Rantrantrantrantrant

So...

College: I'm freaking out because I want to send off all of my forms and such RIGHT NOW. I want it to be done, but apparently Tilton (my counselor) didn't fill out the Secondary School Report thing that I needed him to for Cornell and Vassar. So I have to wait to have that done. And then there's financial aid stuff. I need to do that for Cornell and Vassar. Cornell's due date is January 5th, and time is flying. And then I'm worrying that I won't get in. Cornell is my #1, but Cornell's Ivy League. Not until recently did I even honestly consider Ivy League a possibility for me, and I still think it's a bit out of my reach. And Vassar's... COME ON. Hardly anyone's good enough to get into Vassar, much less me! I mean, sure, I'm good, but I highly doubt I'm Vassar-good. I wish I could go there. I mean, come on, that's like my Mecca. But... and Cornell's so far above me, if it had shoes, I'd need a Hubble telescope to see its shoes!

And I'm worried that all of my forms won't get done on time, like my teacher recommendations for Vassar. Petroske has finished hers, I believe, but I don't think G-Ham has. And I don't know if I should remind him or what... you know, sometimes, I think he doesn't like me or something. I don't know what it is, but it makes me sad because I <3 him so much. He's so cool. Le sigh.

The Rest of My Life:

Work stresses me out. It shouldn't, but I wish I could get paid for not having to work at all. It's just one more thing I need to do when I could be at home lounging around. I don't know how I'm going to survive having to work everyday. I wish I could find something that I want to do that would be intellectually stimulating, difficult, but exciting. Nothing tame and lame.

I want to be a primary player in the world. I don't want to just sit back and watch everyone else play the game, I want to be the one directing where everything is going. I want to have power and influence and the ability to make things go my way so I could do some good. I think I could do a lot and be very important and do a lot of important things, given half the chance.

Then there's just... ugh, everything else! There's so much I need to do for choir and so much rehearsing I need to do for solo/ensemble that I feel like I'm never going to get everything done and there aren't enough hours in the day to do everything that I need to do and still relax. I mostly just put things off because I don't want to face it. Which explains why I'm blogging like an emo, angsty teenage girl instead of buckling down and finishing A Tale of Two Cities, which is actually starting to get good. x_x

And I have pimples on my chin. I think they're being caused by stress, but I don't know, but HEY! Random fact of the day.

And I'm trying to do this whole weight-loss-taking-better-care-of-myself but I just can't do it! I have so much to think about and so much to freak out about and so much to worry about that what I eat and what I wear and how well I brush my teeth are all the absolute last things on my mind! I just want to get enough sleep, but that's a fairy tale right there to rival the Grimm Brothers' work. I just feel like my life and all of the crap I have to do is starting to envelope me and there's no way out. I just want to have some fun without worrying or anything. I just want to have one good conversation with someone I like and trust where I can just talk. I don't feel like I've connected with any of my friends this year, I've been so wrapped up in myself. Which I don't really know if I don't like because I'm wrapped up in myself because I'm trying to get things done, which is good.

And I don't even know if I care enough to listen! Yeah, how's that for altruism? It's like, yeah, I'd like for someone to just sit there and listen and make me feel better, but I'd have to listen back, and I don't want to do that. I don't like showing any kind of emotion other than excitement and upbeatness. Those emotions are safe. They keep me safe, and I don't have to risk anything, emotionally. But they're also what I do feel. I just... I don't even know.

I want to just lie around someday with some friends where there's no drama, only fun and laughter and chill-factor, talking deeply about a movie or a book or something, where I don't have to worry about my future and whether or not I'll be everything I want to be and when I won't have to think about losing my friends or going away from my parents on my own for the first time, where I won't have to freak out about how I'm going to absolutely ruin my life in college because everything of mine will get stolen and I'll get mugged and I'll fail all of my classes.

I feel really overwhelmed right now, and I don't know how to ease it. And there's just so much I need to do and so much MORE that I should do on top of that. I just remembered that I need to go get some stuff for our choir gift baskets x_x When am I going to do that?! I work tomorrow, Thursday, and Friday, and then Saturday, we're doing the LDS nativity thing. I guess I could do it that morning, but excuse me for wanting to stay home in my PJs, and I could do it Sunday, but I'm pretty sure there's going to be something I need to do then, and then NEXT WEEK is Dramafest, so I'm booked Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday (M, W, S - work, T, F, S - dramafest). And then there's homework on top of that. And I'm trying to not fall behind and not procrastinate, and I'm really trying to prepare myself for the AP tests at the end of the year. Which I feel like I'm not going to do as well on the AP Euro test. I just can't remember everything, and I feel like I haven't really learned anything when I have, but I just fail, I think.

Right now, I'm really living on a day-to-day basis. I just can't take anymore. But even then, I'm not really just living like that because I'm freaking out about everything in the future, but I can't seem to remember anything that's more than a day ahead of me. This year is flying by, and I'm not sure I'm going to get everything done. I've kind of convinced myself I'm going to go to the UW because Cornell and Vassar are both too good for me, which really sucks because I don't REALLY want to go to the UW.

I have no idea what I'm going to do, and nothing really helps me chill. Honestly. I don't know how to relax. Writing doesn't really help because I really detach myself. Singing doesn't because that just hurts my voice when I do it too much. Reading doesn't because reading kind of loses its pleasure when I have to read for school, though I do still like it. I could exercise, but I'm way too lazy... I just...

I don't know how I'm going to deal with this year. I think I'm going to have a mental breakdown. Oh, if only I could have the good kind of mental breakdown where I just lose my appetite so I could lose weight AND cope with my stress! [/morbid humor... laugh, people]