So, feasibly, I could lose ten pounds. Even more, if I really put some effort into it. Well, even ten pounds won't be easy. But still.
It's just frustrating because all of this from my family isn't helping. And nothing I say will stick. It'll work for a few days, maybe a week, but then they'll just forget again and go back to their bad habits. And I've learned my bad habits from them, but that's no excuse because I'm eighteen now, I'm a fully-functioning, reasonable, rational, logical adult, so I can change my own habits and live my own life. But it's hard. They're toxic surroundings, I'll tell ya.
Tomorrow, I am going to walk for at least forty minutes. I'll just rewatch old episodes of The Colbert Report and The Daily Show. Maybe the TDS episode with Denis Leary and some clips of Jason Jones and Sam Bee <3 The one about the census!
But I need to get up early, around eight or nine, before the heat sets in. Heh. That'll be the day. I don't know. I NEED to do this, but I don't even really want to. And it's hard. And it sucks. And my family sucks right now. x_x
Still Day 1
Dinner (and this will be ALL. I mean it.)
Oatmeal with milk over it - 400 calories
I think that brings me up somewhere around 2000 cals for the day. Which is bad, because I think I only burn 1600 calories a day, just at rest, and I didn't do much exercise at all. Unless you count walking at a very slow pace around the house to get to different rooms exercises.
Ugh, I hate my body right now.
Oatmeal with milk over it - 400 calories
I think that brings me up somewhere around 2000 cals for the day. Which is bad, because I think I only burn 1600 calories a day, just at rest, and I didn't do much exercise at all. Unless you count walking at a very slow pace around the house to get to different rooms exercises.
Ugh, I hate my body right now.
Another Day 1
You know what bugs me about all of this, more than anything?
The fact I feel like I'm doing this absolutely alone. I really have to focus on the food myself and pick and choose among what we have at the house because my parents and my brother aren't focused on losing weight. And I have no one to motivate me (other than me) to do exercise. I really feel alone in this. And I don't really want to ask any of my friends to do some sort of exercise with me because then we'll be hanging out... but it'll be about me exercising. It won't be about us hanging out. It's frustrating.
And I don't even know what kind of support I'd want, you know? I don't even know if I want someone to exercise with or someone just to comment or send me a message on facebook or something with some sort of encouragement and reminder that I'm not a worthless person just because my body isn't nice-looking. I think that's what I need most, though. That no matter what, if I lose sixty pounds and have a normal-looking body or if I only lose one or two, I'm not a bad person. I'm not a loser. I'm not going to fail at life.
And I'm so frustrated and exhausted with politics. I love politics. I can't stay away from them. I'm even watching right now, The Nightly News with Brian Williams. I watch clips of Anderson Cooper 360, and I watch with religious fervor The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. I need to read more news online, and I want to get the Economist, but I feel reasonably informed. More informed than a lot of people. But all of the politicians (except for a few, namely the senators from WA)... they're so full of it. They sit around, dither about, and they don't make the decisions that need to be made. There are some pieces of legislation that have come about in the last two years that I am happy about, that I think were a long time in coming. But there are so many more things that need to be changed and done better. And it's frustrating because no one really seems to care. A 98% incumbency rate isn't helping, either. Get elected once, get elected again, it seems like.
I don't know. x_x
But back to the point. I feel fat. I feel like a waste of space right now. I feel like I'll never be sexy to anyone and that I'll never FEEL sexy. It sucks.
Hm. I need water.
I'm going to try to eat as little as possible for dinner. I'm not really hungry right now, though, which is good. But dinner won't be for a while. So... I don't know.
The fact I feel like I'm doing this absolutely alone. I really have to focus on the food myself and pick and choose among what we have at the house because my parents and my brother aren't focused on losing weight. And I have no one to motivate me (other than me) to do exercise. I really feel alone in this. And I don't really want to ask any of my friends to do some sort of exercise with me because then we'll be hanging out... but it'll be about me exercising. It won't be about us hanging out. It's frustrating.
And I don't even know what kind of support I'd want, you know? I don't even know if I want someone to exercise with or someone just to comment or send me a message on facebook or something with some sort of encouragement and reminder that I'm not a worthless person just because my body isn't nice-looking. I think that's what I need most, though. That no matter what, if I lose sixty pounds and have a normal-looking body or if I only lose one or two, I'm not a bad person. I'm not a loser. I'm not going to fail at life.
