Soooo... I just totally snacked on some delicious garlic bread and ate way too much. Ugh. Fail. I just don't understand why I feel the need to eat when I'm not hungry. Granted, I did pretty good today, but I still gained some weight by my calculation.
Well, it depends on who I believe. I've tried four different calculators for my BMR or RMR or whatever and one I got 16-something, another I got 1726, another I got 18-something, and another I got 1930. What do I believe? Do I go for the lowest or the highest? UGH. I don't know what to do! I don't know how much I should eat... granted, I'm probably always going to eat too much, but BLAH. Weight loss is hard. Doesn't mean I'm going to stop, but it's just hard.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Day Thirteen
1 hot chocolate (250... I didn't finish it all, so it's about 250, I reckon)
1 piece of banana bread (200)
1 bagel (270)
1 chocolate milk (140)
1 apple (50)
1 chicken burger (350)
1 piece of garlic bread (gonna say 150)
2 Weight Watchers things (280)
1 WW dessert (250)
So, that's 1940 calories. 200 more than I really needed, but then I was moving around and burning calories... so... I don't know. But it's better than it's been this past weekend, lol. See? Optimism.
Oh, and so I wrote this letter to the editor a couple weeks ago because there had been a staff editorial making fun of Quidditch, so I was satirical and made fun of drama club. Apparently a lot of people thought I was serious, so I need to write another letter to the editor explaining satire. Er... telling them I was joking. Silly people.
And I'm singing at the Foodball (I'm assuming) assembly tomorrow. Nervous about that. Don't want to screw up. Must practice.
Edit: I lied! There's only 200 calories in the WW dessert! So that's only 1890 calories. WIN.
1 piece of banana bread (200)
1 bagel (270)
1 chocolate milk (140)
1 apple (50)
1 chicken burger (350)
1 piece of garlic bread (gonna say 150)
2 Weight Watchers things (280)
1 WW dessert (250)
So, that's 1940 calories. 200 more than I really needed, but then I was moving around and burning calories... so... I don't know. But it's better than it's been this past weekend, lol. See? Optimism.
Oh, and so I wrote this letter to the editor a couple weeks ago because there had been a staff editorial making fun of Quidditch, so I was satirical and made fun of drama club. Apparently a lot of people thought I was serious, so I need to write another letter to the editor explaining satire. Er... telling them I was joking. Silly people.
And I'm singing at the Foodball (I'm assuming) assembly tomorrow. Nervous about that. Don't want to screw up. Must practice.
Edit: I lied! There's only 200 calories in the WW dessert! So that's only 1890 calories. WIN.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Fooood
Lotsa cough drops
1 butter croissant (250?)
1 Petit Vanilla Scone (100?)
Siiiiiiick.
Also have been writing a story on facebook called "Her Royal Highness". Has been taking up much time. Ariana likes that, haha. :D Still. Siiiiick.
1 butter croissant (250?)
1 Petit Vanilla Scone (100?)
Siiiiiiick.
Also have been writing a story on facebook called "Her Royal Highness". Has been taking up much time. Ariana likes that, haha. :D Still. Siiiiick.
Day Twelve
UGH. I'm sick. It's all up in my head and my chest and my throat, and I have to go to work today. 1-5. It's going to be difficult, dealing with this and and doing all of the moving and lifting and existing that I have to do at work. Ugh. I don't really want to go, but I don't have any sick leave, and I'm already going to be missing a day (unpaid leave) because of Dramafest, so... I just feel like crap.
But I've eaten...
1 bowl of Top Ramen (with less than 1/4 of the seasoning)
Lots and lots of cough drops
1 bagel with 100 calories of butter (350 cal.)
But I've eaten...
1 bowl of Top Ramen (with less than 1/4 of the seasoning)
Lots and lots of cough drops
1 bagel with 100 calories of butter (350 cal.)
Friday, November 27, 2009
Leftovers!
Oooookay, lol, I so overdid it, and I'm starting to regret it a bit. I'm trying to not feel too bad because it IS the holidays and hardly anyone (except teh creepeh people) eats healthily, but I'm only one small person and I don't need that much, but gaaaawd do I want it.
... sexual innuendo, much? *headdesk*
I'm going to try and be better, though! You know, incorporate the leftovers, but try and keep my meals healthy. At least I have work tomorrow, so that's about four hours I won't be spending snacking on my mom's delicious stuffing (which is the best thing I've ever eaten in my whole life).
Eh... I don't really want to go to work tomorrow... lol.
So, day eleven... bad, lol.
... sexual innuendo, much? *headdesk*
I'm going to try and be better, though! You know, incorporate the leftovers, but try and keep my meals healthy. At least I have work tomorrow, so that's about four hours I won't be spending snacking on my mom's delicious stuffing (which is the best thing I've ever eaten in my whole life).
Eh... I don't really want to go to work tomorrow... lol.
So, day eleven... bad, lol.
Day Eleven
Okay, today is going to be difficult, too. We have a second Thanksgiving today with my grandma and my uncles, aunts, and cousins. Must prepare self.
However, here is my breakfast:
Turkey and egg omelette - 300
Lite yogurt - 80
Apple - 80
Crystal Lite - 10
470 calories so far. That leaves me 1300 for dinner. I can do this. I hope. Lol
However, here is my breakfast:
Turkey and egg omelette - 300
Lite yogurt - 80
Apple - 80
Crystal Lite - 10
470 calories so far. That leaves me 1300 for dinner. I can do this. I hope. Lol
Thursday, November 26, 2009
THANKSGIVING -- Day ten
So, I'm not even going to try to gauge my calories today... it's going to be bad, lol. I'm just going to try and make sure it's not disastrous. I don't feel that bad, though, lol. IT'S THANKSGIVING!
So, I want to list some things/people I'm thankful for:
- Chase Adams: we've been best friends for over a decade, and there's no one else I like spending time with more. I don't feel like I have to be anything except myself around him. And he's smart, so I don't feel like I'm deigning to be around him. We just like the same things, and we're creepily similar without being the same person. I just love the guy so much, and I can't imagine what my life would look like without him. When we're together, we feed off of each other's energy, and we become totally awesome people. WE DRESSED UP LIKE HOGWARTS STUDENTS, for heaven's sake! Who does that except us? And at school, too! Agh, we're so cool. I just love being around him. I never feel like I'm hogging the attention or being shoved into the shadows. It's a great friendship.
- Brienna Emmerich: we've been friends since I was in sixth grade, and she was there for me through the darkest times in my life. She makes me laugh, she totally understands me, and she's as zany and totally weird as I am. And she's this amazingly amazing photographer, and when I see her photos, I'm blown away by how awesome they are. Personally, her Fairy Tale series is my favorite.
- Annie Nelson: come on, it's Annie Nelson. She's so fricken awesome. And she sent me a message of weight loss tips and made the effort to reach out to me and help me when she's the one with cancer. How many people are so awesome? Yeah. I didn't think so. And she's so crazy smart. I love it when there are other smart girls around.
- All of my friends: there are way too many people in this category to talk about individually. But I hope it suffices that I love you all, that I'm thankful that I know you all, that you are all incredibly awesome people, and that we are all going to be such a force in history once we hit adulthood and we have influence and money and power.
- My family. Need more be said?
- My teachers. Honest to God, I love to learn. And my teachers are so intense. They are passionate about what they do, and they want us to learn. And from my teachers, I've learned so much, especially from Jackson, Clifford, Tomlisson, and Lucking, but also Goldhammer, Petroske, Breitbach... gosh, I've had so many wonderful teachers. They've all challenged me to be the best that I can be. I wouldn't be the person that I am today without these amazing individuals.
- My laptop. I love this thing more than I love most people. :)
- OLIVIA. We're losing weight together. We're awesome. WHAT MORE NEED I SAY?! :D
Happy thanksgiving, and eat delicious food without guilt! We have much to eat, therefore we must eat it! :D
So, I want to list some things/people I'm thankful for:
- Chase Adams: we've been best friends for over a decade, and there's no one else I like spending time with more. I don't feel like I have to be anything except myself around him. And he's smart, so I don't feel like I'm deigning to be around him. We just like the same things, and we're creepily similar without being the same person. I just love the guy so much, and I can't imagine what my life would look like without him. When we're together, we feed off of each other's energy, and we become totally awesome people. WE DRESSED UP LIKE HOGWARTS STUDENTS, for heaven's sake! Who does that except us? And at school, too! Agh, we're so cool. I just love being around him. I never feel like I'm hogging the attention or being shoved into the shadows. It's a great friendship.
- Brienna Emmerich: we've been friends since I was in sixth grade, and she was there for me through the darkest times in my life. She makes me laugh, she totally understands me, and she's as zany and totally weird as I am. And she's this amazingly amazing photographer, and when I see her photos, I'm blown away by how awesome they are. Personally, her Fairy Tale series is my favorite.
- Annie Nelson: come on, it's Annie Nelson. She's so fricken awesome. And she sent me a message of weight loss tips and made the effort to reach out to me and help me when she's the one with cancer. How many people are so awesome? Yeah. I didn't think so. And she's so crazy smart. I love it when there are other smart girls around.
- All of my friends: there are way too many people in this category to talk about individually. But I hope it suffices that I love you all, that I'm thankful that I know you all, that you are all incredibly awesome people, and that we are all going to be such a force in history once we hit adulthood and we have influence and money and power.
- My family. Need more be said?
- My teachers. Honest to God, I love to learn. And my teachers are so intense. They are passionate about what they do, and they want us to learn. And from my teachers, I've learned so much, especially from Jackson, Clifford, Tomlisson, and Lucking, but also Goldhammer, Petroske, Breitbach... gosh, I've had so many wonderful teachers. They've all challenged me to be the best that I can be. I wouldn't be the person that I am today without these amazing individuals.
- My laptop. I love this thing more than I love most people. :)
- OLIVIA. We're losing weight together. We're awesome. WHAT MORE NEED I SAY?! :D
Happy thanksgiving, and eat delicious food without guilt! We have much to eat, therefore we must eat it! :D
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
The rest of the food//ending thoughts
1 amazingly delicious sandwich -- probably 600/700 calories
1 Luna bar - 180 calories
Crystal Lite - 10 calories
2 Chewy bars - 180 calories
So, all in all, it all evens out, I think. I think I lost weight today because with all of that, I think I just exceeded my BMR by 100-200 calories, so with all of the calories I burnt today with school and walking and driving and doing my job, I think I might have lost around 300-400 (maybe even 500) calories. Sweet.
So, day nine: good.
1 Luna bar - 180 calories
Crystal Lite - 10 calories
2 Chewy bars - 180 calories
So, all in all, it all evens out, I think. I think I lost weight today because with all of that, I think I just exceeded my BMR by 100-200 calories, so with all of the calories I burnt today with school and walking and driving and doing my job, I think I might have lost around 300-400 (maybe even 500) calories. Sweet.
So, day nine: good.
AHH Must document this!
So, I just had the most boss idea. So, there are a lot of Mary Sue fanfictions out in the LOTR fandom, right? And most of them always "find solace in the woods" which is cheesy. BUT Henry David Thoreau found solace in the woods because of his Walden Pond thing. SO Thoreau gets plopped into Middle Earth, lol. I think he'd like being with the elves. He and Legolas would get along well because they're both all about the peace of the woods and simply being.
Ha, I should write that someday.
Ha, I should write that someday.
Ways I Am Awesome
Here's my daily dose of giving-myself-positive-thoughts:
- I'm starring in a play for Dramafest that I wrote
- I was asked to speak at the MLK assembly
- I have a job, and I make hecka lot of money. And it's MY money.
