Ugh, I don't think I'm meant to be skinny sometimes. This is just really, really hard, harder than (I guess) I thought it would be. And sometimes, it's like, what's the point? I don't have the commitment to do this, I'm not committed enough to work out a lot and severely cut down what I'm eating. And I know I'm not going to lose a lot of weight, and I'm not going to lose quickly, so what's the point of trying? It's not like I have anyone to impress. It's not like I'm going to be anything anyway, so I don't need to look good for it.
It's just hard, you know? I see all of these girls around me who are just naturally skinny or have been skinny all of their lives, and it's hard because I'm not like that. I got myself into this situation, and it doesn't even matter what propelled my eating when I was a kid because now I'm screwed and I have to find a way to get myself out of this hole, but I don't even know if I want to or if I REALLY want to enough to try.
And part of me's pissed that I'm not good at this, that THIS doesn't come easy to me naturally. A lot of other things seem to, and I just don't think I'm used to working hard for anything. I feel like a failure, to be honest, just because I ate more than I should have. How pathetic is that? And Lauren, my friend (Annie, too), is giving me all of these tips and suggestions, and it's like, I don't want to do that. I'm too lazy. I'd rather just be on the couch all afternoon and evening.
But with an attitude like that, of course this weight is never going to go away. But come on! I have at least fifty pounds to lose. I don't think I've ever consciously lost a pound in my life. And it's really hard because my family has really bad eating habits, too, and no one in my family (except me, and I'm QUITE sporadic in my very gentle exercise) exercises, so I have no example, and I have no one to work out with anyway. And none of my family is really on board with this, so I'm really going it alone, even though Olivia's losing weight with me. She doesn't live with me (because I'm pretty sure it's Steve who lives under my bed).
I just don't know how to live healthily and eat right. I have just really bad habits, and those seventeen years of bad habits is against little ol' me and my will. I don't think my will is strong enough to beat those seventeen years. But it's like, this is not what I want to look like for the rest of my life. I don't want to be a size 16 for the rest of my life. That's not healthy for my height.
But I just don't know what to do. I'm completely self-motivated here, and if I don't want to work out or be active, then I'm not going to do it, if I can't convince myself. I'm just really kinda weak and pathetic.
I just don't know if I want to lose this weight enough. I felt like I was starting my life over even just a few hours ago, and now I've lost that feeling. I just hate how I look. I don't look good. And I don't love myself or the way I look. And I DO want to lose weight. I want to look better. But... I just don't know how to.
And I know, I know, excuses, excuses, but they're all I got. At least I HAVE a brain, and I'm not just getting through life with a smokin' hot body. Granted, though, I'd really like one of those.
AND UGH. Thanksgiving is going to kill me.
Why am I even bothering? *headdesk*
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Stina, I'm still proud of you anyway. You're taking some very real complaints you have about yourself and you're doing something to fix those problems instead of bitching about it and laying around, doing nothing. Sure, it's hard, and it'll take baby steps to get where you want to be, but I'm still proud of you for doing this :D
ReplyDeleteHi Christina,
ReplyDeleteJust read your blog this am. I'm also proud of you for taking this on. Here's my advice. For me it's been all about routine. Work exercise into your daily routine. Something like when you go to work, park a few blocks away and walk, or walk during your lunch break. When you want to snack, first drink a glass of water, then have the snack. You'll still get the snack, but you will feel fuller and maybe not have another. Also, know that it's going to be a long battle, and you will fail many times, so when you do, forget and move on. My last piece of advice....call me and let's go bike riding or walking on that trail near your house. Love you.