So maybe I'm already addicted to this blog...

I feel like a failure, for whatever reason. I know, rationally, this is a ridiculous thing to feel, but because I'm fat, I feel like a failure. I feel like I'm not good enough. I feel like I, with all of my intelligence and charm and wit and good character, am not as good as the skinny little bimbo because I'm not skinny. I know, yes, it's ridiculous. It's laughable, even, that I would feel this way, but I feel this way.

I don't think there's a lot of room in our society for people like me. There's no understanding about why I am the way I am. I'm not anymore, but I used to be an emotional eater. My prepubescent years and puberty years were tumultuous, to say the least. I went through hell. But nobody cares about that -- all anyone cares about is that I don't fit into a size 6 pair of jeans.

And I hate that. At the core of me, all I want is to like everyone and for everyone to like me. Harmony, kumbaya, inspirational showtunes and all that. I don't want someone to dislike me for any reason, much less something as superficial as my weight, and I don't want to be judged prematurely. Don't like me if you don't like me, but it just doesn't seem fair for someone to write me off just because I'm fat.

My life has been really exhausting lately. I feel like I'm falling behind with everything, my classes, my reading (A Tale of Two Cities >.<), everything. I feel like I'm slowly sinking and soon I won't be able to breathe. There's so much pressure to get everything done (note to self: do financial aid stuff for Cornell and Vassar), and I just don't feel like I have enough time. I really would like to get everything done, but...

And I feel like everyone's just gotten meaner this year. I don't understand that. Everyone used to be so sweet and cute, and now they're backstabbing, self-absorbed little divas. There's so much tension. I get so wound up because of everything everyone says and everyone's bad attitudes and everyone's negativity. I like to think that I'm pretty positive, but when everyone's so negative, I don't want to be positive. I kind of want to scratch people's eyes out sometimes.

I don't know what that is.

Hrm. You'll have to excuse my murderous tendencies.

Yes, back to my stress. I really get worked up about things easily. I'm getting worked up about the fact I don't know where my voice lesson will be tomorrow (my teacher said it might be at the middle school, 'cause her husband was going to give a lesson there, too, but then she said it might not, so I don't know, and I don't like not knowing). I'm quite pathetic in that regard. I don't know how to not be stressed, either. I try doing things to relax myself, but I can never really relax. I think something's a bit broken in me.

AGH. Positive and relaxing thoughts:

... This is actually taking me some time. I think that's a bad sign.

Positive (about me): I actually did read some of A Tale of Two Cities tonight, I'm really good in new social situations, I'm friendly, I'm super awesome at history, I never waver from what I know is right, I'm diplomatic, I have extremely good taste in music, TV, and movies, I'm tolerant, I'm a great singer (and I'm classically trained, so that's awesome), I smile a lot, I make the most out of bad situations, I'm a leader, I don't speed when I drive, I'm ambitious, I have nice lips, I'm a great writer...

Relaxing thoughts: a cold night spent wrapped up in blankets with hot chocolate and a feel-good movie in TV, a hot bath with lavender bubble bath, a massage, cuddling with a cute guyfriend (BLAKE PARKER, hehe :D), watching a historical movie, sleeping in on a Saturday morning, half-falling-asleep in the car at night as the rain's pattering on the windshield while someone else is driving, and I can't think of anything more.

I can't help it, I'm an increasingly negative person, and thinking of positive things about me isn't helping. I just keep flashing back to a time in jazz choir when I was singing back in my throat and someone noticed and said something about it to me. They were being nice about it, too, but making mistakes makes me think horrible things about myself. Despite the fact I pretend to be confident, I'm really not. Ugh, I feel like a wreck.

It doesn't help that my period is nigh, either. Guys just don't understand how much the period throws everything into crapiness. And girls are lately (at least I've noticed) becoming less sympathetic. But then again, teenage girls are self-centered little wasps who just like to tear down everyone else.

... wait, that means I'm a self-centered little wasp.

*ponders*

No. Every OTHER teenage girl.

... there. That's better :P

Anyway, onto something else... well, actually, I've got nothing else to say. It's midnight, and I really need sleep, and I just feel ridiculous and crappy and stupid all over. So I'm going to go to bed and hopefully feel better in the morning.