- I got amazingly high scores on the SAT and Subject tests.
- I actually love writing essays and analyzing literature.
- I have an obsession with the beauty of the human body.
- I know all of the words to all of the songs in A Very Potter Musical
- I'm always on facebook
- I take literature very seriously
- I LIKE to read deep, insightful novels (e.g. AP literature)
- History is both cool and fun to me.
- I love singing classical music more than I love pop music.
- I drink a lot of tea. And Crystal Lite, now.
- I have integrity.
- I have morals.
- I have high standards for myself.
- I love laughing.
- I love being up in front of people, and it's no sweat to me.
- I wrote an amazing speech for the MLK assembly.
- I'm very mature.
- I'm me. Isn't that enough? :P
So yeah. Just some positivity to get me through the rest of the day.
Hrm, must go find something to eat soon. I have about 900 more calories I can eat today, so I'm thinking: Luna bar and then get pizza delivered (we just cleaned almost all of our dishes, lol) which I estimate to be about... 800 calories? Because I want a personal pizza, not a whole thing) and drink lots and lots of Crystal Lite, which translates to about 15 calories. And then I have work where I'm on my feet the entire time, walking and stretching up and bending down and pushing a heavy cart, so that's calories burnt, so I should be able to eat a snack once I'm home at 9pm and call it a good day.
This whole losing weight thing is really hard, and just because I'm pretty positive right now doesn't mean that won't change in, oh, ten minutes? Lol. But yeah.
OH! And Blake Parker and I are going to go see The Blind Side together on Sunday and grab dinner and be sexy and awesome together! I LOVE being sexy and awesome with Blake Parker! :D
- I'm starring in a play for Dramafest that I wrote
- I was asked to speak at the MLK assembly
- I have a job, and I make hecka lot of money. And it's MY money.
- I got amazingly high scores on the SAT and Subject tests.
- I actually love writing essays and analyzing literature.
- I have an obsession with the beauty of the human body.
- I know all of the words to all of the songs in A Very Potter Musical
- I'm always on facebook
- I take literature very seriously
- I LIKE to read deep, insightful novels (e.g. AP literature)
- History is both cool and fun to me.
- I love singing classical music more than I love pop music.
- I drink a lot of tea. And Crystal Lite, now.
- I have integrity.
- I have morals.
- I have high standards for myself.
- I love laughing.
- I love being up in front of people, and it's no sweat to me.
- I wrote an amazing speech for the MLK assembly.
- I'm very mature.
- I'm me. Isn't that enough? :P
So yeah. Just some positivity to get me through the rest of the day.
Hrm, must go find something to eat soon. I have about 900 more calories I can eat today, so I'm thinking: Luna bar and then get pizza delivered (we just cleaned almost all of our dishes, lol) which I estimate to be about... 800 calories? Because I want a personal pizza, not a whole thing) and drink lots and lots of Crystal Lite, which translates to about 15 calories. And then I have work where I'm on my feet the entire time, walking and stretching up and bending down and pushing a heavy cart, so that's calories burnt, so I should be able to eat a snack once I'm home at 9pm and call it a good day.
This whole losing weight thing is really hard, and just because I'm pretty positive right now doesn't mean that won't change in, oh, ten minutes? Lol. But yeah.
OH! And Blake Parker and I are going to go see The Blind Side together on Sunday and grab dinner and be sexy and awesome together! I LOVE being sexy and awesome with Blake Parker! :D
Day Nine - Food
1 apple - 80
1 Luna bar - 180
1 Crystal Lite - 10
1 Bacon & Eggs thing - 300
1 apple - 80
1 Chewy bar - 90
1 cheese - 50
(edit: I also ate a 74-calorie roll, so that would be 864, not 790)
790 calories so far. I feel like I've forgotten some. Oh well. This is a rough estimate of what I've eaten so far. Therefore, I can have just under 1000 calories for the rest of the day because of my BMR, but I can probably have more because I've burnt calories going to school, driving, etc. So I'm shooting for about 1000 more calories today because I think we're going to have Subway, and I'm going to have a totally delicious turkey sandwich with lots of veggies.
I also have about forty-and-some dollars to spend because of the money I didn't put into my checking account at the bank. I need to decide what to spend it on. I need to buy Chase a gift (I only ever buy him a gift; I like him the best, LOL), but other than that, it's myyyy money, hehe. And I'm also going to get paid again soon.
Speaking of which, lol, ugh, I have to work tonight. BUT that is burning calories, and we like that. And it's only three hours. I'm trying to look on the bright side of life (do-doo-do-doo-do-do-do-doo!) hehe. And people mostly leave me alone, and I've figured out that I like my job a whole lot better when I don't just do entire sections. I like it better if I grab some adult fiction, some biographies, some teen fiction, and some non-fiction instead of just doing ALL of the non-fiction I can fit onto the cart. If you're reading this and free tonight, you should come visit me -- I work at the Snoqualmie Library, up on the ridge. Woo! Money! <3
1 Luna bar - 180
1 Crystal Lite - 10
1 Bacon & Eggs thing - 300
1 apple - 80
1 Chewy bar - 90
1 cheese - 50
(edit: I also ate a 74-calorie roll, so that would be 864, not 790)
790 calories so far. I feel like I've forgotten some. Oh well. This is a rough estimate of what I've eaten so far. Therefore, I can have just under 1000 calories for the rest of the day because of my BMR, but I can probably have more because I've burnt calories going to school, driving, etc. So I'm shooting for about 1000 more calories today because I think we're going to have Subway, and I'm going to have a totally delicious turkey sandwich with lots of veggies.
I also have about forty-and-some dollars to spend because of the money I didn't put into my checking account at the bank. I need to decide what to spend it on. I need to buy Chase a gift (I only ever buy him a gift; I like him the best, LOL), but other than that, it's myyyy money, hehe. And I'm also going to get paid again soon.
Speaking of which, lol, ugh, I have to work tonight. BUT that is burning calories, and we like that. And it's only three hours. I'm trying to look on the bright side of life (do-doo-do-doo-do-do-do-doo!) hehe. And people mostly leave me alone, and I've figured out that I like my job a whole lot better when I don't just do entire sections. I like it better if I grab some adult fiction, some biographies, some teen fiction, and some non-fiction instead of just doing ALL of the non-fiction I can fit onto the cart. If you're reading this and free tonight, you should come visit me -- I work at the Snoqualmie Library, up on the ridge. Woo! Money! <3
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Food
Dinner - mashed potatoes with cream of chicken soup and sliced chicken on top (400?)
One roll (74)
5 calories of Crystal Lite
AGGGGGGH. I want another roll! I LOVE ROLLS so much. You have no idea. And these seem to be especially delicious! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I want to be skinny but I don't want to be hungry... these stupid decisions I have to make. I need to find time to exercise. *headdesk* I'm discouraged.
One roll (74)
5 calories of Crystal Lite
AGGGGGGH. I want another roll! I LOVE ROLLS so much. You have no idea. And these seem to be especially delicious! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I want to be skinny but I don't want to be hungry... these stupid decisions I have to make. I need to find time to exercise. *headdesk* I'm discouraged.
More food
2 rolls - 148
1 Lite yogurt - 80
Crystal Lite - 5
232 more calories. I've eaten 1100 already (I think), so that's 1332 calories. I burn 1726 for my base metabolic rate, so I can eat dinner without going much over. BUT today I've burnt a lot of calories because we were dancing in drama (cha-cha slide anyone?) and I walked around the mall for a while and I've done other stuff.
496 - six hours of sleeping today
496 - school
63 - showering
260 - mall walking
157 - driving
70 - shopping
That's 1542 calories burnt. So, if I eat 468 calories for dinner (I'll probably go over, let's be honest), I will have burnt 358 today. Hrm, that doesn't seem like a lot, though. Oh well! It's still weight loss. Ugh, hard facts are difficult to deal with because I want to believe I'm doing more than I am. *sigh* Now I'm sad! :( When I think, bad things happen, see?! lol.
1 Lite yogurt - 80
Crystal Lite - 5
232 more calories. I've eaten 1100 already (I think), so that's 1332 calories. I burn 1726 for my base metabolic rate, so I can eat dinner without going much over. BUT today I've burnt a lot of calories because we were dancing in drama (cha-cha slide anyone?) and I walked around the mall for a while and I've done other stuff.
496 - six hours of sleeping today
496 - school
63 - showering
260 - mall walking
157 - driving
70 - shopping
That's 1542 calories burnt. So, if I eat 468 calories for dinner (I'll probably go over, let's be honest), I will have burnt 358 today. Hrm, that doesn't seem like a lot, though. Oh well! It's still weight loss. Ugh, hard facts are difficult to deal with because I want to believe I'm doing more than I am. *sigh* Now I'm sad! :( When I think, bad things happen, see?! lol.
Food So Far -- Day Eight
1 yogurt
1 cheese
1 apple
1 Luna bar
1 90-calorie Chewy bar
Beef jerky (probably 250 calories)
1 Subway sandwich with turkey, lettuce, tomatoes, and cucumbers (300)
1 apple
10 calories of Crystal Lite
So, I FINALLY GOT MY PAYCHECK TODAY! WOO! First paycheck! So, I have some money to spend and some money in the bank. And now I opened a checking account so I'll have a debit card which I will not use frequently. Because I need to be responsible with my money. I'm saving a lot of money for college; I'll need it, lol.
Oh, and (not to brag, except very much to brag) I GOT MY SAT SUBJECT TEST SCORES BACK! I took Literature and US History, and I got a 790 on literature and 760 on history. WHOOT! Christina, ftw.
I feel so awesome right now. And I'm doing pretty well, food wise. And I walked at the mall, taking no short-cuts, so I walked for about forty minutes. Also, I'm going to be cleaning the house and doing laundry and stuff, so that's calories I'm going to be burning there. Right now, CAUTIOUSLY optimistic, but I don't expect it to last. <-- Would that be considered optimism, even? Or pessimism? Lol, I can't tell.
1 cheese
1 apple
1 Luna bar
1 90-calorie Chewy bar
Beef jerky (probably 250 calories)
1 Subway sandwich with turkey, lettuce, tomatoes, and cucumbers (300)
1 apple
10 calories of Crystal Lite
So, I FINALLY GOT MY PAYCHECK TODAY! WOO! First paycheck! So, I have some money to spend and some money in the bank. And now I opened a checking account so I'll have a debit card which I will not use frequently. Because I need to be responsible with my money. I'm saving a lot of money for college; I'll need it, lol.
Oh, and (not to brag, except very much to brag) I GOT MY SAT SUBJECT TEST SCORES BACK! I took Literature and US History, and I got a 790 on literature and 760 on history. WHOOT! Christina, ftw.
I feel so awesome right now. And I'm doing pretty well, food wise. And I walked at the mall, taking no short-cuts, so I walked for about forty minutes. Also, I'm going to be cleaning the house and doing laundry and stuff, so that's calories I'm going to be burning there. Right now, CAUTIOUSLY optimistic, but I don't expect it to last. <-- Would that be considered optimism, even? Or pessimism? Lol, I can't tell.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Day Seven -Failure!
Ugh, I don't think I'm meant to be skinny sometimes. This is just really, really hard, harder than (I guess) I thought it would be. And sometimes, it's like, what's the point? I don't have the commitment to do this, I'm not committed enough to work out a lot and severely cut down what I'm eating. And I know I'm not going to lose a lot of weight, and I'm not going to lose quickly, so what's the point of trying? It's not like I have anyone to impress. It's not like I'm going to be anything anyway, so I don't need to look good for it.
