Day 56

Less than a serving of Frosted Flakes
Less than a cup of milk
Three little cheeseburgers (tiny things, they are)
1 chocolate milk
2 McDonald's double cheeseburgers
1 small fries
1 glass of orange juice

... yeah. Not good. I just haven't been paying much attention lately. The reason I didn't eat much before dinner (McDonald's) was because I was too nervous about my eFolio presentation. Then I didn't get home until 5pm because of a voice lesson and then I didn't eat until 5:45. Yeah...

I just feel like crap lately. Just all around. I'm not eating right, I'm not exercising... just because I haven't made it a priority. I just don't know what to focus on or what to do with myself. I stay up way too late, get up too early (because I want to eat breakfast), but I end up not eating a good breakfast... I just feel so alone in this so I forget about it for a while and don't do anything particularly healthy. It's just hard that my immediate family isn't in this with me.

And then there's college. So I hung out with Ben Olson on Sunday and we chatted about Cornell because he goes there and I want to go there, and I'm soooo second-guessing myself. It's so... you know? It's such an elite school, and I don't feel like an elite person, and it's not ENTIRELY the fact I'm not a prep school kid from a rich family. I mean, honestly, that doesn't really matter to me, that I'm not from a "rich" family, but I feel like I wouldn't fit in. Or that it's not really the school for me. Or I'm not ambitious enough to go there. I don't even know.

I think I'm just anxious about it.

To be honest, I feel a little neglected. I feel like I haven't taken time to really do something special for myself. I should go shopping this weekend... except not... I want to save my money... UGH. I should maybe go to lunch at Panera by myself? Or with someone? Go to a movie? Ugh, again, saving money...

I do feel neglected, though, but I don't know by whom. I don't know, maybe it's weird, but I just feel like it'd be really nice if someone did something really special for me just randomly. Sometimes (and I feel guilty saying it) I feel like I'm such a nice person and I always do nice things and say nice things that it isn't really reciprocated. Weird, right? I know.

AW, CRAP. I need to get on that object essay sometime. I don't even need a draft until next week, but I need to get started. I should go to Barnes and Noble and pick up a copy of The Scarlet Letter. I was going to do the conch shell from Lord of the Flies, but I like The Scarlet Letter better. Honestly, though, I don't really want to do it at all because I'm just so stressed and angry and frustrated and depressed. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! headdesk.

Again, I feel like crap all over, which, if taken literally, would not be pleasant either, so the analogy seems to make sense.

I kinda feel like crying. I haven't cried in a while, so maybe it's built up. I wish I could just let loose and do the whole crazy sobbing thing, but I kind of can't. My dad would wake up, and I just don't like being asked questions when I'm crying. Or talked to by anyone except my mom, really.

I just feel really alone right now. Just in every way. Not just my weight loss thing (which I feel like is impossible, btw), but everything. I don't feel like there's anyone I can relate to. I think I'm just a failure at relationships. I may just be destined to be an old spinster who never became anything at all >_>