And I'm so frustrated and exhausted with politics. I love politics. I can't stay away from them. I'm even watching right now, The Nightly News with Brian Williams. I watch clips of Anderson Cooper 360, and I watch with religious fervor The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. I need to read more news online, and I want to get the Economist, but I feel reasonably informed. More informed than a lot of people. But all of the politicians (except for a few, namely the senators from WA)... they're so full of it. They sit around, dither about, and they don't make the decisions that need to be made. There are some pieces of legislation that have come about in the last two years that I am happy about, that I think were a long time in coming. But there are so many more things that need to be changed and done better. And it's frustrating because no one really seems to care. A 98% incumbency rate isn't helping, either. Get elected once, get elected again, it seems like.
I don't know. x_x
But back to the point. I feel fat. I feel like a waste of space right now. I feel like I'll never be sexy to anyone and that I'll never FEEL sexy. It sucks.
Hm. I need water.
I'm going to try to eat as little as possible for dinner. I'm not really hungry right now, though, which is good. But dinner won't be for a while. So... I don't know.
Today's another day one...
Me at my high school graduation
http://img706.imageshack.us/img706/7200/meatriver.png
A friend took this picture at me near a river.
http://img571.imageshack.us/img571/8807/meandcorina.png
And that one is of me and a friend after graduation, before our grad night party.
So yeah. I have a ways to go before I have a healthy, pretty body.
7/15/2010
1 Schwann's brownie - 400
2 servings of Chex cereal - 220
Milk with that - 300
A few bites of pasta - 300
2 pieces of dry toast - 160
I feel crappy and horrible today. I feel fat and gross and disgusting. I haven't really been focusing on losing weight in forever. It's hard. I don't want to exercise. And I don't have anything fun to watch because I usually watch TDS and TCR with my walking because the two episodes together is 40 minutes (and I usually fangirl over a few moments by watching them several times over).
I feel fat. And horrid. I want to buy some dance exercise videos because I feel like I'd like them, and all three that I want together would be eighteen bucks, but we're tight on money this week. Maybe over the weekend after payday. And it's really hot outside, so walking any time during the day after 11am is impossible because the garage gets so damn hot.
And I want to lose a ton of weight, but I only have a month until college, and I'm fat and ugly and my face is all scabby and red, and I don't know how to take care of my hair, and the shampoo/conditioner 2-in-1 I have is crappy as hell, and I want to get another kind, but we're tight on money, as I said, and I've been staying in my pajamas and not going outside and not doing anything other than being on the computer, and I feel like a freak and a loser.
I'm humungous.
And what's been really been bugging me lately is (aside from my exhaustion with politics) the fact I'm so independent. I really am. I don't confide in people a lot, I don't need constant companionship, I'm not really the dependent person. And it makes me wonder if I'll ever feel okay with the idea of a relationship. Or sex. I have issues with sex, and I've never even had it. Ugh x_x I wish things were simple.
And I really, REALLY don't want to go to college. I started to cry a little when I saw a K-Mart commercial today for dorm stuff.
2 servings of Chex cereal - 220
Milk with that - 300
A few bites of pasta - 300
2 pieces of dry toast - 160
I feel crappy and horrible today. I feel fat and gross and disgusting. I haven't really been focusing on losing weight in forever. It's hard. I don't want to exercise. And I don't have anything fun to watch because I usually watch TDS and TCR with my walking because the two episodes together is 40 minutes (and I usually fangirl over a few moments by watching them several times over).
I feel fat. And horrid. I want to buy some dance exercise videos because I feel like I'd like them, and all three that I want together would be eighteen bucks, but we're tight on money this week. Maybe over the weekend after payday. And it's really hot outside, so walking any time during the day after 11am is impossible because the garage gets so damn hot.
And I want to lose a ton of weight, but I only have a month until college, and I'm fat and ugly and my face is all scabby and red, and I don't know how to take care of my hair, and the shampoo/conditioner 2-in-1 I have is crappy as hell, and I want to get another kind, but we're tight on money, as I said, and I've been staying in my pajamas and not going outside and not doing anything other than being on the computer, and I feel like a freak and a loser.
I'm humungous.
And what's been really been bugging me lately is (aside from my exhaustion with politics) the fact I'm so independent. I really am. I don't confide in people a lot, I don't need constant companionship, I'm not really the dependent person. And it makes me wonder if I'll ever feel okay with the idea of a relationship. Or sex. I have issues with sex, and I've never even had it. Ugh x_x I wish things were simple.
And I really, REALLY don't want to go to college. I started to cry a little when I saw a K-Mart commercial today for dorm stuff.
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