It's just hard, you know? I see all of these girls around me who are just naturally skinny or have been skinny all of their lives, and it's hard because I'm not like that. I got myself into this situation, and it doesn't even matter what propelled my eating when I was a kid because now I'm screwed and I have to find a way to get myself out of this hole, but I don't even know if I want to or if I REALLY want to enough to try.
And part of me's pissed that I'm not good at this, that THIS doesn't come easy to me naturally. A lot of other things seem to, and I just don't think I'm used to working hard for anything. I feel like a failure, to be honest, just because I ate more than I should have. How pathetic is that? And Lauren, my friend (Annie, too), is giving me all of these tips and suggestions, and it's like, I don't want to do that. I'm too lazy. I'd rather just be on the couch all afternoon and evening.
But with an attitude like that, of course this weight is never going to go away. But come on! I have at least fifty pounds to lose. I don't think I've ever consciously lost a pound in my life. And it's really hard because my family has really bad eating habits, too, and no one in my family (except me, and I'm QUITE sporadic in my very gentle exercise) exercises, so I have no example, and I have no one to work out with anyway. And none of my family is really on board with this, so I'm really going it alone, even though Olivia's losing weight with me. She doesn't live with me (because I'm pretty sure it's Steve who lives under my bed).
I just don't know how to live healthily and eat right. I have just really bad habits, and those seventeen years of bad habits is against little ol' me and my will. I don't think my will is strong enough to beat those seventeen years. But it's like, this is not what I want to look like for the rest of my life. I don't want to be a size 16 for the rest of my life. That's not healthy for my height.
But I just don't know what to do. I'm completely self-motivated here, and if I don't want to work out or be active, then I'm not going to do it, if I can't convince myself. I'm just really kinda weak and pathetic.
I just don't know if I want to lose this weight enough. I felt like I was starting my life over even just a few hours ago, and now I've lost that feeling. I just hate how I look. I don't look good. And I don't love myself or the way I look. And I DO want to lose weight. I want to look better. But... I just don't know how to.
And I know, I know, excuses, excuses, but they're all I got. At least I HAVE a brain, and I'm not just getting through life with a smokin' hot body. Granted, though, I'd really like one of those.
AND UGH. Thanksgiving is going to kill me.
Why am I even bothering? *headdesk*
It's just hard, you know? I see all of these girls around me who are just naturally skinny or have been skinny all of their lives, and it's hard because I'm not like that. I got myself into this situation, and it doesn't even matter what propelled my eating when I was a kid because now I'm screwed and I have to find a way to get myself out of this hole, but I don't even know if I want to or if I REALLY want to enough to try.
And part of me's pissed that I'm not good at this, that THIS doesn't come easy to me naturally. A lot of other things seem to, and I just don't think I'm used to working hard for anything. I feel like a failure, to be honest, just because I ate more than I should have. How pathetic is that? And Lauren, my friend (Annie, too), is giving me all of these tips and suggestions, and it's like, I don't want to do that. I'm too lazy. I'd rather just be on the couch all afternoon and evening.
But with an attitude like that, of course this weight is never going to go away. But come on! I have at least fifty pounds to lose. I don't think I've ever consciously lost a pound in my life. And it's really hard because my family has really bad eating habits, too, and no one in my family (except me, and I'm QUITE sporadic in my very gentle exercise) exercises, so I have no example, and I have no one to work out with anyway. And none of my family is really on board with this, so I'm really going it alone, even though Olivia's losing weight with me. She doesn't live with me (because I'm pretty sure it's Steve who lives under my bed).
I just don't know how to live healthily and eat right. I have just really bad habits, and those seventeen years of bad habits is against little ol' me and my will. I don't think my will is strong enough to beat those seventeen years. But it's like, this is not what I want to look like for the rest of my life. I don't want to be a size 16 for the rest of my life. That's not healthy for my height.
But I just don't know what to do. I'm completely self-motivated here, and if I don't want to work out or be active, then I'm not going to do it, if I can't convince myself. I'm just really kinda weak and pathetic.
I just don't know if I want to lose this weight enough. I felt like I was starting my life over even just a few hours ago, and now I've lost that feeling. I just hate how I look. I don't look good. And I don't love myself or the way I look. And I DO want to lose weight. I want to look better. But... I just don't know how to.
And I know, I know, excuses, excuses, but they're all I got. At least I HAVE a brain, and I'm not just getting through life with a smokin' hot body. Granted, though, I'd really like one of those.
AND UGH. Thanksgiving is going to kill me.
Why am I even bothering? *headdesk*
Dinner
2 bowls of mashed potatoes
(the second bowl had eight pieces of boneless, skinless chicken in it)
UGH. I feel like crap. I did horribly today. I just keep eating.
(the second bowl had eight pieces of boneless, skinless chicken in it)
UGH. I feel like crap. I did horribly today. I just keep eating.
Pessimism
UGH. So... I was all excited. But then I realized I was eating way more calories than I thought I was with these little snacks throughout the day. Granted, I don't have any real idea how many calories I'm burning, I think I burn 1800 just because of my body digesting and breathing and stuff, so I haven't lost any weight unless I do exercise. UGH. Now I'm all frustrated and angry. Why can't I just eat less? I mean, I know that if I go all the way down to 1200 calories, my body will go into starvation mode and won't lose weight because it'll think I'm starving, but UGH.
I just thought I was doing better than I am. And I just got myself with all of these raised hopes, and I should be more realistic, and it's GOING to be a lot of hard work, but still... Maybe I'm being ridiculous, but it's a little saddening. Never mind, I burn 1726 calories without doing anything on top of it. THAT'S EVEN WORSE. I hate being short...
WAIT. WAIT. I'm computing my calories burnt. This might make me feel better.
284 - watching 3 hrs of TV (that's not counting my irregular exercise during)
181 - walking forty minutes (I'm counting the hour of standing in choir as part of that walking)
284 - 3 hrs of watching teachers (that's like TV)
749 calories burnt approx. If I've eaten 1800 today but burnt 749, that means I'm keeping 1151 calories. But I burn 1726 calories just living, so that means I have 500 and some change that I've burnt in total. That's really good. So if I eat dinner and watch some more TV and exercise and run up and down the stairs a couple times, I'll probably have burnt 400 calories. UGH. Not good enough! I want to lose more weight!! Nowwwww [/whine]
I can't believe I'm getting so discouraged, but I am. :( I don't even need encouragement right now, I just need to be better at this weight loss stuff. I just fail badly sometimes.
Not to mention that I forgot a Luna bar that I ate, I think. UGH. *headdesk*
I just thought I was doing better than I am. And I just got myself with all of these raised hopes, and I should be more realistic, and it's GOING to be a lot of hard work, but still... Maybe I'm being ridiculous, but it's a little saddening. Never mind, I burn 1726 calories without doing anything on top of it. THAT'S EVEN WORSE. I hate being short...
WAIT. WAIT. I'm computing my calories burnt. This might make me feel better.
284 - watching 3 hrs of TV (that's not counting my irregular exercise during)
181 - walking forty minutes (I'm counting the hour of standing in choir as part of that walking)
284 - 3 hrs of watching teachers (that's like TV)
749 calories burnt approx. If I've eaten 1800 today but burnt 749, that means I'm keeping 1151 calories. But I burn 1726 calories just living, so that means I have 500 and some change that I've burnt in total. That's really good. So if I eat dinner and watch some more TV and exercise and run up and down the stairs a couple times, I'll probably have burnt 400 calories. UGH. Not good enough! I want to lose more weight!! Nowwwww [/whine]
I can't believe I'm getting so discouraged, but I am. :( I don't even need encouragement right now, I just need to be better at this weight loss stuff. I just fail badly sometimes.
Not to mention that I forgot a Luna bar that I ate, I think. UGH. *headdesk*
MOTIVATIOOOOOOON
1. When I've lost weight, I can wear shorter skirts without being so ashamed.
2. When I've lost weight, I can wear whatever shirt I want
3. When I've lost weight, I can wear a smaller size.
4. I will be able to feel more able to dance around and be in theater productions without feeling so self-conscious.
5. I'll be able to shop and be happy with the way I look.
6. I'll be happy with the way I look on the outside.
7. I'll be able to wear skinny jeans.
8. My legs will be leaner.
9. My face will be thinner.
10. My bust will be more obvious with a thinner stomach.
11. My body will better fit my petite frame.
12. Those little suit-ish jackets will fit my new slender frame.
13. Boys will be able to give me piggy back rides, and I won't be worried about whether I'll break them.
14. My future boyfriend will be able to carry me in his arms, bridal-style, and swing me around.
15. Shorts will fit my legs and won't make my thighs look like sausages.
16. I won't have a severe case of muffin-top.
17. When I jump up and down, not as much will jiggle.
18. I'LL BE ABLE TO WEAR A BIKINI.
19. I won't be ashamed to go to the beach/go swimming.
20. I'll get admiring looks from guys.
21. I'll feel more like the leading lady in my own life, as opposed to the best-friend.
22. Dancing will be more fun for me, less of a chance to embarrass myself.
23. Tight clothes will look better on me.
24. I'll have more of a defined hourglass shape.
25. My prom dress will look GORGEOUS on me.
26. I'll look like a million bucks!
And all I have to do for ALL of that is to cut down on what I eat and eat healthier things! I CAN DO THIS. I AM POWERFUL. WOOOOO!
Dessert... or all of that?
Fourteen rolls... or all of that?
Yessssss.
2. When I've lost weight, I can wear whatever shirt I want
3. When I've lost weight, I can wear a smaller size.
4. I will be able to feel more able to dance around and be in theater productions without feeling so self-conscious.
5. I'll be able to shop and be happy with the way I look.
6. I'll be happy with the way I look on the outside.
7. I'll be able to wear skinny jeans.
8. My legs will be leaner.
9. My face will be thinner.
10. My bust will be more obvious with a thinner stomach.
11. My body will better fit my petite frame.
12. Those little suit-ish jackets will fit my new slender frame.
13. Boys will be able to give me piggy back rides, and I won't be worried about whether I'll break them.
14. My future boyfriend will be able to carry me in his arms, bridal-style, and swing me around.
15. Shorts will fit my legs and won't make my thighs look like sausages.
16. I won't have a severe case of muffin-top.
17. When I jump up and down, not as much will jiggle.
18. I'LL BE ABLE TO WEAR A BIKINI.
19. I won't be ashamed to go to the beach/go swimming.
20. I'll get admiring looks from guys.
21. I'll feel more like the leading lady in my own life, as opposed to the best-friend.
22. Dancing will be more fun for me, less of a chance to embarrass myself.
23. Tight clothes will look better on me.
24. I'll have more of a defined hourglass shape.
25. My prom dress will look GORGEOUS on me.
26. I'll look like a million bucks!
And all I have to do for ALL of that is to cut down on what I eat and eat healthier things! I CAN DO THIS. I AM POWERFUL. WOOOOO!
Dessert... or all of that?
Fourteen rolls... or all of that?
Yessssss.
More Tyra Health Stuff
DON'T go hungry during the day before a party/big dinner. A snack or low-fat cheese beforehand.
Wear something fitted, be aware of your body to make sure you don't eat too much
Drink water before you start eating
Before going shopping all day, eat a protein-packed meal (scrambled eggs, etc)
Leftovers: veggies for eggs in morning (anything in eggs, turkey even!)
Other stuff at tyrashow.com! :D
Wear something fitted, be aware of your body to make sure you don't eat too much
Drink water before you start eating
Before going shopping all day, eat a protein-packed meal (scrambled eggs, etc)
Leftovers: veggies for eggs in morning (anything in eggs, turkey even!)
