What is Beauty?

I've wondered what the answer to this question is. Because obviously there's outer beauty, the stuff that's on the outside, but then there's inner beauty, one's personality and character. But are they really separate things? Can't someone who's physically beautiful suddenly appear ugly in one's eyes if they turn out to be a complete jerk? And can't someone who seemed really hot turn ugly if they turn out to be a smoker?

I know I'm a good person with a good personality, but I don't consider myself to be that physically appealing. I don't think I'm plain, per se, I just don't think that all of my features together = hot/pretty/cute/sexhaaay. But does that negate the beauty of my inner self?

*headdesk* Woaaaaah, clichés abound! Dislike.

It's an interesting question, though. What is beauty? What is physical attractiveness? What exactly makes a person attractive? Aren't there things about one person that make them appealing, but then if someone else were the same, it would not be so attractive? Isn't beauty just a subjective thing that varies from person to person? There are different kinds of beauty. I think that some men are definitely beautiful, where there are men who are attractive in a raw, stereotypically manly sense. That doesn't mean either are more attractive to me; they're just different. Then there are men who are hot as heck in suits, and then there are men who are doable in just jeans and a t-shirt. Is it just confidence that makes someone appealing? I don't think so, but there's something to be said about confidence. A man who strides into the room as though he owns it but is too modest to say that he does is incredibly sexy. A woman who does the same is a formidable person, one who should not be taken lightly.

I want to be beautiful. I also want to feel that I'm beautiful. I want to be noticed by guys and by guys who aren't afraid to show their regard. I would like that, even now. I don't want to just be someone who blends into the background in guys' minds, who's just the friend. That kind of attention, the kind that comes when someone is attracted to you, is flattering, even if I don't return the feelings. It'd be nice to have that because I've never really known what it's like. As far as I know, no one's ever really liked me that way.

I just want to get some proof that I'm not just a meaningless blob of lard who no one will ever find attractive. It seems like something that's intrinsic to high school life, guys and girls liking each other, dating, and all that. And I feel like I'm missing out on something really fun and really important. Besides, how weird would it be to have a first date in college? One just doesn't really have a first date in college, does one? Hrmph, like I'd know.

I'm really excited for college, but I'm really that a) I won't get in, and b) that I won't fit in when I get there. I really want to go to Cornell, but I don't really feel like an Ivy Leaguer or someone who'd go to Vassar. I feel really ordinary, even if I sometimes have moments where I think I could be a lot and that I AM a lot more than I give myself credit for. Again, I don't know.

Hrm, I should probably study. I have a history test tomorrow, and I want to do really well. I got the highest score in both classes last time, so I want to continue doing well. I REALLY want a good score on the AP test at the end of the year. I feel pretty confident for the lit one, but not so much the history one. This course is being taught differently, and while I'm certainly knowing quite a bit, I don't feel as confident. Oh well. I'm sure I'll be fine.

Hopefully.

*gulp*

Anyway. As for food, I'm feeling pretty full right now. I don't think I'll need anything until dinner time, but we'll see how I hold up. Right now, I want tea so I can start my studying, and I'm armed with my best friend (not Chase, my history textbook) and my notes from this section. YAAAAAY STUDYING! :DDD