Please disregard if swearing offends you.

This is fucking hard.

Now, I know I don't swear -- ever -- but I'm feeling the need to right now. Why? Because today, I ate tons of cookies, yogurt, and bagels. I think I had four or five bagels.

WHAT THE HELL.

This is hard, and I'm not helping me at all.

I just... want to eat all of the time. Now, I know why I do this -- subconsciously, I don't want to be see as a sexual creature. This might creep you out, but I'm a very sexual person. I think about it all of the time, I read it, I write it (sometimes... sometimes it's just too awkward), I imagine it. I want to have sex sometime (not now... my uterus is not meant to be used at such a young age). But underneath that, I don't really want people to see me that way. I don't really want guys to be drooling after me.

And now that I realize all of that, it's gotten even harder. I don't think I really ever ate like this before I started trying to lose weight, or at least I don't remember it. It's so fucking hard. I had a salad today for dinner. It was delicious, and I felt satisfied. And then I promptly proceeded to eat three bagels with butter.

What the hell?! Seriously! What's wrong with me?

Honestly, it's not entirely my fault -- we have no healthy food around in this joint!

Random thought: I'm going to Issaquah tomorrow, having lunch by myself at Panera, and going shopping. Or just drive around. That'll keep me from eating. Wait, crap, lunch involves eating.

I honestly don't want to do the whole eating disorder thing. It's unhealthy and bad. But sometimes it feels like I have no other options. I have asthma, so exercise isn't fun, and it doesn't feel good. It hurts, and I hate the feeling of my lungs closing up on me. And I use food to stave away depression, &c.

I want to be beautiful! I want to be thin and beautiful. I want to be able to wear shorts without looking like I have legs that are sausages that are being squeezed. I want to be able to wear cute shirts without ruining the cuteness of them with all of my fat.

I hate and love food so much.

I like food because it tastes good and it fulfills some sort of fantasy I have that I'll feel good while eating it. That's partly due to advertising and partly due to other reasons. It's just something I do when I'm watching TV or on the computer. I do it compulsively. I eat all of the time (which explains the fact I'm a size 16 while coming in at just under 5'3'' at age 17). I don't exercise because it's not part of my life and I haven't made a significant enough effort to make it so. I obviously don't care enough.

But I hate food because it's the enemy. Food equals fat, and fat equals unattractive, and unattractive equals nothingness. I hate it because it makes me feel gross. I hate it because it doesn't do a damn thing for me when I expect so much from it. It's like a drug in the sense that it provides a short-term high and then leaves me feeling disgusting afterwards.

The fact I'm addicted to food is only one reason why I feel horrible about myself, though, but it's the only thing I can really change.

I need to take this more seriously. If I need to use my own money to buy healthy food for myself, then I need to do that because my family isn't willing to help me out. I need to stop being on the computer or in front of the TV so much and spend that time on the treadmill. Of course, I can say that, but I'll never really do it.

Fatalistic attitude, maybe, but who really gives a shit?

Oh, goody, time to write some depressing pieces of "fiction" on facebook so I can cry out for help but no one will really care or take the time to try and really help me because they don't care! How wonderful! Maybe people will ask me what's wrong but they won't really help because no one cares! I love it.

>_> I hate myself.