Other stuff at tyrashow.com! :D
Tyra's Healthier Choices
Watching Tyra, jotting down things she says:
It's hard to be healthy because it's colder, so many parties, gotta eat.
Hard to make good choices during holidays.
MAIN DISHES:
Turkey with skin
Roast beef
Honey baked ham
Best out of these: Roast beef
Normal ham and roast beef are okay
Turkey WITHOUT skin is the best
SIDES:
Skip creamy mashed potatoes (headdesk)
Carrot souffle
Green bean casserole
Candied sweet potatoes
Best: Green bean casserole
My suggestion: maybe don't eat the onions, scrap them off
1 cup for g.b.c. - 250
Others 1 cup - 400
HOT DRINKS:
Apple cider
Hot chocolate
Egg nog
Best: Apple cider
Small HC w/ fat free milk = apple cider
DESSERT:
Pecan pie
Lemon meringue pie
Pumpkin pie
Best: pumpkin pie
Lowest in calories. Pecan pie 90% calories from fat
CANDY:
Candy cane
Gingerbread man
Fruitcake
Best: candy cane
---
I feel really happy that I was watching Tyra right at the moment this came on! I'm so glad I saved this, too, instead of just watching it -- Olivia, you may thank me with Galactic credits or baked goods. Wait... those aren't too healthy. Just bow obsequiously whenever you see me. That'll work :P
It's hard to be healthy because it's colder, so many parties, gotta eat.
Hard to make good choices during holidays.
MAIN DISHES:
Turkey with skin
Roast beef
Honey baked ham
Best out of these: Roast beef
Normal ham and roast beef are okay
Turkey WITHOUT skin is the best
SIDES:
Skip creamy mashed potatoes (headdesk)
Carrot souffle
Green bean casserole
Candied sweet potatoes
Best: Green bean casserole
My suggestion: maybe don't eat the onions, scrap them off
1 cup for g.b.c. - 250
Others 1 cup - 400
HOT DRINKS:
Apple cider
Hot chocolate
Egg nog
Best: Apple cider
Small HC w/ fat free milk = apple cider
DESSERT:
Pecan pie
Lemon meringue pie
Pumpkin pie
Best: pumpkin pie
Lowest in calories. Pecan pie 90% calories from fat
CANDY:
Candy cane
Gingerbread man
Fruitcake
Best: candy cane
---
I feel really happy that I was watching Tyra right at the moment this came on! I'm so glad I saved this, too, instead of just watching it -- Olivia, you may thank me with Galactic credits or baked goods. Wait... those aren't too healthy. Just bow obsequiously whenever you see me. That'll work :P
Yet another snack
(My formatting for this post got all messed up because of the pictures... oh well. It's all there, lol)
Man, I'm just starving today for whatever reason. Maybe because I've been having rather tiny "meals". Well, whatever, as long as it's healthy, it's better than digging the junk food. I wonder what we're having for dinner... we should have steak again. That was amazing last night, I'm not even kidding, it was probably the greatest steak I've ever consumed, and I love steak. <3 1 raspberry yogurt Some grapes 9 crackers (that's about 120 calories, yess) 1 triangle of Laughing Cow Garlic and Herb spreadable cheese <3 I'm feeling pretty optimistic. The amazingly amazing Annie Nelson sent me some weight loss tips, and just getting that PM on facebook totally made my day. She's so awesome... to live up to her level of awesomeness is unattainable, but to hope to be just 1% like her is... well, SOMEWHAT within my range of capability. :D OH!!! I almost forgot. I'm gonna post some pictures on my "thinspirations". 1. Bridget Regan (Kahlan, Legend of the Seeker) 2. Kelly Clarkson 3. Michelle Obama 4. The girl from Cascada
What I like about all of these women is that they're not uber skinny little models. I will NEVER look like a supermodel, and I'm okay with that! I don't want to look like that. I have an hourglass figure... or at least I will, once all of this stuff comes off. And so do these women. Bridget Regan is sooooooososooo beautiful! If I could look like anyone, I'd want to look like her. AND this picture has her by the incomparably sexy CRAIG HORNER. He is a fabulous actor, and he's really handsome. I <3 him. And then there's Kelly Clarkson. I've always loved her, and I love how she's not uber skinny either! I love her figure. And then there's Michelle Obama. Come on, the EPITOME of an hourglass. And the girl from Cascada is the same way. I hope to someday have a figure that will rival these amazingly beautiful women's! Looking at them, now, doesn't really depress me and make me feel that this is impossible. Looking at them, I realize that I CAN look like them. It'll just take work. Work is hard sometimes, but it's worth it.
Lol, I just looked at the clock and it says 2:45. We have half-days for school, and it kills me because I'm usually at home, sitting on the computer, snacking, like I am right now at around 4:00-4:30. This is quite nice! CHRISTINA LIKES THIS. *thumbs up*
Man, I'm just starving today for whatever reason. Maybe because I've been having rather tiny "meals". Well, whatever, as long as it's healthy, it's better than digging the junk food. I wonder what we're having for dinner... we should have steak again. That was amazing last night, I'm not even kidding, it was probably the greatest steak I've ever consumed, and I love steak. <3 1 raspberry yogurt Some grapes 9 crackers (that's about 120 calories, yess) 1 triangle of Laughing Cow Garlic and Herb spreadable cheese <3 I'm feeling pretty optimistic. The amazingly amazing Annie Nelson sent me some weight loss tips, and just getting that PM on facebook totally made my day. She's so awesome... to live up to her level of awesomeness is unattainable, but to hope to be just 1% like her is... well, SOMEWHAT within my range of capability. :D OH!!! I almost forgot. I'm gonna post some pictures on my "thinspirations". 1. Bridget Regan (Kahlan, Legend of the Seeker) 2. Kelly Clarkson 3. Michelle Obama 4. The girl from Cascada
What I like about all of these women is that they're not uber skinny little models. I will NEVER look like a supermodel, and I'm okay with that! I don't want to look like that. I have an hourglass figure... or at least I will, once all of this stuff comes off. And so do these women. Bridget Regan is sooooooososooo beautiful! If I could look like anyone, I'd want to look like her. AND this picture has her by the incomparably sexy CRAIG HORNER. He is a fabulous actor, and he's really handsome. I <3 him. And then there's Kelly Clarkson. I've always loved her, and I love how she's not uber skinny either! I love her figure. And then there's Michelle Obama. Come on, the EPITOME of an hourglass. And the girl from Cascada is the same way. I hope to someday have a figure that will rival these amazingly beautiful women's! Looking at them, now, doesn't really depress me and make me feel that this is impossible. Looking at them, I realize that I CAN look like them. It'll just take work. Work is hard sometimes, but it's worth it.
Lol, I just looked at the clock and it says 2:45. We have half-days for school, and it kills me because I'm usually at home, sitting on the computer, snacking, like I am right now at around 4:00-4:30. This is quite nice! CHRISTINA LIKES THIS. *thumbs up*
DAAAAY SEVEN! (one week.)
Yeeeeah, it's been one week, and my dedication to this cause is totally tight. I'm feeling pretty good, but I also just had a totally boss voice lesson, and my voice doesn't fail! THIS IS GOOD! But I also took an AP Euro History test... and I kinda sucked, lol. But it all balances out in my favor, as I'm doing quite well with the food thing! YESSS. Epic win.
What I've eaten so far:
1 cherry yogurt
1 raspberry yogurt
2 Babybel cheese rounds
2 "Caramel Nut Brownie" Luna bars
1 Rice Krispy treat (Arianne made them for Munchie Monday in Tomilsson's class)
1 8 oz. glass of orange juice
(This is breakfast plus the lunch/snack I'm eating right now. I think it's more of a snack, really. So I'll probably have another one of the same size a bit later. My tummy's rumblin', though; must go eat!)
What I've eaten so far:
1 cherry yogurt
1 raspberry yogurt
2 Babybel cheese rounds
2 "Caramel Nut Brownie" Luna bars
1 Rice Krispy treat (Arianne made them for Munchie Monday in Tomilsson's class)
1 8 oz. glass of orange juice
(This is breakfast plus the lunch/snack I'm eating right now. I think it's more of a snack, really. So I'll probably have another one of the same size a bit later. My tummy's rumblin', though; must go eat!)
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Snackz
So, my dad and I watched The Legend of the Seeker (our FAVORITE TV show; it's brill) and I had a bit of a snack:
1 cherry yogurt
1 Babybel cheese round
1 roll
Overall, however, I think I did very well today! I am pleased, and Day Six is a success. And tomorrow, I'll be at school for a while, so I can't snack/eat there. :D
1 cherry yogurt
1 Babybel cheese round
1 roll
Overall, however, I think I did very well today! I am pleased, and Day Six is a success. And tomorrow, I'll be at school for a while, so I can't snack/eat there. :D
Dinner!!
I had:
1 pretty large steak
1 scoop of Chicken and Herb Rice-a-Roni
1 salad-plateful of mixed vegetables
1 roll
1 large glass of fat-free milk
WIN!
And my dad bought a ton more yogurt so I can have one for a dessert a bit later, maybe right before bed so I quiet all of my late-night cravings. But I am full, but I don't think I ate too much. The steak was delicioussssss. I love food! I'm cautiously optimistic for today. Hrm, this episode of Without a Trace is inspiring me to write cute family fics :) Perhaps I shall!
... should really work on my Avatar Zutara fic. Except I've never HAD a baby so this whole Katara-having-a-baby deal is sooo not working out. I have no idea how to write it. Should ask Carmela. She'll know what to do. Yaaaaay betas!
1 pretty large steak
1 scoop of Chicken and Herb Rice-a-Roni
1 salad-plateful of mixed vegetables
1 roll
1 large glass of fat-free milk
WIN!
And my dad bought a ton more yogurt so I can have one for a dessert a bit later, maybe right before bed so I quiet all of my late-night cravings. But I am full, but I don't think I ate too much. The steak was delicioussssss. I love food! I'm cautiously optimistic for today. Hrm, this episode of Without a Trace is inspiring me to write cute family fics :) Perhaps I shall!
... should really work on my Avatar Zutara fic. Except I've never HAD a baby so this whole Katara-having-a-baby deal is sooo not working out. I have no idea how to write it. Should ask Carmela. She'll know what to do. Yaaaaay betas!
Almost Dinner Time
So, tonight we're having steak and rice and veggies. I'm going to keep my portions of rice down, but steak is protein and that's very good for one's body, and the veggies are going to be a big part of my meal. I just love steak, and it's good for you, so I'm not going to limit that as much as I limited by lasagna last night. Oh, and I'm only going to have one or two rolls, without butter. I'm also going to have a tall glass of milk (fat-free, of course, I only like the taste of it).
I think I'm going to do really well today. Hopefully it will be a success?
Also, note to self: call Snoqualmie Library tomorrow, ask Sadie what happened to my paycheck, lol.
I think I'm going to do really well today. Hopefully it will be a success?
Also, note to self: call Snoqualmie Library tomorrow, ask Sadie what happened to my paycheck, lol.
I'm Weak :(
I caved and had...
1 Luna "Caramel Nut Brownie" bar
3 Safeway chocolate chip cookies
Because I'm weak and they're delicious and I'm on my period. It's understandable. Hormone imbalances and all cause cravings.
1 Luna "Caramel Nut Brownie" bar
3 Safeway chocolate chip cookies
Because I'm weak and they're delicious and I'm on my period. It's understandable. Hormone imbalances and all cause cravings.
Unfair Double Standards
You know what really bothers me about commercials? All of the ones having to do with grocery shopping or cleaning or health have women in them. Do men not clean or do grocery shopping? It just bothers me because it's like women's work to do those things, and that women NEED to do the whole health thing and get skinnier and stuff.
