Day Five

Day Five hasn't officially started yet. I haven't had breakfast, but my dad and I are going to head off to the store (sometime... maybe looks from across the room will make him realize that I want to go to the store NOW, lol) to get healthy foods. I even made a list. It's quite exciting, in fact. Well, not really, I'm still too half-asleep to really be excited, but in my mind, I'm excited.

I want to eat good things today. I think I'm going to make my goal to eat fruits or vegetables at every meal. It doesn't have to be a lot, but it's going to be a start. Starts are good, yes? And to eat less and to constantly monitor how I'm feeling when I eat. And I REALLY shouldn't be in front of the TV or my laptop when I'm eating. It might provide some amusement, but it distracts me from exactly how hungry or full I am. It's such a bad habit >.<

I'm losing weight to be happy with myself. I'm not losing weight so people will like me better (though it seems to be that way sometimes), and I'm not losing weight so I can fit into that size two. I will never be a size two. Heck, I don't think I'll ever be a size six or eight. I think I'm supposed to be a size ten, and I will be happy with that. I will be happy with whatever my body should be. I have breasts and a butt and hips; I won't ever look like a supermodel, but I don't think supermodels are that pretty or sexy anyway, in all honesty. Too bony.

Throughout this process, however, I want to gain a better understanding of myself and why I eat the way I do and why I feel the way I do. We won't get into specific details about my past (while that sounds sufficiently cryptic and mysterious for a teenage girl, I'm not just being melodramatic), I think I need to talk about it and the effects it has and always will have on me. I think it is one of the main reasons I eat so much, as an unconscious means to overcompensate. So we'll get into that.

My teenage years, up until just recently, were very painful and stormy. I cried a lot and had nightmares and holed up in myself. I always felt like a scared little girl who would never be anything, who could never be anything, and who wasn't worth much. In some ways, I still feel that way, but it's definitely more buried than it was before. I don't like to think of painful things; it's easier to just let them lie and not disturb them. I spent four years grieving and mourning over what I feel I lost, and I'm just tired of feeling that way. But then again, it never really does go away.

Well, now that I've waxed sufficiently emo, let's get back to our main topic of the day: food.

Food is not bad. Food is very, very good. Food gives you energy, and everyone needs energy. Food is NOT my enemy, and I refuse to see it as such. I'm not going to stress over every little morsel I eat (even though I probably will). But I'm going to strive to eat less because I don't need that much, and I'm going to strive to eat better things because I need to eat those things because they're good for me. I want to do good things for me and my body. Also, I need to drink more water. That's also very important. Tea is very good. Hrm, I think I shall make myself a cup of raspberry and white tea right now :D I like this tea.

Oh, and I don't want to yo-yo with my weight. If I'm going to lose this weight, I'm going to lose it forever, and I never want to get it back. These will be lifestyle changes I'm going to make that are going to last me forever.