And also, I hate how the soccer player from New Mexico, the girl who played really rough, is getting all of this targeting. I think it's an unfair double standard. Men play rough all of the time. It's not right if you're a man or a woman, but men play rough all of the time. It's an expected part of the game. And if anyone is especially rough, they're just red-carded or suspended and no one hears about it. But a girl does it, and she gets targeted, and all of this criticism gets heaped onto her. What's with that?
But yeah, I needed to get that out. Thanks for listening :D
And also, I hate how the soccer player from New Mexico, the girl who played really rough, is getting all of this targeting. I think it's an unfair double standard. Men play rough all of the time. It's not right if you're a man or a woman, but men play rough all of the time. It's an expected part of the game. And if anyone is especially rough, they're just red-carded or suspended and no one hears about it. But a girl does it, and she gets targeted, and all of this criticism gets heaped onto her. What's with that?
But yeah, I needed to get that out. Thanks for listening :D
Exercise, pt. 2
So... this whole exercising thing is depressing me a bit. I did one minute of pretending to be jumping rope and then one minute of jumping jacks, and I was out of breath. I'm so out of shape that it's borderline pathetic. I'm loath to admit it, but I'm a bit out into the abyss of being pathetic. [/emo]
(You see how much of an emotional rollercoaster this is going to be for me. One second, I'm on cloud nine because I feel like I can do this, the next I'm disheartened. Ugh.)
I'm trying to do some easier ones (ones that don't trigger my asthma), and it's sort of helping my mood, I guess. I think I have a complex where I have to do everything really well all of the time. It just bugs me when I don't do well at everything. It's not a really obsessive thing, where I lose sleep over the fact I didn't get the best score on a test, but it does bother me that exercising is hard for me. I'm just taking BABY STEPS, and even those baby steps are hard for me. It's depressing.
So far, I've done jumping jacks, pretending like I'm jumping rope, some stretches, clenching my tummy and butt. I really hope all of this emotional crap pays off, though I have my suspicions that it's hormonal because I'm on my period. That, however, doesn't mean I don't feel those emotions any less because they're caused by hormonal imbalances due to my period, but just... ugh.
Also, I'm hoping I can keep up this exercise and do it at least semi-regularly. Maybe every day? Every other day? Any time I remember about it? One can only hope.
(You see how much of an emotional rollercoaster this is going to be for me. One second, I'm on cloud nine because I feel like I can do this, the next I'm disheartened. Ugh.)
I'm trying to do some easier ones (ones that don't trigger my asthma), and it's sort of helping my mood, I guess. I think I have a complex where I have to do everything really well all of the time. It just bugs me when I don't do well at everything. It's not a really obsessive thing, where I lose sleep over the fact I didn't get the best score on a test, but it does bother me that exercising is hard for me. I'm just taking BABY STEPS, and even those baby steps are hard for me. It's depressing.
So far, I've done jumping jacks, pretending like I'm jumping rope, some stretches, clenching my tummy and butt. I really hope all of this emotional crap pays off, though I have my suspicions that it's hormonal because I'm on my period. That, however, doesn't mean I don't feel those emotions any less because they're caused by hormonal imbalances due to my period, but just... ugh.
Also, I'm hoping I can keep up this exercise and do it at least semi-regularly. Maybe every day? Every other day? Any time I remember about it? One can only hope.
Exercise
Here is a list of the exercise I'm going to try to do. It's nothing much, but it's something I can do during commercials when I'm watching TV, and it's not a lot at once so my asthma won't kick in painfully. Baby steps! <3 Doing this exercise makes me feel good because I know I'm making progress, more progress than I have in a while. I feel like I can do this. It's going to take a long time, but I didn't get myself to be this way in a short amount of time, so it's going to take a while. I know this, and while I wish the weight would go away right now, it won't. So it's going to take work. But nothing of worth ever came without work, otherwise it would be cheapened. I know I'm going to appreciate my body more when I realize I've worked for it and I've taken care of it, and not just because it's skinny and looking more like I want it to look.
Also, I'm still feeling full/satisfied. Every time I walk out into the kitchen, I make sure to much on some grapes because fruit is good and tasty and doesn't have many calories and it's healthy. YAY HEALTH!
Also, I'm still feeling full/satisfied. Every time I walk out into the kitchen, I make sure to much on some grapes because fruit is good and tasty and doesn't have many calories and it's healthy. YAY HEALTH!
What is Beauty?
I've wondered what the answer to this question is. Because obviously there's outer beauty, the stuff that's on the outside, but then there's inner beauty, one's personality and character. But are they really separate things? Can't someone who's physically beautiful suddenly appear ugly in one's eyes if they turn out to be a complete jerk? And can't someone who seemed really hot turn ugly if they turn out to be a smoker?
I know I'm a good person with a good personality, but I don't consider myself to be that physically appealing. I don't think I'm plain, per se, I just don't think that all of my features together = hot/pretty/cute/sexhaaay. But does that negate the beauty of my inner self?
*headdesk* Woaaaaah, clichés abound! Dislike.
It's an interesting question, though. What is beauty? What is physical attractiveness? What exactly makes a person attractive? Aren't there things about one person that make them appealing, but then if someone else were the same, it would not be so attractive? Isn't beauty just a subjective thing that varies from person to person? There are different kinds of beauty. I think that some men are definitely beautiful, where there are men who are attractive in a raw, stereotypically manly sense. That doesn't mean either are more attractive to me; they're just different. Then there are men who are hot as heck in suits, and then there are men who are doable in just jeans and a t-shirt. Is it just confidence that makes someone appealing? I don't think so, but there's something to be said about confidence. A man who strides into the room as though he owns it but is too modest to say that he does is incredibly sexy. A woman who does the same is a formidable person, one who should not be taken lightly.
I want to be beautiful. I also want to feel that I'm beautiful. I want to be noticed by guys and by guys who aren't afraid to show their regard. I would like that, even now. I don't want to just be someone who blends into the background in guys' minds, who's just the friend. That kind of attention, the kind that comes when someone is attracted to you, is flattering, even if I don't return the feelings. It'd be nice to have that because I've never really known what it's like. As far as I know, no one's ever really liked me that way.
I just want to get some proof that I'm not just a meaningless blob of lard who no one will ever find attractive. It seems like something that's intrinsic to high school life, guys and girls liking each other, dating, and all that. And I feel like I'm missing out on something really fun and really important. Besides, how weird would it be to have a first date in college? One just doesn't really have a first date in college, does one? Hrmph, like I'd know.
I'm really excited for college, but I'm really that a) I won't get in, and b) that I won't fit in when I get there. I really want to go to Cornell, but I don't really feel like an Ivy Leaguer or someone who'd go to Vassar. I feel really ordinary, even if I sometimes have moments where I think I could be a lot and that I AM a lot more than I give myself credit for. Again, I don't know.
Hrm, I should probably study. I have a history test tomorrow, and I want to do really well. I got the highest score in both classes last time, so I want to continue doing well. I REALLY want a good score on the AP test at the end of the year. I feel pretty confident for the lit one, but not so much the history one. This course is being taught differently, and while I'm certainly knowing quite a bit, I don't feel as confident. Oh well. I'm sure I'll be fine.
Hopefully.
*gulp*
Anyway. As for food, I'm feeling pretty full right now. I don't think I'll need anything until dinner time, but we'll see how I hold up. Right now, I want tea so I can start my studying, and I'm armed with my best friend (not Chase, my history textbook) and my notes from this section. YAAAAAY STUDYING! :DDD
I know I'm a good person with a good personality, but I don't consider myself to be that physically appealing. I don't think I'm plain, per se, I just don't think that all of my features together = hot/pretty/cute/sexhaaay. But does that negate the beauty of my inner self?
*headdesk* Woaaaaah, clichés abound! Dislike.
It's an interesting question, though. What is beauty? What is physical attractiveness? What exactly makes a person attractive? Aren't there things about one person that make them appealing, but then if someone else were the same, it would not be so attractive? Isn't beauty just a subjective thing that varies from person to person? There are different kinds of beauty. I think that some men are definitely beautiful, where there are men who are attractive in a raw, stereotypically manly sense. That doesn't mean either are more attractive to me; they're just different. Then there are men who are hot as heck in suits, and then there are men who are doable in just jeans and a t-shirt. Is it just confidence that makes someone appealing? I don't think so, but there's something to be said about confidence. A man who strides into the room as though he owns it but is too modest to say that he does is incredibly sexy. A woman who does the same is a formidable person, one who should not be taken lightly.
I want to be beautiful. I also want to feel that I'm beautiful. I want to be noticed by guys and by guys who aren't afraid to show their regard. I would like that, even now. I don't want to just be someone who blends into the background in guys' minds, who's just the friend. That kind of attention, the kind that comes when someone is attracted to you, is flattering, even if I don't return the feelings. It'd be nice to have that because I've never really known what it's like. As far as I know, no one's ever really liked me that way.
I just want to get some proof that I'm not just a meaningless blob of lard who no one will ever find attractive. It seems like something that's intrinsic to high school life, guys and girls liking each other, dating, and all that. And I feel like I'm missing out on something really fun and really important. Besides, how weird would it be to have a first date in college? One just doesn't really have a first date in college, does one? Hrmph, like I'd know.
I'm really excited for college, but I'm really that a) I won't get in, and b) that I won't fit in when I get there. I really want to go to Cornell, but I don't really feel like an Ivy Leaguer or someone who'd go to Vassar. I feel really ordinary, even if I sometimes have moments where I think I could be a lot and that I AM a lot more than I give myself credit for. Again, I don't know.
Hrm, I should probably study. I have a history test tomorrow, and I want to do really well. I got the highest score in both classes last time, so I want to continue doing well. I REALLY want a good score on the AP test at the end of the year. I feel pretty confident for the lit one, but not so much the history one. This course is being taught differently, and while I'm certainly knowing quite a bit, I don't feel as confident. Oh well. I'm sure I'll be fine.
Hopefully.
*gulp*
Anyway. As for food, I'm feeling pretty full right now. I don't think I'll need anything until dinner time, but we'll see how I hold up. Right now, I want tea so I can start my studying, and I'm armed with my best friend (not Chase, my history textbook) and my notes from this section. YAAAAAY STUDYING! :DDD
Fooooooood
What I've eaten:
A ham bagel sandwich (plain, white bagel) with less than an entire triangle of garlic and herb Laughing Cow cheese spread on the bagel
Lots of carrots
A sprig of grapes
My thoughts:
I probably don't need this, but I tried to make it healthier, and I'm eating the carrots and grapes first so (hopefully) I won't eat the entire sandwich, even though I probably will. But it's not junk food, and it's not cookies, so I'm considering this a minor victory for "healthy lifestyle habits."
A ham bagel sandwich (plain, white bagel) with less than an entire triangle of garlic and herb Laughing Cow cheese spread on the bagel
Lots of carrots
A sprig of grapes
My thoughts:
I probably don't need this, but I tried to make it healthier, and I'm eating the carrots and grapes first so (hopefully) I won't eat the entire sandwich, even though I probably will. But it's not junk food, and it's not cookies, so I'm considering this a minor victory for "healthy lifestyle habits."
Ughhhh...
I'm on my period, so I feel like crap. Well, not entirely, but I just feel gross. It's not good. But so far, I'm not craving anything. It's just driving me mad that we have cookies in our pantry and they're chocolate chip and they're delicious and I want them. So maybe I am craving something. But it's not too bad. I ate a really good breakfast and I got a lot of good sleep last night, so the day's feeling pretty good so far.
All in all, I'm feeling pretty positive, too. I'm noticing mental differences, due to the healthy foods I've been eating, and it hasn't even been a week. I feel lighter and more able to get up and do things, even if I just want to stay on the couch and relax because my stupid uterus is bleeding and cramping. *sigh* It's just annoying. But yeah, I am actually feeling positive, despite the tone of this post.
I'm also watching Mythbusters. Christina likes this.
Getting a normal amount of sleep is also helping me relax. I've been really stressed out (I'm still a bit stressed out -- I have to do financial aid stuff for college) but it's getting a bit easier to bear.
I just don't like, however, that I'm always thinking about food now, but I think that'll go away as eating better and less becomes more of a habit. Now, I have to think about it consciously and make sure to eat small amounts, but it'll go away in time, hopefully. I don't want to stress about every little bite I eat, but right now, I think I do need to stress (even if I don't like it) because this stress will make sure I don't screw up.
It's just a bit... disheartening, how long this road is going to be. But then again, I didn't gain this much weight overnight, so I'm not going to lose it overnight. But it's going to be worth it. Being at a healthy weight and having healthy habits will be so worth it, and I'm young, so losing this weight is going to be comparatively easy, when compared to losing it when I'm thirty or forty. I want to reinvent myself, and losing this weight, however, is only one part of that.
I need to work on being less stressed and being just a better person. That idea, however, isn't really good for my ego because I think I'm a pretty good person right now. I just need to work on saying more nice things and not thinking so many mean things about people in general. It's just not nice, and I wouldn't want someone thinking those thoughts about me, either. I also need to work on NOT PROCRASTINATING. I promised myself I wouldn't procrastinate EVER and now I find myself doing it! >.< It's bad.
Speaking of which, I shall now go finish my CI homework. It's only doing some basic math and making a pie chart and then finding the definition and importance of around ten terms. It shall be most easy.
All in all, I'm feeling pretty positive, too. I'm noticing mental differences, due to the healthy foods I've been eating, and it hasn't even been a week. I feel lighter and more able to get up and do things, even if I just want to stay on the couch and relax because my stupid uterus is bleeding and cramping. *sigh* It's just annoying. But yeah, I am actually feeling positive, despite the tone of this post.
I'm also watching Mythbusters. Christina likes this.
Getting a normal amount of sleep is also helping me relax. I've been really stressed out (I'm still a bit stressed out -- I have to do financial aid stuff for college) but it's getting a bit easier to bear.
I just don't like, however, that I'm always thinking about food now, but I think that'll go away as eating better and less becomes more of a habit. Now, I have to think about it consciously and make sure to eat small amounts, but it'll go away in time, hopefully. I don't want to stress about every little bite I eat, but right now, I think I do need to stress (even if I don't like it) because this stress will make sure I don't screw up.
It's just a bit... disheartening, how long this road is going to be. But then again, I didn't gain this much weight overnight, so I'm not going to lose it overnight. But it's going to be worth it. Being at a healthy weight and having healthy habits will be so worth it, and I'm young, so losing this weight is going to be comparatively easy, when compared to losing it when I'm thirty or forty. I want to reinvent myself, and losing this weight, however, is only one part of that.
I need to work on being less stressed and being just a better person. That idea, however, isn't really good for my ego because I think I'm a pretty good person right now. I just need to work on saying more nice things and not thinking so many mean things about people in general. It's just not nice, and I wouldn't want someone thinking those thoughts about me, either. I also need to work on NOT PROCRASTINATING. I promised myself I wouldn't procrastinate EVER and now I find myself doing it! >.< It's bad.
Speaking of which, I shall now go finish my CI homework. It's only doing some basic math and making a pie chart and then finding the definition and importance of around ten terms. It shall be most easy.
Day Six - Breakfast
What I'm eating:
1 cheese Babybel round
1 raspberry yogurt
1 strawberry yogurt
1 "Nutz Over Chocolate" Luna bar
1 apple
Very healthy, very good. I'm optimistic today but worried that I'll mess up. We'll see, though. :D
1 cheese Babybel round
1 raspberry yogurt
1 strawberry yogurt
1 "Nutz Over Chocolate" Luna bar
1 apple
Very healthy, very good. I'm optimistic today but worried that I'll mess up. We'll see, though. :D
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Food Journaling
What I've eaten:
One large glass of milk
One buttermilk roll
One small portion of lasagna
One good-sized amount of asparagus
More grapes
A cherry yogurt (dessert)
My thoughts:
I'm so proud of myself right now. I ate so much less than I normally do at dinner, and I had lots of good stuff. I sat at the table (not in front of the TV) and ate my dinner and enjoyed it. And because of the asparagus and grapes, I feel much fuller without feeling sick. Now, I just have to make sure that, if I want to snack after dinner, I eat a Luna bar or grapes or some cheese.
But I'm going to declare Day Five a SUCCESS.
I'm rather happy right now. I ate to enjoy food and to give myself energy and ward off hunger, but I didn't really overindulge. I kept my portions of not-entirely healthy stuff down while still having enough to enjoy and to feed myself and I made sure I ate a lot of good stuff in abundance. I can do this!
One large glass of milk
One buttermilk roll
One small portion of lasagna
One good-sized amount of asparagus
More grapes
A cherry yogurt (dessert)
My thoughts:
I'm so proud of myself right now. I ate so much less than I normally do at dinner, and I had lots of good stuff. I sat at the table (not in front of the TV) and ate my dinner and enjoyed it. And because of the asparagus and grapes, I feel much fuller without feeling sick. Now, I just have to make sure that, if I want to snack after dinner, I eat a Luna bar or grapes or some cheese.
But I'm going to declare Day Five a SUCCESS.
I'm rather happy right now. I ate to enjoy food and to give myself energy and ward off hunger, but I didn't really overindulge. I kept my portions of not-entirely healthy stuff down while still having enough to enjoy and to feed myself and I made sure I ate a lot of good stuff in abundance. I can do this!
Dinner Time
Dinner. We're having lasagna and rolls. I am going to eat fruit and veggies beforehand to try and fill myself up a bit. I'm also not going to be watching TV as I eat. I'm not going to have more than two rolls, both without butter. I'm going to enjoy my food but not overindulge because I don't need all of that energy.
We'll see.
We'll see.
Food Update
I've eaten:
1 300-calorie eggs and bacon and hashbrown thing
Some grapes
Yet another mug of raspberry and white tea
1 300-calorie eggs and bacon and hashbrown thing
Some grapes
Yet another mug of raspberry and white tea
Cravings
Okay, so... we have these bacon-and-scrambled eggs things in our freezer... and I really want one. Badly. But I don't need it, and I know that. Well, I'm a little hungry, but I could fix that by eating grapes or an apple or even a Luna bar. AGH. Decisions. Because I really, really want those eggs and that bacon. And the entire thing is only 300 calories, which isn't that much (even though I'm not really focusing on calories, more on the health of the thing), and eating one wouldn't kill me or break my day. So, on this craving, I am going to give myself permission to eat it, and I am going to enjoy it fully. However, I'm not going to have a second one. If I still want to munch on something, I'm going to grab grapes or something like that. Yay decisions!
More Food Journaling
What I've eaten:
Another cup of raspberry and white tea
1 "Caramel Nut Brownie" Luna bar
Another Babel cheese round
Some grapes
My thoughts:
I'm cautiously optimistic. I've done pretty well thus far, but the day's hardly half over, and I have dinner ahead of me. I'm going to try really hard to be good. I'm thinking about capping it at one medium-sized slice of lasagna and two rolls without butter. My dad's also going to make asparagus, so I'm going to eat a crapload of that, too. I'm also going to eat a bit later, because while I don't need all of those calories right before I go to sleep, night-time is my weakness time. If I'm even the slightest bit not-full, I'll eat, and I shouldn't do that.
But I'm optimistic. Actually keeping track of what I'm eating is helping, and I'm loving this blog. I'm going to try really hard to post at least once every day, hopefully more. And everyone's support and tips and comments so far have really helped; it's nice to know that people are listening and caring about what's going on in my life. I'm just really glad that I'm not hiding this this time. I've tried to lose weight several times, but I always hid it, ashamed of my weight and my need to change. I think this might be the time I drop some weight. Even twenty pounds before the end of the school year would be a dream come true, though I think I'll probably lose more if I keep on this and don't falter.
Another cup of raspberry and white tea
1 "Caramel Nut Brownie" Luna bar
Another Babel cheese round
Some grapes
My thoughts:
I'm cautiously optimistic. I've done pretty well thus far, but the day's hardly half over, and I have dinner ahead of me. I'm going to try really hard to be good. I'm thinking about capping it at one medium-sized slice of lasagna and two rolls without butter. My dad's also going to make asparagus, so I'm going to eat a crapload of that, too. I'm also going to eat a bit later, because while I don't need all of those calories right before I go to sleep, night-time is my weakness time. If I'm even the slightest bit not-full, I'll eat, and I shouldn't do that.
But I'm optimistic. Actually keeping track of what I'm eating is helping, and I'm loving this blog. I'm going to try really hard to post at least once every day, hopefully more. And everyone's support and tips and comments so far have really helped; it's nice to know that people are listening and caring about what's going on in my life. I'm just really glad that I'm not hiding this this time. I've tried to lose weight several times, but I always hid it, ashamed of my weight and my need to change. I think this might be the time I drop some weight. Even twenty pounds before the end of the school year would be a dream come true, though I think I'll probably lose more if I keep on this and don't falter.
Positive Thoughts of the Day
General Positive Thoughts:
- Foodball
- People were giving away free thanksgiving dinners today at QFC
Positive Thoughts About Myself:
- I love to read
- I love to write
- I'm good at writing
- I like singing
- Polite debates make me happy
- I have pretty eyes
- I have nice hair
- I'm so awesome that I play Quidditch on the weekends with my friends
- I think studying can be really fun
- I LOVE LEARNING.
- I don't speed/do illegal things when I drive
- I'm not ashamed or scared of how weird I am... and I'm really weird. But in an awesome way.
- I'm friends with a wide range of people
- I'm always on facebook. And facebook = awesome.
- I'm making good lifestyle changes so I can be healthy and happy, and I'm not trying to hide it this time, like making these changes is something to be ashamed about because they're not.
- My legs have nice curves to them, and my calves are pretty sexy, haha. At least I think so.
- I have a great set of breasts. Don't judge me, lol, they make my shirts look nice on me.
- I'm very intelligent.
:D
- Foodball
- People were giving away free thanksgiving dinners today at QFC
Positive Thoughts About Myself:
- I love to read
- I love to write
- I'm good at writing
- I like singing
- Polite debates make me happy
- I have pretty eyes
- I have nice hair
- I'm so awesome that I play Quidditch on the weekends with my friends
- I think studying can be really fun
- I LOVE LEARNING.
- I don't speed/do illegal things when I drive
- I'm not ashamed or scared of how weird I am... and I'm really weird. But in an awesome way.
- I'm friends with a wide range of people
- I'm always on facebook. And facebook = awesome.
- I'm making good lifestyle changes so I can be healthy and happy, and I'm not trying to hide it this time, like making these changes is something to be ashamed about because they're not.
- My legs have nice curves to them, and my calves are pretty sexy, haha. At least I think so.
- I have a great set of breasts. Don't judge me, lol, they make my shirts look nice on me.
- I'm very intelligent.
:D
Day Five, part 2.
What I've eaten so far today:
1 apple
1 strawberry yogurt
1 raspberry yogurt
1 Babel little cheese round thing
1 large mug of raspberry and white tea
1 Luna "Nutz Over Chocolate" bar
How I want to eat for the rest of the day:
Smaller portions than normal (especially at dinner -- we're having lasagna; pasta is my weakness, along with rolls... which we're also having, lol)
Lots of fruits (not so much vegetables; I'm not a huge fan, but if I can squeeze in some carrots, this is win)
Smaller portions throughout the day, not so much three big meals (more smaller meals is better for one's metabolism, I've read)
Exercise for the day:
At least for five minutes out of every hour, I want to get up and walk around my house. Nothing huge, but it's something, so I'm not just sitting in front of the TV, doing nothing. I also want to blog a lot today. I think this is really helping me.
1 apple
1 strawberry yogurt
1 raspberry yogurt
1 Babel little cheese round thing
1 large mug of raspberry and white tea
1 Luna "Nutz Over Chocolate" bar
How I want to eat for the rest of the day:
Smaller portions than normal (especially at dinner -- we're having lasagna; pasta is my weakness, along with rolls... which we're also having, lol)
Lots of fruits (not so much vegetables; I'm not a huge fan, but if I can squeeze in some carrots, this is win)
Smaller portions throughout the day, not so much three big meals (more smaller meals is better for one's metabolism, I've read)
Exercise for the day:
At least for five minutes out of every hour, I want to get up and walk around my house. Nothing huge, but it's something, so I'm not just sitting in front of the TV, doing nothing. I also want to blog a lot today. I think this is really helping me.
Day Five
Day Five hasn't officially started yet. I haven't had breakfast, but my dad and I are going to head off to the store (sometime... maybe looks from across the room will make him realize that I want to go to the store NOW, lol) to get healthy foods. I even made a list. It's quite exciting, in fact. Well, not really, I'm still too half-asleep to really be excited, but in my mind, I'm excited.
I want to eat good things today. I think I'm going to make my goal to eat fruits or vegetables at every meal. It doesn't have to be a lot, but it's going to be a start. Starts are good, yes? And to eat less and to constantly monitor how I'm feeling when I eat. And I REALLY shouldn't be in front of the TV or my laptop when I'm eating. It might provide some amusement, but it distracts me from exactly how hungry or full I am. It's such a bad habit >.<
I'm losing weight to be happy with myself. I'm not losing weight so people will like me better (though it seems to be that way sometimes), and I'm not losing weight so I can fit into that size two. I will never be a size two. Heck, I don't think I'll ever be a size six or eight. I think I'm supposed to be a size ten, and I will be happy with that. I will be happy with whatever my body should be. I have breasts and a butt and hips; I won't ever look like a supermodel, but I don't think supermodels are that pretty or sexy anyway, in all honesty. Too bony.
Throughout this process, however, I want to gain a better understanding of myself and why I eat the way I do and why I feel the way I do. We won't get into specific details about my past (while that sounds sufficiently cryptic and mysterious for a teenage girl, I'm not just being melodramatic), I think I need to talk about it and the effects it has and always will have on me. I think it is one of the main reasons I eat so much, as an unconscious means to overcompensate. So we'll get into that.
My teenage years, up until just recently, were very painful and stormy. I cried a lot and had nightmares and holed up in myself. I always felt like a scared little girl who would never be anything, who could never be anything, and who wasn't worth much. In some ways, I still feel that way, but it's definitely more buried than it was before. I don't like to think of painful things; it's easier to just let them lie and not disturb them. I spent four years grieving and mourning over what I feel I lost, and I'm just tired of feeling that way. But then again, it never really does go away.
Well, now that I've waxed sufficiently emo, let's get back to our main topic of the day: food.
Food is not bad. Food is very, very good. Food gives you energy, and everyone needs energy. Food is NOT my enemy, and I refuse to see it as such. I'm not going to stress over every little morsel I eat (even though I probably will). But I'm going to strive to eat less because I don't need that much, and I'm going to strive to eat better things because I need to eat those things because they're good for me. I want to do good things for me and my body. Also, I need to drink more water. That's also very important. Tea is very good. Hrm, I think I shall make myself a cup of raspberry and white tea right now :D I like this tea.
Oh, and I don't want to yo-yo with my weight. If I'm going to lose this weight, I'm going to lose it forever, and I never want to get it back. These will be lifestyle changes I'm going to make that are going to last me forever.
I want to eat good things today. I think I'm going to make my goal to eat fruits or vegetables at every meal. It doesn't have to be a lot, but it's going to be a start. Starts are good, yes? And to eat less and to constantly monitor how I'm feeling when I eat. And I REALLY shouldn't be in front of the TV or my laptop when I'm eating. It might provide some amusement, but it distracts me from exactly how hungry or full I am. It's such a bad habit >.<
I'm losing weight to be happy with myself. I'm not losing weight so people will like me better (though it seems to be that way sometimes), and I'm not losing weight so I can fit into that size two. I will never be a size two. Heck, I don't think I'll ever be a size six or eight. I think I'm supposed to be a size ten, and I will be happy with that. I will be happy with whatever my body should be. I have breasts and a butt and hips; I won't ever look like a supermodel, but I don't think supermodels are that pretty or sexy anyway, in all honesty. Too bony.
Throughout this process, however, I want to gain a better understanding of myself and why I eat the way I do and why I feel the way I do. We won't get into specific details about my past (while that sounds sufficiently cryptic and mysterious for a teenage girl, I'm not just being melodramatic), I think I need to talk about it and the effects it has and always will have on me. I think it is one of the main reasons I eat so much, as an unconscious means to overcompensate. So we'll get into that.
My teenage years, up until just recently, were very painful and stormy. I cried a lot and had nightmares and holed up in myself. I always felt like a scared little girl who would never be anything, who could never be anything, and who wasn't worth much. In some ways, I still feel that way, but it's definitely more buried than it was before. I don't like to think of painful things; it's easier to just let them lie and not disturb them. I spent four years grieving and mourning over what I feel I lost, and I'm just tired of feeling that way. But then again, it never really does go away.
Well, now that I've waxed sufficiently emo, let's get back to our main topic of the day: food.
Food is not bad. Food is very, very good. Food gives you energy, and everyone needs energy. Food is NOT my enemy, and I refuse to see it as such. I'm not going to stress over every little morsel I eat (even though I probably will). But I'm going to strive to eat less because I don't need that much, and I'm going to strive to eat better things because I need to eat those things because they're good for me. I want to do good things for me and my body. Also, I need to drink more water. That's also very important. Tea is very good. Hrm, I think I shall make myself a cup of raspberry and white tea right now :D I like this tea.
Oh, and I don't want to yo-yo with my weight. If I'm going to lose this weight, I'm going to lose it forever, and I never want to get it back. These will be lifestyle changes I'm going to make that are going to last me forever.
Friday, November 20, 2009
So maybe I'm already addicted to this blog...
I feel like a failure, for whatever reason. I know, rationally, this is a ridiculous thing to feel, but because I'm fat, I feel like a failure. I feel like I'm not good enough. I feel like I, with all of my intelligence and charm and wit and good character, am not as good as the skinny little bimbo because I'm not skinny. I know, yes, it's ridiculous. It's laughable, even, that I would feel this way, but I feel this way.
I don't think there's a lot of room in our society for people like me. There's no understanding about why I am the way I am. I'm not anymore, but I used to be an emotional eater. My prepubescent years and puberty years were tumultuous, to say the least. I went through hell. But nobody cares about that -- all anyone cares about is that I don't fit into a size 6 pair of jeans.
And I hate that. At the core of me, all I want is to like everyone and for everyone to like me. Harmony, kumbaya, inspirational showtunes and all that. I don't want someone to dislike me for any reason, much less something as superficial as my weight, and I don't want to be judged prematurely. Don't like me if you don't like me, but it just doesn't seem fair for someone to write me off just because I'm fat.
My life has been really exhausting lately. I feel like I'm falling behind with everything, my classes, my reading (A Tale of Two Cities >.<), everything. I feel like I'm slowly sinking and soon I won't be able to breathe. There's so much pressure to get everything done (note to self: do financial aid stuff for Cornell and Vassar), and I just don't feel like I have enough time. I really would like to get everything done, but...
And I feel like everyone's just gotten meaner this year. I don't understand that. Everyone used to be so sweet and cute, and now they're backstabbing, self-absorbed little divas. There's so much tension. I get so wound up because of everything everyone says and everyone's bad attitudes and everyone's negativity. I like to think that I'm pretty positive, but when everyone's so negative, I don't want to be positive. I kind of want to scratch people's eyes out sometimes.
I don't know what that is.
Hrm. You'll have to excuse my murderous tendencies.
Yes, back to my stress. I really get worked up about things easily. I'm getting worked up about the fact I don't know where my voice lesson will be tomorrow (my teacher said it might be at the middle school, 'cause her husband was going to give a lesson there, too, but then she said it might not, so I don't know, and I don't like not knowing). I'm quite pathetic in that regard. I don't know how to not be stressed, either. I try doing things to relax myself, but I can never really relax. I think something's a bit broken in me.
AGH. Positive and relaxing thoughts:
... This is actually taking me some time. I think that's a bad sign.
Positive (about me): I actually did read some of A Tale of Two Cities tonight, I'm really good in new social situations, I'm friendly, I'm super awesome at history, I never waver from what I know is right, I'm diplomatic, I have extremely good taste in music, TV, and movies, I'm tolerant, I'm a great singer (and I'm classically trained, so that's awesome), I smile a lot, I make the most out of bad situations, I'm a leader, I don't speed when I drive, I'm ambitious, I have nice lips, I'm a great writer...
Relaxing thoughts: a cold night spent wrapped up in blankets with hot chocolate and a feel-good movie in TV, a hot bath with lavender bubble bath, a massage, cuddling with a cute guyfriend (BLAKE PARKER, hehe :D), watching a historical movie, sleeping in on a Saturday morning, half-falling-asleep in the car at night as the rain's pattering on the windshield while someone else is driving, and I can't think of anything more.
I can't help it, I'm an increasingly negative person, and thinking of positive things about me isn't helping. I just keep flashing back to a time in jazz choir when I was singing back in my throat and someone noticed and said something about it to me. They were being nice about it, too, but making mistakes makes me think horrible things about myself. Despite the fact I pretend to be confident, I'm really not. Ugh, I feel like a wreck.
It doesn't help that my period is nigh, either. Guys just don't understand how much the period throws everything into crapiness. And girls are lately (at least I've noticed) becoming less sympathetic. But then again, teenage girls are self-centered little wasps who just like to tear down everyone else.
... wait, that means I'm a self-centered little wasp.
*ponders*
No. Every OTHER teenage girl.
... there. That's better :P
Anyway, onto something else... well, actually, I've got nothing else to say. It's midnight, and I really need sleep, and I just feel ridiculous and crappy and stupid all over. So I'm going to go to bed and hopefully feel better in the morning.
I don't think there's a lot of room in our society for people like me. There's no understanding about why I am the way I am. I'm not anymore, but I used to be an emotional eater. My prepubescent years and puberty years were tumultuous, to say the least. I went through hell. But nobody cares about that -- all anyone cares about is that I don't fit into a size 6 pair of jeans.
And I hate that. At the core of me, all I want is to like everyone and for everyone to like me. Harmony, kumbaya, inspirational showtunes and all that. I don't want someone to dislike me for any reason, much less something as superficial as my weight, and I don't want to be judged prematurely. Don't like me if you don't like me, but it just doesn't seem fair for someone to write me off just because I'm fat.
My life has been really exhausting lately. I feel like I'm falling behind with everything, my classes, my reading (A Tale of Two Cities >.<), everything. I feel like I'm slowly sinking and soon I won't be able to breathe. There's so much pressure to get everything done (note to self: do financial aid stuff for Cornell and Vassar), and I just don't feel like I have enough time. I really would like to get everything done, but...
And I feel like everyone's just gotten meaner this year. I don't understand that. Everyone used to be so sweet and cute, and now they're backstabbing, self-absorbed little divas. There's so much tension. I get so wound up because of everything everyone says and everyone's bad attitudes and everyone's negativity. I like to think that I'm pretty positive, but when everyone's so negative, I don't want to be positive. I kind of want to scratch people's eyes out sometimes.
I don't know what that is.
Hrm. You'll have to excuse my murderous tendencies.
Yes, back to my stress. I really get worked up about things easily. I'm getting worked up about the fact I don't know where my voice lesson will be tomorrow (my teacher said it might be at the middle school, 'cause her husband was going to give a lesson there, too, but then she said it might not, so I don't know, and I don't like not knowing). I'm quite pathetic in that regard. I don't know how to not be stressed, either. I try doing things to relax myself, but I can never really relax. I think something's a bit broken in me.
AGH. Positive and relaxing thoughts:
... This is actually taking me some time. I think that's a bad sign.
Positive (about me): I actually did read some of A Tale of Two Cities tonight, I'm really good in new social situations, I'm friendly, I'm super awesome at history, I never waver from what I know is right, I'm diplomatic, I have extremely good taste in music, TV, and movies, I'm tolerant, I'm a great singer (and I'm classically trained, so that's awesome), I smile a lot, I make the most out of bad situations, I'm a leader, I don't speed when I drive, I'm ambitious, I have nice lips, I'm a great writer...
Relaxing thoughts: a cold night spent wrapped up in blankets with hot chocolate and a feel-good movie in TV, a hot bath with lavender bubble bath, a massage, cuddling with a cute guyfriend (BLAKE PARKER, hehe :D), watching a historical movie, sleeping in on a Saturday morning, half-falling-asleep in the car at night as the rain's pattering on the windshield while someone else is driving, and I can't think of anything more.
I can't help it, I'm an increasingly negative person, and thinking of positive things about me isn't helping. I just keep flashing back to a time in jazz choir when I was singing back in my throat and someone noticed and said something about it to me. They were being nice about it, too, but making mistakes makes me think horrible things about myself. Despite the fact I pretend to be confident, I'm really not. Ugh, I feel like a wreck.
It doesn't help that my period is nigh, either. Guys just don't understand how much the period throws everything into crapiness. And girls are lately (at least I've noticed) becoming less sympathetic. But then again, teenage girls are self-centered little wasps who just like to tear down everyone else.
... wait, that means I'm a self-centered little wasp.
*ponders*
No. Every OTHER teenage girl.
... there. That's better :P
Anyway, onto something else... well, actually, I've got nothing else to say. It's midnight, and I really need sleep, and I just feel ridiculous and crappy and stupid all over. So I'm going to go to bed and hopefully feel better in the morning.
GOOOOOOOOOOOALS.
Olivia suggested we write about our goals, so here are mine:
1. Lose one dress size.
2. Make a habit of having more fruits and vegetables.
3. Take the stairs and park further away so I walk more.
4. Wear clothes that flatter me and make me feel good
5. Not make catty comments about the way other people look in my head
6. Compliment at least ten people everyday.
7. Give myself compliments.
8. Have a positive attitude.
I will admit that losing weight is my main goal here... I do want to be healthy. I want to focus on being healthy because, no matter what anyone says, being healthy is more important than being skinny, but I can't help it -- I'm vapid and shallow. I want to have that sexy figure that guys want. More than that, however, I want to have that sexy figure so I'll FEEL sexy. I just... I wish guys wanted me. I'm a great friend, but I'm never the girlfriend. I just don't feel like I'm the kind of person who gets to fall in love, and part of that's because of my weight.
I feel like I have so much potential, that I'm meant to be so much, but everything I've imagined for myself doesn't include me being fat. But I feel like that's wrong, that I shouldn't feel like I should change, but I do feel that way. When I think of the woman I want to be, that woman isn't fat. She's trim and petite and extremely intelligent and stunning. She stands out. As it is, I stand out, too, but not in the way I want to stand out. No one would care to see that I'm a borderline genius [/ego] because all they see is the fat and the extra pounds and the bulges and the belly and the huge thighs.
So, it's this huge dichotomy. I want people to see me for my brains, for my talents, but I also want to be attractive.
>.<
I should probably head off to bed -- A Tale of Two Cities is calling.
1. Lose one dress size.
2. Make a habit of having more fruits and vegetables.
3. Take the stairs and park further away so I walk more.
4. Wear clothes that flatter me and make me feel good
5. Not make catty comments about the way other people look in my head
6. Compliment at least ten people everyday.
7. Give myself compliments.
8. Have a positive attitude.
I will admit that losing weight is my main goal here... I do want to be healthy. I want to focus on being healthy because, no matter what anyone says, being healthy is more important than being skinny, but I can't help it -- I'm vapid and shallow. I want to have that sexy figure that guys want. More than that, however, I want to have that sexy figure so I'll FEEL sexy. I just... I wish guys wanted me. I'm a great friend, but I'm never the girlfriend. I just don't feel like I'm the kind of person who gets to fall in love, and part of that's because of my weight.
I feel like I have so much potential, that I'm meant to be so much, but everything I've imagined for myself doesn't include me being fat. But I feel like that's wrong, that I shouldn't feel like I should change, but I do feel that way. When I think of the woman I want to be, that woman isn't fat. She's trim and petite and extremely intelligent and stunning. She stands out. As it is, I stand out, too, but not in the way I want to stand out. No one would care to see that I'm a borderline genius [/ego] because all they see is the fat and the extra pounds and the bulges and the belly and the huge thighs.
So, it's this huge dichotomy. I want people to see me for my brains, for my talents, but I also want to be attractive.
>.<
I should probably head off to bed -- A Tale of Two Cities is calling.
Let's get it started, let's get it started, yeah
So, this is my blog.
Introductions, yes? My name is Christina. I'm seventeen years and nine months old. I live in Washington state, and I go to high school in a tiny town. I'm a senior -- yes, college is on my mind. I want to go to either Cornell or Vassar. Preferably Cornell. We'll see if I get in.
This blog idea was given to me by my totally-awesome friend, Olivia. We both want to lose weight, so we're kind of doing this together, I guess you could say. I like this idea, especially after having read "The Diary of a Fat Teenager" which inspired me so much.
I want to be healthy. I also want to be skinny, but I do want to be healthy. I want to feel good about myself. I want to have the confidence in myself and in the way I look to go buy clothes and not feel like crap when I have to look at myself in the mirror. I want to become a powerful woman who's confident and dignified -- not some shameless, vacuous tart. I want to be happy as an adult, as well as content and fulfilled and full of potential. I just want to feel good about myself and who I am and the way I look. I want to not feel two inches tall when I see a totally cute guy and want to talk to him or ask him out but think that he'd rather have the mini-skirt-touting bimbo instead of me because she's thin.
So that explains the third part of this blog's title.
The second, however, is as integral to who I am as the fact that I want to write. I am a feminist. I believe, without a shadow of a doubt, that women are equal to men. Now, this may seem like a stance of the past -- of course women are equal to men -- but it is as relevant today as it was in the seventies and in the twenties. Women are still mistreated, women are still looked down upon, women are still expected to carry the burden of housework, women still make only seventy-seven cents to every dollar that men make, and I despise any form of inequality. And while the seventy-seven cents thing doesn't really affect me right now, it will. I plan on being in the business world, and I do not want to make less money simply because I have a brain and a uterus and I can use them both (whereas there are men who will make more than me just because they have a small brain and a small penis and probably don't know how to use either of them XD Thanks, Greg Proops).
As for the first bit, I want to believe that about myself. I really do. When I walk into a room, I want to feel like the most stunning and most amazing woman, but I don't feel that way. I want to believe that I'm gorgeous, but I don't feel that way. I just feel like a pudgy tub of lard that no one will ever want. I don't feel curvy or gorgeous or luscious or anything.
UGH. Negative thinking is bad. Let's see...
I have really exceptional eyes -- I always get compliments. I have nice breasts, if I do say so myself. I have really tiny hands that I think are kind of cute. I have curly hair that is fun. I'm an extremely intelligent person. I debate really well. I'm very ambitious and determined. I'm a fun, open person. And I love books.
I need to start thinking about the good in me rather than the bad.
So, this blog will be focused around my attempts to become a healthier person and lose weight, but it will also be my personal angry-rant section and my political views and whatever comes into my mind at the time. There will be much posting-of-videos from Youtube, and there will be many suggestions of movies to watch and songs to listen to. There will also be lots of tea-drinking involved. I love tea.
So, I hope you all enjoy this and comment and encourage away!
Introductions, yes? My name is Christina. I'm seventeen years and nine months old. I live in Washington state, and I go to high school in a tiny town. I'm a senior -- yes, college is on my mind. I want to go to either Cornell or Vassar. Preferably Cornell. We'll see if I get in.
This blog idea was given to me by my totally-awesome friend, Olivia. We both want to lose weight, so we're kind of doing this together, I guess you could say. I like this idea, especially after having read "The Diary of a Fat Teenager" which inspired me so much.
I want to be healthy. I also want to be skinny, but I do want to be healthy. I want to feel good about myself. I want to have the confidence in myself and in the way I look to go buy clothes and not feel like crap when I have to look at myself in the mirror. I want to become a powerful woman who's confident and dignified -- not some shameless, vacuous tart. I want to be happy as an adult, as well as content and fulfilled and full of potential. I just want to feel good about myself and who I am and the way I look. I want to not feel two inches tall when I see a totally cute guy and want to talk to him or ask him out but think that he'd rather have the mini-skirt-touting bimbo instead of me because she's thin.
So that explains the third part of this blog's title.
The second, however, is as integral to who I am as the fact that I want to write. I am a feminist. I believe, without a shadow of a doubt, that women are equal to men. Now, this may seem like a stance of the past -- of course women are equal to men -- but it is as relevant today as it was in the seventies and in the twenties. Women are still mistreated, women are still looked down upon, women are still expected to carry the burden of housework, women still make only seventy-seven cents to every dollar that men make, and I despise any form of inequality. And while the seventy-seven cents thing doesn't really affect me right now, it will. I plan on being in the business world, and I do not want to make less money simply because I have a brain and a uterus and I can use them both (whereas there are men who will make more than me just because they have a small brain and a small penis and probably don't know how to use either of them XD Thanks, Greg Proops).
As for the first bit, I want to believe that about myself. I really do. When I walk into a room, I want to feel like the most stunning and most amazing woman, but I don't feel that way. I want to believe that I'm gorgeous, but I don't feel that way. I just feel like a pudgy tub of lard that no one will ever want. I don't feel curvy or gorgeous or luscious or anything.
UGH. Negative thinking is bad. Let's see...
I have really exceptional eyes -- I always get compliments. I have nice breasts, if I do say so myself. I have really tiny hands that I think are kind of cute. I have curly hair that is fun. I'm an extremely intelligent person. I debate really well. I'm very ambitious and determined. I'm a fun, open person. And I love books.
I need to start thinking about the good in me rather than the bad.
So, this blog will be focused around my attempts to become a healthier person and lose weight, but it will also be my personal angry-rant section and my political views and whatever comes into my mind at the time. There will be much posting-of-videos from Youtube, and there will be many suggestions of movies to watch and songs to listen to. There will also be lots of tea-drinking involved. I love tea.
So, I hope you all enjoy this and comment and encourage away!
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